Inhibitions

[Chu]

I've been thinking a lot about what inhibits people lately and figured I'd open up a discussion on it. I'm very cut-and-dry today, so not fluff or long-winded rants; let's get straight to the point.

No matter how tenacious or brave someone is, there will always be something that makes them take a step back and question their purpose, or run away crying. I'm pretty much known by my friends as being blunt and raw, so inhibitions aren't really something that I think about much. However, in my dealings with other, much more careful people, I've realized exactly how limited people can be in their day-to-day actions simply by a few insecurities.

Inevitability inhibits me a lot. I find it difficult to work for something if I can predict the outcome, even if it's good. Something about the excitement of chaos and discourse really appeals to me, so controlled environments weigh me down.

I'm inhibited by my mind because I tend to intellectualize feelings, likely as a defense mechanism. I'm very in touch with my heart, but that's the problem - I know all too well what I want, love and hate, to the point that I spend more time thinking about it than acting on it.

The most obvious and common inhibition though, would have to be my fear of being judged, particularly by large audiences. The smaller and more personal the group is, the more freely I can act.

In day-to-day life, I have trouble completing mundane tasks because I know their purpose and outcome. It's so bad - and yes, I am talking with a therapist about it - that sometimes I forget to eat or take my medication. I can take on any large, challenging project and complete it more efficiently than anyone else, but when it comes down to essential needs, I fall to pieces.

Romantically, I've begun to realize that I seek out men that are somehow unavailable, and no, it isn't because my father was absent during most of my childhood. I feel that if there are some walls between myself and the person that I'm involved with, I'm safe. If something goes wrong, there's still that wall to hide behind, and it makes it that much easier to just walk away. This wall is usually one of intellect. I'm more likely to fall for a guy that criticizes, challenges and intrigues me than one that comforts, supports and loves me. (In fact, I've never fallen for that type of loving guy. XD) This is obviously an issue because it keeps me from doing what I do best - experiencing things at full-throttle force.

I could look anyone in the eye and give them my life-story, trauma and all, baring my deepest thoughts and emotions without a second thought. However, put me in front of a crowd, and I go stiff. I can blame my anxiety all I want, but I know that it's just a fear of being judged and persecuted because deep down, all I want is to be accepted. I'm very uptight in public - prude, even. I'm the "mother and father" of all my friends because I can't let go enough to BE a friend. Get me alone, and sure, I'm fine, but not in the public eye. This is actually a reason behind my leaving school: I can't stand the environment. And yes, this is where the anxiety really kicks in. During tests, presentations, discussions, even lectures, I completely break down. No control or thought, just tears and incoherent apologies. And it's all because there are just too many people.


This doesn't have to be all serious and depressing. XD That really wasn't my intention. I just wanted to open up such a discussion to express my recent revelations, and see what kinds of things most people are inhibited by. Expect a lot of topics today. ;p

[neomattlac]

I am utterly the opposite, with the exception of the romance paragraph, and obviously the first two paragraphs. I mean, I read through and I am the opposite of just about every sentence.
I like being able to see the future, probably partially that, as a teen, I was plagued with deja vu a lot.
I don't intellectualize feelings because I have a hard enough time just identifying all my feelings, except nervousness and anger, so obviously I'm not very in touch with them. I am very indecisive so I'm not always sure what I want.
I fear being judged, but I do better with larger groups, and terrible with smaller groups.
I have no problem with mundane tasks, and I stop doing things to eat. If I do a large project, I have to break it down into smaller tasks.
I might be able to tell an anonymous person or a crowd(full of anonymous people) my story, but I have trouble telling an individual, that I might have singled out, my story. Usually I'm the "child" because, as intellectual as I am, I go along with what my friends tell me. In public, I feel free, as I can become "anonymous" myself. I hate being alone(probably because I spend a lot of time with my twin bro). I have no problems, anxiety wise, with test, presentations, etc. Complete control.

[sychobunny]

[Chu]

Without thinking too deeply on it, I'd think it has something to do with the fact that we're bred to live as a society, and not as individuals. Sharing deep things with others like secrets or emotions alienates us, which opens us up very widely for attack and persecution. We all know that we can't survive on our own so we shy away from those situations.

Subconsciously, of course. Although, I know that there's a lot more to it than that; I just don't have the time to think deeply about it right now. XD

[neomattlac]

Chu - As a kid, I never really learned most of the rules of society, but I learned to be an individual who also depended on my parents and my bro, but not on many others. I made very few friends, until high school, where I learned to carry myself differently and to let go of friends if they weren't right for me.

[Tarragon]

Personally, I'm inhibited by a fear of failure. And yes, just failure in general. In school it was bad; "if I don't answer the question aloud, I can't get it wrong." Which is flawed logic because in that environment, no answer is also a wrong answer.

It's also kept me from dating throughout my life, and not just a missed opportunity here and there-- I've never dated anyone. Ever. If I don't approach a guy then he can't reject me now, and if I ignore a guy who approached me then he can't reject me later. I know some people might want to say that's a fear of rejection, rather than plain ol' failure, however my brain is well aware that if a guy turns me down then he's not the guy I need, or even want. But the black spot of being rejected is something I have to face for sometime after the event.

That may be obtuse, but I'm the person who has restarted on a game numerous times because I didn't earn first place on every level. The only time I've finished said game was when I did earn first place on every level. I don't want the tarnish of less than perfect on my record. And if I feel things becoming too difficult in a game environment I'll either bring the difficulty down, or quit if that's not possible. Yes, I will outright quit a game rather than play it the best I can and still not be good enough to win.

I'm not a competitive person, though it may sound like I'm the one to say "failure is not an option." But, really, I'm the person who will bow out if things become a competition, rather than have to lose to someone else. In a way, I suppose it may be a control issue; I can bow out if it's on my terms, but I can't lose on someone else's. That may be a discussion for another day however, and possibly with a therapist. If I can ever afford one.

[neomattlac]

Tarragon - I'm like that almost. I say almost only in the fact that I'm just happy to finish a game, as I rarely do. But, that really does sound like me. And I bet that sometimes you feel desperate for a real relationship, so you get angry at yourself, but you know deep down you won't change.

[Tarragon]

I agree with you, neomattlac. However as for not changing, I've got it in my head that all I need to do is slim down into a size 12-16, depending on what my hips and breasts allow for, and the relationship problem will disappear. Though I also think that's just another excuse for not dealing with my real problem. My bandage fix for not having a relationship in the mean time is to obsess over actors who are too old (and them some) for me and whom I'll never meet and therefore can't be turned down by.

[neomattlac]

Which reminds me. That Abbey girl from NCIS. Yeah, she's actually in her 40's. I was like "Holy c$@9!" Heck, I'd... never mind.
I have no idea how big women's sizes are so that means nothing to me.
I want to lose just less than half my weight. I'd be shedding a person. XD
I've thought about the bypass surgery, but too much risk, my mom got it, I saw the side affects, and how little you eat. Nah. I like food.
Maybe if you live around here, you'd trade me being a personal chef(and weight loss partner) for room and board. XD
Also, I love shy people and "outcasts." Probably why I liked Abbey. Once I found out she was forty and I saw shots of her not fully made up... No.
I have a tendency to go for younger girls than me too. Not like 16 year old girls, but like freshman and 18-year-olds(thank god. It would suck to have a loli fetish). It works out really well right now, because I went and got another degree first, and am going back for another degree where almost nothing transferred, so I came in as a freshman. Unfortunately I can't ask anyone out, but I still can enjoy the eye candy. XD
In all seriousness, if you aren't like creepy young or old, I'd date you. You sound like a very interesting person who thinks a lot. And also sound like a normal person who won't chop me up, and I think I can handle someone like you being at my side for a long time.

[Tarragon]

Well, using terms you used yourself, I'm looking to shed a person/about half my body weight. And I won't be going through surgical methods to do so. Diet change, exercise, the usual suspects but not surgery. If I do manage to lose quite a lot in a few years time I might have to resort to lifts/tucks; but that's imponderable right now.

I'm not sure how much younger/older than you I am, but I'm turning twenty-three next month. I'm also not sure where you live but I'm on the west coast of the US. But unfortunately I also still live at home with Dad thanks to a very rough economy it's difficult to find employment in. Once we move into our new rental house (this one is in foreclosure thanks to the owners financial troubles), your only choice would be to live in my room, plus be under the scrutiny of my dad-- and also deal with his new girlfriend and her teenage son, provided they also move in. It's all quite sitcom like.

Over analyzing aside, I'm flattered. And I'd like talking to you more. ^__^

[neomattlac]

I'm 20, don't mind older chicks(although I prefer younger), live on the East coast, still live with my parents, but I don't have much money to my name.
If I want to lose weight naturally, I would have to do it now, otherwise I'd need those tucks, etc.
I've been told I flirt with girls online too much, but don't do anything in real life. >>

[Tarragon]

I don't believe I've ever been called an older chick. But that may be because of the crowd I hang out with. @__@ I can relate to the not much money thing. I receive an allowance, thankfully, for handling the household chores while my dad works but I'm still woefully unemployed. Things will probably stay that way for some time. As for the flirting; I don't flirt much at all, so at least you enjoy the online flirtations.

[neomattlac]

I do. Anyways, the only money in my bank account right now is extra school loan money, which is paying for gas in my quest for a new job. >.<
I don't get an allowance, but if I really need something, my parents and me will make a deal.