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Post new topic   Reply to topic A place to rant and get advice if you want.
KoyiTar



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 PostPosted: Mon Mar 02, 2015 11:19 pm Reply with quote        
I"m tired of people saying I chose to be a single mom as if divorcing my ex husband wasn't a difficult decision to make. In hind sight now I am glad I divorced that sack of shit but at the time it was a rough choice.

My son was maybe 4 months old at the time. My husband had decided it was a good idea to take a plea bargain and basically admitting to being a pedophile. It took a lot of thought on my part but I made the choice to keep my son safe from what I now know to be a useless pathetic waste of a man.

He see's visitations with his son as some sort of date with me. I am only there because it is supervised and I have to be. I am there for you to spend time with your child not to make googly eyes as if I still have any interest in you. Then he stops paying child support and when I bother him about it he gives me bullshit reasons and shit. I still have all those texts from the moment he text-ed me angry over the fact he lost his tax refund to me last year because it went to unpaid child support to the last one being pissed that I was after him again over it this year because he somehow convinced his job to stop it from being garnished out of his check.

It's been rectified now but still. I am glad he is out of mine and my child's life. My son doesn't need to have an influence like him around especially seeing as my son is autistic. He has enough problems with social cues as it is to need a man like my ex husband in his little life.

Also just because my son is autistic doesn't mean he is stupid. It simply means he doesn't understand social normalcy. When it comes to other things he is smart as a whip. But when it comes to conversation he's lost in his own little world most of the time. Speech therapy has helped somewhat but there are times he is in his own little world doing his own thing.

I'm tired of being judged, I'm tired of having to pull my son away from so called normal kids because he is looked at like a disease. I am just tired of not being able to stand up like I am a person.

I feel like I am just constantly stuck in a corner of you're nothing more than a single mom with a developmentally disabled kid. You're good for nothing but to work at Wal-Mart for the rest of your life.

I'm tired of being depressed, and angry, and what feels like alone.

I am tired of basically being told you shouldn't complain because you chose to be a single mom you have to deal with that yourself. I chose it because my ex husband is a pedophile and my son should not have to be subjected to that type of person.

I am tired of basically feeling like I am not worth anything as a mother or a human being because my son is autistic and he's broken so he's not worth anything to society.

I'm just tired in general and not just physically. I am emotionally and mentally drained as well. There are times I feel ok. Then there are the times when I feel so low I want to end it all or just have it ended for me.

I won't end it though I have my kiddo to live for. If I don't stay alive for any other reason it's for my wonderful little boy. Who is physically 6 but mentally 2. Anyway I thinks that about it I had more but it's all becoming a blur as I drink more wine,

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fickle



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 PostPosted: Wed Mar 04, 2015 3:33 pm Reply with quote        
ok first, you didnt choose to be a single mom the way i see it, your x-husband did when he chose to be a pedophile. i honestly wish more moms were like you, youre strong, seriously. there are moms out there who are not protecting their children like you did, moms who know their kids are being molested by their boyfriends or husbands, but stay with the guy. idk what goes through these womens heads. i know your x-husband didnt do anything to your son, but what you say is reason to believe he could have. or at least taught your son f'd up morals about pedophilia. but anyways, you didnt choose to be a single mom, he literally gave you no choice, it's what you had to do.

idk what to say about the child support problem, it sucks. it would probably be better for you if you prepared for him to not pay. i know that sounds really whack, but it's better to prepare for that than to be late on paying bills, credit cards, and rent, etc.
what im saying is, try to find a way to manage it best you can, i know it's hard, but you must since it's still questionable whether or not hes going to pay. it's good this problem is solved but just wanted to say that.

you dont have to defend yourself to anyone who judges you, who you are right now is a single mom, if they dont want to see the bigger picture and pass judgement on that alone, then theyre really not nice people! who cares what meanies think. therye silly, theyve just narrowed into one part of you and completely ignored everything else. dont give them anymore time of your day, it's too much of a mental process to spend on them, focus more on yourself, your life, be proud of who you are. youre a good mother who loves her son, you did the right thing leaving your x.

the real reason you shouldnt complain is because your life is hard, complaining will add more stress to already existing stress. you already know that i think it wasnt a choice, i think you were forced to be a single mom due to your x being a pedophile, being a single mom is how youre living now. to me, it sounds like youre dealing with it alright Happy i'm sorry about everything thats happened, but at the same time i fully support you leaving your x husband, and i'm happy for your son cos this is better for him. i wouldnt have dont anything different. remember, it's not the problem that causes stress for you, it's what you think of the problem. remove your emotions from what ever is causing you stress.

start feeling like youre doing a great job! like youve done the hardest thing youve ever had to do for the sake of your son. start feeling like youve protected him, start feeling like you dont give two shits about how other people feel about you, ok? seriously, tell yourself that you care more about what you think of yourself, and what your son thinks of you. do not give in to being pulled through life by your emotions, it's too much of a mental task, just let your thoughts come and when they do, dont pass judgement on it. just be aware of who you are.

i hope you enjoyed your wine Soft Smile

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neomattlac



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 PostPosted: Thu Mar 19, 2015 8:30 pm Reply with quote        
I'm a big supporter of mental disability rights, especially when it comes to people with autism and/or depression. It almost angers me (certainly frustrates me) when parents, or a community, limit what someone can do, even if they are capable of doing it. A perfect example is my friend and his family. He is autistic, epileptic, and a few other things, but he's got talent when it comes to video and audio production. He's crazy about voice acting, particularly related to video games (he can also beat me in every video game, even if he's never played it). He's gotten a degree in AutoCAD, but his parents refuse to let him search for a job, because he's socially inept (which is partially their fault, for not letting him out more often). Sorry, that's my little rant.
Please don't get addicted to alcohol. I know how it is, but just throw it all out, if you feel like you need to drink.
And your ex-husband is a douche who has dug his own grave. Let him be the one to fill it, not you.
EDIT:
Adding my own rant about personal issues.
Lately, I've been wondering about my sexuality. I finally wrapped my head around the fact that I might like guys, but my mind is of an obsessive type. It sees a form, and tries to take it. It's, unfortunately, part of how I developed depression. Anyways, I can't figure my sexuality, but I have to get myself sorted first. The issue arises, though, because I've always spent (way too much) time thinking about relationships and who I should ask out (then not do it), etc, etc. I want to lose weight, get my financial stuff in order (owing $75k in student loans isn't fun, and it's looking like I'm going to need to obtain another vehicle), and my parents, brother, and sister-in-law are breathing down my neck because I'm 24 and completely single. Of course, they bug me more than my twin bro because a) I've actually dated someone for a "long" period of time and b) I'm around more.
I also need to find a psychologist, dermatologist, optometrist (eye doc), and personal trainer, along with making appointments with my general practitioner, dentist, and ear/nose/throat doctor. It's been far too long since I've seen all of them, and not because of insurance or money. Anxiety is a bitch.

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I have a really bad memory, so if we got into a conversation or something and I just vanished, feel free to send me a pm and I'll reappear.
fickle



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 PostPosted: Wed Apr 08, 2015 2:35 pm Reply with quote        
hey neo, sup?

have you tried budgeting? you basically write down your expenses in excel (or any program you like, could even use a notebook), this can give you an idea of where your money is going, whether youre spending it on necessary things, or things you think you can do without. then you can think about investing your money more wisely. if youre interested, search "how to budget" or "budgeting tips." do it for a month.

perhaps you can take advantage of your obsessive mind to aid you into a healthy lifestyle! see the form and take it. maybe it can help you in making healthy choices? like eating sweet potato instead of a boxed dinner. not saying that you eat boxed dinners, idk.
maybe something thats helped me can help you, we both want to get healthier so... yeah. i find it hard to focus on more than one thing at a time when it comes to changing my life/habits, so the first thing i changed is my diet. what works best for me is high carb low fat. i started to focus more on balancing the caloric:nutrient ratio. for example, 1300 calories worth of spinach is way more nutrient dense than 1300 calories of oreos.
i also focused on eating enough food, to never let my body feel hungry. calorie restricting diets didnt appeal to me because i saw the people endorsing it have problems with keeping a steady weight, they always yo-yo. so "eat when i'm hungry, stop when i'm satiated" is a rule i live by, no restriction, high carb low fat. what i mean by carb is fruits, rice, pasta, potatoes, whole foods! not processed breads, bakery items, stuff like that. it's helping to clear up my skin and manage stress, and feel more energetic. we can talk more about that if you'd like, we can pm about it if you want.

when it comes to working out, find something you like to do and stick with it. if it's walking, dancing, ju jitzu, yoga, cycling, just experiment a bit with different forms of exercise and you'll find a workout that you love doing. i love yoga, it's great, i feel a sort of high from yoga and i'm getting stronger. you may love cycling?

good luck with making appointments with everyone!

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neomattlac



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 PostPosted: Sun Apr 19, 2015 8:49 am Reply with quote        
Part of the issue with the accounting thing is that I often have pending charges on my account. So, that'll screw me up.
I think I'm obsessed with finding love to satiate my loneliness.
I know how to budget. Like many areas of my life, it's not the knowledge holding me back, but the actual action.
I love martial arts, but I don't really have the room at home to practice and there aren't a lot of places around that support martial arts for adults.
---
Edit: 25 April 2015
My internal struggles are eating me away. So many contradictions. The primary one is that sexuality/who I like thing, with the conflict of I should get myself straight before wondering who I am going to end up with. I mean, I'm 24. I feel that 30 is right around the corner. I don't want to end up alone.
And so much stuff concerning a balance of continuing learning and financial. I am sinking so much into student loans already. I'm about $45,000 in debt with one company, and $15,000 in debt with another. I want to get a dual degree of an MBA and a Master's in Systems Engineering. Just the MBA is around $62,000. I'm assuming the Systems Engineering is just as much (dual degrees on a Masters level don't share classes). Each degree gives me, at least, a $5,000 boost in salary, but is generally closer to $15,000 boosting to $35,000 increase after 10 years.
Beyond that, I keep wondering if I'm in love with my best friend. It's bugging me so much, because she seems like the type that would wait years for a certain someone to ask her out. However, there's that one woman I really like, but I realized it was the idea of her I like. There's another two girls I both like because they're short and cute *my "type" (plus kindness). One of them (along with my best friend) seems like... well, the endgame. However, I'm putting off dating her/them, because of statistics. The average male has 7 partners before they meet their spouse. Then, 50% of men result with divorce in their first marriage.
Then there's that I want to lose weight. I'm actually past the point where losing weight is easier, but not too far past. My issue is just continuing. The most I've lasted on a weight loss drive was two months, and that was when I had a girlfriend driving me. In fact, I need a person to drive me. I can't seem to find it within.
Also, I've been thinking of joining the Navy. They'll pay off (some of) my student loans, will force me to lose weight, and will give me the experience and discipline to achieve the goals I want. That said, the financial opportunity cost is greater than I'm willing to give up.
I really want to get my MBA, even without the Systems Engineering category, but I can't seem to find a school I'll be happy with.
Then there's all my pipe-dreams, getting a psychologist again, getting a nutritionist, and all the doctors I need to see. I also need to set full plans to move out, and acquire the housing plans I want (starter home, solid home, and maybe a big retirement home). Along with that, I have to see about getting into politics.
-_- I don't know why I have so many overlapping goals that I think will make me happy. Jab
KoyiTar



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 PostPosted: Thu Dec 10, 2015 12:57 am Reply with quote        
Not so much a rant or needing advice really. I dunno I just need a place to post this so here we go.

Lately I have been having really strange dreams borderline nightmares really. It's the same recurring theme a little girl with either no eyes at all just holes where her eyes should be or the same little girl but her eyes are bleeding. She always seems as if she is trying to say something but I can never hear her because I snap awake usually when she turns around to face me and I see the no eyes or bleeding eyes. I don't know why I keep having this dream but I wish it would stop I want a decent nights sleep.

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neomattlac



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 PostPosted: Fri Dec 18, 2015 10:07 am Reply with quote        
From a na´ve point of view, I would say that your dreams are telling you that you need to acknowledge something that you've been hearing lately, but have been resisting.
Unfortunately, "dream reading," or dream interpretation, is something that is very difficult to understand, and is a very controversial and personal topic. There aren't many reliable, peer-reviewed, published products on it.

By the way, most of that stuff from my previous post has been sorted out already. A lot has changed since April.

_________________
Remind me to remind you to give me stuff
Send me your drawings of ducks.
I have a really bad memory, so if we got into a conversation or something and I just vanished, feel free to send me a pm and I'll reappear.
neomattlac



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 PostPosted: Sun Feb 21, 2016 1:32 am Reply with quote        
I haven't had a night like this for a long time. My mind is so f'ed up right now. All the darkness, self-hatred, and scorn is just bubbling right there. I just don't like myself. I never meant to become the disgusting urchin I am. I live off my parents, although I make enough to be fine on my own. I just want attention from everyone. "Pay attention to me!" Ugh. And I am a lazy MF, who does shower enough and expects others to clean up after him. I waste money on food and things I don't need. I say I'm trying to lose weight, but my diet reverts to straight sugar, fat, and salt when no one is moderating me. It's not like I don't know better. It's just I don't see the point in trying to polishing a piece of charcoal when most of the world has diamonds and rubies. I just don't see the point in me sticking around except that it'll be a pain to clean up afterwards.

_________________
Remind me to remind you to give me stuff
Send me your drawings of ducks.
I have a really bad memory, so if we got into a conversation or something and I just vanished, feel free to send me a pm and I'll reappear.
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