How To Deal. -open-

[Pocket Size Ninja]

Hello some of you may know me and some might not. I'm Kristin but on here you can call me Ninja or Pocket. If you know me from another site, you can call me Star or Starry too.

I wanted to share my story of with you all. I am still learning from this period of time in my life and trying to deal with the fact everything happens for a reason..

On another site I had a similar thread called "Dealing with Life." I decided that I'd try it here too.

I hope this will help others talk about hard times and gain support.

[Pocket Size Ninja]

Rules of this thread.


This is a SUPPORT THREAD!

DO NOT:

Flame
Harass
Make fun of any one
Or anything of that nature, IF some one does any of this, that person WILL get reported.

[Pocket Size Ninja]

My story...

It all started for me when I hit 7th grade. I was one of those kids who didn't really fit in but kinda did. I wasn't the best in school but I tried. I was in "special ed" but only for study hall, my other classes were normal. I loved a few of my teachers. Time passed and I was still did ok but not the best. Fast forward a few years of parent teach conferences of "she's just lazy and unmotivated." I couldn't figure out how to tell them differently, so I just gave up and agreed with them. Well we finally found out what as going on the summer before my junior year of high school. I have learning disabilities. That explained everything. The physiologist who tested me told my mom, my guidance concealer that there was to much damage done to try to redo is 2 years. So the best thing to do was to finish high school and get a certificate of completion. So I did. I had almost enough credits but they weren't the core credits.




After high school I was working, dating, and hanging out with friends. My mom woke me up one morning and said, "I found our dream home." So we moved. Sold the house I grew up in. I was only in the new house for like 2 months then my dad asked if I could stay/live with my Nana and help her out, I was 19 years old. My Nana had diabetes all my life and she was starting to have kidney problems when I was in high school. By the time I was out of High School she had a quarter size kidney and was on dialysis. My brother had moved out and it was just my mom and I. We sold my childhood home and moved to my moms dream house, a place she could have her horses. I lived there for about 2 or 3 months when my dad asked if I'd move in with Nana to help take care of her, so I did. That meant more freedom to go out with friends and stuff. I did my best to help her along with having a job. I was happy with my life at that point. My mom had been in the hospital a few months before she told me what was going on. The end of Feb. early March is when my world hit rock bottom. I had just gotten off work and I lived less the 5 minutes away so I walked every day. As I left I saw one of my friends, so he stopped and we started to drive around, then we saw our youth pastor go into were I worked. So we went back and he was walking out as we were walking in. He said "Hey Kristin, is it ok if we talk here or can we go some where else?" I was like we can talk here. With my friend next to me my youth pastor said "well you know how you mom has been in the hospital and such, well she wanted me to come talk to you about whats going on. She has stage 4 lung cancer." I started to cry and he asked if my mangers were still there so I went and got them. He told them and I got to have the next 2 days off. Some time past and my work started to suffer and I started to get sick from all the stress I was under. Then I decided to leave and visit a friend for his birthday, I didn't tell anyone where I was really going. I just had to get out of my home town, to much stress and drama. It was just going to be a weekend away but then I decided to stay. I went a few months with out talking to my mom and or Nana because I had to think of what to say and stuff. My Nana ended up having a few little strokes and ended up in assisted living then past away Nov. 28th 2008. I was able to spend one day with her. Then after my mom had fought for 2 years, she started to reject treatment and she started to not be able to walk and speak and went into hospice. She was in hospice 2 days then lost her fight July 18th, 2009.

[Pocket Size Ninja]

That is my story. I hope you get inspired to share your story to gain support.

[Pocket Size Ninja]

Reserved.

I might use this later.

[ecco]

im sorry to hear that about your mum and your nana it must have been really hard for you. i wish i could say more, but i dont really know what to say. i hope you are doing well now, though?

[neophenx]

Pray. Trust in faith. I will tell you from experience that all things do happen for some higher good so it's important not to lose faith in what you believe. No matter what happens, trust that it's for a bigger better reason.

This isn't nearly as serious or hard to deal with but it's part of my story...
I lost my job a few weeks ago. Of course I felt some depression in trying to deal with it and rushing to find a new job, but all things considered I realized that having lost that job was not an accident. It was God pushing me to find more flexible work that would allow me to find work closer to home (instead of driving 15 miles there and back burning way too much gas a week), allowing me to drive people to and from cell on certain nights and not be getting up at 3am for work the next day, allowing me to pursue more in the line of my animation and graphics hobby... and if all that even meant nothing else, allowing me to share this testimony with you. No matter what happens, doors will open if you look for them.

I pray that this helps.

[neomattlac]

I thought this was an interesting topic.
Kristin - Sorry to hear about your family.

My story starts earlier than y'alls did.
Ever since I was little, I mean elementary school, probably earlier, I was... different. I didn't connect with other kids and didn't learn social norms. I was much more... cognitively sufficient... than other kids. I actually was wondering about the development of the universe and language at the time. When I finally came up with a decent solution, in between 3rd and 4th grade, I stored it and later realized it was pretty close to reality. Anyways, as I said before, I never really connected to people. As I grew up, I gradually learned a few rules and decided it was easier just not to try to interact. I kept up a good front, talked to those who I had to, and learned to ignore the world.
In 7th grade I discovered online avatar sites, where I didn't have to hide and there were very few, broadly stated rules. I got addicted. All through middle school and high school I avoided life through avatar sites. I kept up with studies, then went and jumped online. I changed once I saw the movie Gamer, which showed people like me, who only worked so they could afford to go online. So, I changed myself for about 5 weeks. Then I got on to check my email... since then, addicted.
Other minor details of my life: As a kid, we took a lot of road trips.
Many of my relatives( and my dog) have died, but I often have a hard time letting go. I have no surviving grandparents. One uncle died recently, another is doing bad, and my mom will probably start going down soon. I have a really dense family history of heart disease, diabetes, and obesity. As well as really early balding. (I'm 20 and thinning)
I have been battling with a depressive state(not quite depression itself) since high school. I have learned to cope with it, but not overcome it.
I am overweight, and it enhanced my depression, until I turned it around and learned to appreciate my size and fought against the depression.
I am somewhat crazy, I know I am which thus makes me sane. I occasionally think I have ESP and/or can control wind, although its been proven to me many times that I don't. I also know that I will rule the world one day, and it's starting to throw my "reality plans" out the window. I think I'm an excellent speaker until I speak.
I have a twin brother and we rely on each other a lot.
I'm a very family oriented person.
I've only had one girlfriend and she asked me out, made the plans for the dates, and broke up with me. Despite that she didn't say so, I think it was because of my inaction. I wish I could change that. I think that if I could change that about myself, everything else would follow suit.
ADDITION: Also, because I never completely fit into society, I often found myself purposely doing things that were either completely different or the same as everyone else. If I found it "safe" to do it differently I would, otherwise the same. I have problems making new relationships as well. I don't to touch people for prolonged periods of time and get very nervous when they touch me for much longer than two or three seconds, but I think that's normal, except the fact that I don't like hugs from people I don't know. I also can't console very well. If I want to console someone, the only thing I feel I can do is accompany them. I have problems asking girls out, but I think that's just a "Practice makes it easier" thing.
If I want to change myself or do something, instead I research it and stuff, but I rarely actually do it. I think it is a fear of failure, but I'm not entirely sure that is what it is. But, less of a fear of failure, but rather a fear someone is going to get hurt by my actions or is going to insult me, which is terrible for me since I have had low self-esteem since I was a kid. A lot of pride developed to combat it, but false and easily hurt pride.

[Chu]

Hey there. I honestly don't know what to say to your story because nothing would change it. You have my condolences and sincerest hopes that things will look up for you.

I’ve told my story many times because I’m actually still trying to wrap my head around it, so you may have seen parts of it here or there around the site already.

My earliest memory is of my father reading me a book: 101 Dalmatians. It was the only book I ever remember him reading to me; the rest, I read on my own. Then, there’s a memory of a toy chest and bookshelf in my room. It was a nice room – I can tell we were better off than I’ve ever been since. I have a few memories of my two dogs and of them both running away. I remember having a few meals with my mother and father. I also remember hiding in my closet frequently, watching the nightlight from across the room so that I didn’t become afraid of the dark; now being in confined, dark spaces comforts me. I’d block out the noise from the living room because my parents were fighting again. Sometimes, the police would come, and I remember feeling trapped between confusion, relief, and fear as I watched my father being pulled from the house.

After they separated, I have even less-fond memories of my parents. My life began to revolve around school work because when I brought home a good report card, the tension and sadness would go away for a moment and I could enjoy time with my dad – whom I never saw anymore – as I did before. It was only elementary school, but I was a bright child, so I figured out exactly how to work my family members to get the best responses. For my dad, I’d have good grades and long hair. I’d wear pink and watch two Disney movies a day. I’d ignore all of his apologies and act as if I wasn’t bothered at all by what happened. For my mom, I’d lock myself in my room and not say a word. I wouldn’t cry or ask questions, much less ask for help. I was quiet, polite, and always colored inside the lines with the proper crayons. There were a few things that I had to do for both of them: I’d ask to play with my toys, and always clean up afterward. I’d keep the television on the lowest volume so it didn’t bother them. I didn’t have any friends because they said that they worried about me being out of the house. I had to be the perfect version of my mother – artistic, friendly, responsible, intelligent, clean, long blond hair, big blue eyes – and if any of that changed, things would go straight back to hell.

This, of course, became the norm, so I lived that way for a while. Somewhere along the lines I lost my belief in God and began creating crazy religions for myself because nothing else seemed to make sense – this is in elementary/middle school.

I always coped by changing something, whether I changed myself, my environment, or my routine. If my life was so difficult, then I had to have been doing something wrong, right? I was always the villain and the victim, and everyone seemed to agree. If I cried, I needed to grow up, and if I complained, I needed to act more like a kid. It was too difficult to find a balance there, because I’m naturally an emotional extremist, so I gave up and settled for a type of subtle perfection. No one has a problem with a pretty, straight-A student who doesn’t talk unless addressed, so long as she cleans up after herself and colors inside the lines.

When I went into high school, I actually did have a best friend. She was friends with everyone and a little boy-crazy, admittedly. We’re still best friends today, and I honestly don’t know why she puts up with me. Anyway, her closest friends became my only friends, and beginning to feel those rebellious teenage tendencies, I began hanging out with them. Freshman year was a lot of fun but also stressful because my mom began resenting me for never talking to her. She blamed me for the grades and behavior problems of my siblings, and, of course, if anything becomes difficult then it’s definitely my fault. This time, though, I changed by breaking away and becoming a bit more social. Maybe she just doesn’t want me to grow up?

I acquired a romantic interest that year and we began getting very serious around the winter of Sophomore year. This had me breaking away even more, of course, and without realizing it, I directed my accommodating tendencies to him. I did everything for him – yes, I lost my virginity to him a year into the relationship – and was just happy for the attention and affection. Although I always said that I was independent and that I wouldn’t change for anyone, it wasn’t true; it was just a façade. I had a façade that I really could never even get rid of that was this perfect, pretty, nice, soft-spoken straight-A student who always had time to help someone out. My father was spending less and less attention at this time, which tied me closer and closer to the guy I was dating.

In Junior year, I gained a lot of depth as an individual. I learned about my anxiety and confusing relationship about my father. Speaking of which, it was then that he was charged with raping a girl – my age exactly. It was a difficult time for me, and I coped by focusing all of my energy on helping my boyfriend with whatever he needed, and that was a daunting task, let me tell you. Prior to dating me, he was completely irresponsible. He did everything under the sun and had terrible grades. He was a smart guy, be sure of that, but not the most responsible. My responsible tendencies helped him through a lot of personal and scholastic things.

Anyway, I’m rambling. This previous fall, he and I began growing apart. A girl started flirting with him a lot and I suspect that she was the final straw to make him break up with me. I was a wreck, of course, but far more terrifying was the fact that I began seeing my father’s face in his. I almost called him “dad” more than once. I began having a flashback at least twice a day of a dark room – my father’s living room – and disturbing sexual things were happening. He watched a lot of porn – even had sex toys near barbies, and a kinky board game right underneath mine – so I had always assumed that it was just a movie and I exaggerated it. Then I began remembering certain feelings and scents that didn’t quite fit. As I thought about things, the rape charge, my strange fear of men, problems with intimacy, blacking out during sex, the inability to look my ex in the face after all was said and done, it just made sense. This, coupled with the stress of the breakup and some bullying from the girl who had been flirting with him, pretty much destroyed me. I couldn’t go to school because the people and setting – the fear of being judged for what I knew and they didn’t – was crippling. I couldn’t focus on any work, and I couldn’t see my ex because I always saw my father’s face in his.

I didn’t cope with this, that’s the thing. I rolled over and let it beat me. It was never healthy to change myself before, but I was at least doing something then. Now, every aspect of my life had been challenged. My issues of co-dependency became apparent and I questioned every move I made. Although my family understood of what I was feeling – I told them everything – they had trouble supporting me, and I was utterly ashamed because of how far I allowed myself to fall. I wasn’t perfect anymore – the façade was broken and I had nothing left of myself of build off of. I was nothing but the mask of a woman. I had asked my mom for a therapist a few years prior, but she never let me go. Now, I knew that I needed help, and I went to get one. I left my school and registered for courses online. I cut my hair. I began to socialize with people who I genuinely liked. I began taking more walks and bike rides. I faced my issues with anxiety, depression and co-dependency head-on. I’m still working on many of these things today, but I know that for once in my life I’m coping in a healthy way. I’m changing myself, yes, but I’m doing so in regards to my standards and no one else’s. I’m taking charge of my life and not allowing anyone to tell me what to do or how to do it, and while I may make mistakes and cause myself problems here and there, I’m more than happy to deal with them because for once, they’re MY problems, and no one else’s. I’m really not sure how I cope “in general” because I’m just beginning to live for myself, but I’d imagine it’s by getting out of the house and going for a bike ride or walk. I’ve been doing that a lot more lately.

[neomattlac]

Chu - Nice to hear that you've changed yourself since the last time I heard the story(December?), but every time I hear it, I just want to tell you to accept yourself and hug you. I also know I wouldn't do it. Which reminds me to add a few things to my post.

[THC]

I'm not trying to bring the seriousness of this thread down, but I thought this was a thread discussing how to deal drugs.
If anyone needs help in that area you can ask me

Goodluck everyone!

[neomattlac]

No, never really wanted to do drugs. I have, however, wanted to try alcohol.