Addictions - How to overcome them?

[Pikmin]

Ok, so it's just gone 1am here and I'm not asleep. I normally would be but...
Well, first off I have no confidence. Whether that's because of my aspergers, rarely going out, my weight, or just the fact I generally don't get on with people my age, I don't know.
But thanks to whatever it is, I find myself staying at home, and consequently playing a lot of MMOs...

I guess you could say I have an "addictive personality"... No I don't mean people get addicted to me, but I just get addicted to things far too easily. Again, it could be because of the aspergers, or at least it's a trait of it.. Apparently. But I don't want to end up blaming that for everything that goes wrong.

I got an awful habit of spending loads of money on mmos, sometimes even for no reason other than the fact some random shitty items would cheer me up for a bit. I spent and spent loads until I ran out of money, at which point I broke down, told my mum, and actually asked her to change my paypal password so I couldn't spend any more.

For a while, things were good. Then she gave me the password back, and I did my best to not spend any more.. And for ages I won't.
But then I'll have a moment of complete failure for one reason or another, something will have depressed me a lot, and it's almost like people who seek comfort by shopping in a mall, only well, mine ain't a real mall.
And so we're brought to now. I couldn't sleep because frankly I was terrified I'd accidentally spent more than I have.

So I got up, went through the paypal statements, and actually worked out how much would still be in the bank (because paypal payments take a while to show up on the bank statements, and they're in USB whereas I'm on GBP)..

Thankfully if my maths is right I'll still have £40 left, but who's to say I won't fail again in future... I know it sounds pathetic, but I feel that because I don't have a job, despite how much I've tried, and the only money I get is disability money, I don't really deserve the money in the first place any way...

You know, I don't know what people will reply with on this, or if they'll reply at all. Frankly, you can call me an idiot if you want because that's sure as hell what I feel like. But if you've ever had any similar problems you overcame, please give any advice you have..
I just felt I had to tell someone, even if it is random people on the internet whom, for the most part, probably don't care. (No offence meant..)
And I don't feel like I can tell mum this time, it's near her birthday, and what kind of present would that be?
"Happy Birthday, and I've been a massive let-down!"

[Angelic.Demon]

Truthfully, I think you're brave. The fact that you could tell your mom what happened and asked for help is a good thing. You could do something that I wouldn't have the guts to even do.

I'm really happy you still have money in your account, because that's one less this you have to worry about. I hope you'll be able to sleep soon.

As for an idiot? Well, I have a brother that basically spends his money on MMOs and random things in general. You're not the only one that does it, they wouldn't have stores to buy things for money if they didn't think people would give them money. I don't think you're an idiot.

[Chu]

Stop hating yourself. You may feel that you have to experience this self-loathing, but that won't make you feel better; that won't make the situation better. You've acknowledged the problem, and rather than dwelling on the mistakes you've made, you need to take actions against them.

You've practiced avoidance, and it worked, but then you stopped. It's fine to cease the avoidant behavior if you're confident in yourself, but in any case, you need to do so slowly. An abrupt change like that puts you under a degree of stress and discomfort, which can drive you right back into compulsive behavior.

You also need support. You need someone there to help you in moments of weakness and put you back on track when you stray from the plan. There is nothing pathetic about what you're going through - it's something that many people struggle with. To acknowledge the problem and want change, and even to attempt it, makes you a very strong and self-aware individual, and that's something that you should be proud of.

Think about it: You were aware of the problem. Yes, you had a moment of weakness and fell back into the compulsive behavior, but you stopped before it got too bad. You checked to make sure that you didn't go too far. And now you regret it. From the sounds of it, you've grown so much from before! This isn't something that you should be ashamed of; it's something that you should be proud of. You're on the road to recovery, but it is by no means fast or easy. You'll stumble back sometimes, like you did recently. You'll doubt yourself, like you are now. And you'll need help, like you may have to receive from your mother. That's normal, and it's completely healthy. Don't hate yourself for it.

[neomattlac]

Please ignore me, if you'd like.
I think you just need to diversify your views a bit. You just see the computer, and, while on the computer, you see MMO's. They plague your mind(in a neutral, not bad nor good, way) and it becomes another reality. I know how it is. I happened to have events teach me to get out. I was told to get out and do stuff. I just called up the few friends and hung out(which isn't even something I had been able to do then). I, then, got introduced to their friends, who became friends. One of my friends forced me out the house(she's a true example of a tsundere). I still can't start a conversation well, but I've learned to hold up my end of it. I've made promises to people I hold dear, and I've tried my best to keep them.
And it sounds like you believe that just because you have aspergers, you can't act normal. Well, you can. I have a friend who has ADHD, epilepsy, and autism, but still makes friends. He's learned to see more than what's in front of him, and, not only that, but has been able to make more than he can see. He's joined sports, studied in a professional field, and is making friends. Yes, he still is "addicted" to some games, but he has learned to diversify his view. Yes, he will probably never live on his own, but he definitely won't be just relying on family; he'd be able to give something back. For him, his focus is on certain video game series(mostly Pokemon, Mario, Street Fighter, and PunchOut!), but he's learned to direct that into an interest into video studies and video editting. He'd great at it, and he's the smartest guys I know when it comes to video game knowledge(I mean, bloody genius).
So, you might not be able to change your addiction to MMO's right off the back, but you can direct it. Stop buying things on there, instead do something else when you are interested in buying something. Go study programming or 3d models and make the next MMO. Use the addiction to become good at something. I recently read in "100 Ways to Motivate Yourself" that you can turn any weakness into a strength by redirecting your energy. A shy person can become a company's "best listener" and usually comes up with the best ideas. A big mouth only seems like a good thing, but they often don't think all the way through it. Aspergers often makes a person focus onto one thing for an extremely long time, and, if I could, when I get my company running, I want someone like that for my company, even if it means that I'll have to take time out every day to have one-on-one meetings with them. I see it as a unique gift of focus. No two-faced focus on the unpredictability of social life, just focus on one thing, period. Just imagine if someone could direct that focus onto learning and executing the ability to write code, or to run a business, or to build video games, oh the glorious result!
I'm just saying that everything is two-sided. Optimism and pessimism both share the same focus. Don't be letting life get you down, just keep driving forward until you become something great.

[Pikmin]

I appreciate the advice (and for those wondering, yes I did get sleep \o/ at like 3am but still...)

I've hated myself for a while now, many "reasons" in my head but frankly I won't go into them because they all sound like excuses. Dunno whether they are or not any more, my head is a fail muddle.

And the thing with my aspergers is, when I was actually happy (at music college) it didn't bother me at all, I was "normal", probably 'cos musicians are weird anyway lol, which is why I don't want to blame it at all, I mean, where the hell would it get me anyway?... But since then everything's just become so dry and they keep getting this social worker over..

Drives me mad. She keeps giving me all these forms pretty much listing everything that's wrong with me, it's like yeah, this is really wonderful and totally helping by making me feel even worse.
I know she's trying to help obviously, and it's certainly not her fault that the forms are set out that way, but I can't help but want to attack them with blunt objects a little... >.> I won't.

I know I need a better focus in life, and at the moment I'm actually on a writing course every Wednesday. I do well when I'm there but when I'm at home I just can't seem to focus on it, not even sure why, but I think it may be because I just don't like being at home much. We've moved house so many times that they haven't even bothered to decorate any more. It's all so... beige.. And I'm here far too much. Considering going out on walks and sitting in a random field to write instead.
Always wanted to write a good sci-fi/fiction story though, so gonna keep trying it.
(I never liked Harry Potter much so I'd like to write something better lol)

I don't think I can tell mum again yet, I just don't want to see the let-down look on her face again. We get on so well normally, and I know she'd be disappointed. Then again I know I should tell her because she's the only person who's ever really tried to help (dad just went in a big mardy with me, then again we rarely talk anyway so feh on him)
... I'll tell her sometime after her birthday, right now I got her a nice present and I just want her to be happy with that.

[Chu]

I'll be honest and say that I don't really look at you as someone with aserger syndrome. I recognize that you have and struggle with it, but to me, you're more intelligent, capable, and well-rounded than most people I know. You have a problem, yes, but everyone has problems to work with - they're just not classified and labeled. I'm labeled with anxiety, depression, and co-dependency, so I can't function "normally" either, but that doesn't mean that I can't love and be proud of myself. I know for a fact that I'm a better person than most, not because of my issues, but despite them. I look at you in the same way.

Hating yourself isn't healthy, and while many people feel that way, it's not normal. You should be happy with yourself because all of those traits make you an individual - recognize that you can't be perfect. Either come to terms with or get rid of those negative traits. I want you to talk about why you hate yourself because maybe it would get those negative feelings off your chest. If you don't want to, that's fine. If you don't want to in public, that's fine too. You can message me with anything. I don't judge; I have too many problems and faults to judge. Anyway, I just think that it's healthy to get negative, festering feelings out into the open. It may not be glamorous, but it does make you feel better. But, do whatever makes you comfortable.

Most people would say that if you're not happy, to make yourself happy, but I recognize that that's much easier said than done. You can't just create happiness, even if you're using your favorite places and things. It just doesn't work that way. What I recommend instead is to put a lot of energy into those writing classes. You've found something outside of the norm and you should grab it. I think that your aspergers may make you cling to this, however, so be careful. Set boundaries for yourself that allow you to have fun while at the same time fending off obsession. (Now that I think of it, that seems pretty impossible for most, huh? My personality loves rules and boundaries...) If you don't like the fact that your house isn't decorated, then try decorating it yourself, little by little. Decorate your room, then move on to the rooms that you use the most. And, depending on how open-minded the social worker is, you could try calmly addressing your issues with feeling labeled and criticized.

I understand not wanting to talk to your mom about it yet. Spend a nice birthday with her, and see where things go from there. :]

[Fawn Silvermist]

I'd like to say I can relate... Quite honestly having myself been addicted to MMO's and spending on them in the past. For me, what helped, is I finally found what I feel is my 'calling.'

Cheezy, I know, but oddly true.

All I can say is that on some level I was deeply unhappy with where I was, and because addicted to MMO's to escape it, and their items because they make you a tiny bit happier. or maybe I was deluding myself that they did. I'm not sure.

I still have a near overwhelming urge to donate to any site game or forum i join for items. It's habit. It's... just is. But with my own little recent 'self revelation' I'm finding it easier to look at what I'm donating or buying, because you never really donate anymore, you're giving money for the incentives sadly, and in looking at it I've finally managed to ask myself 'do i really need this' And when I'm honest with myself, the answer is nearly always no. Because I really do not have the funds to continually donate or buy things, because of where I am in life (college student trying to find job but unemployed living with parents) I have no income. In addition or a several thousand dollar debt hanging over my head from college.

Before I transferred colleges, and came to my new one and had what I keep calling my 'self revelation' where I had a eureka moment of what I feel I am meant to do in life, I was majorly depressed. And Miserable. And suffering from rather severe social anxiety.

Point is, instead of looking at MMO's, you need to do some self reflection. Go sit in that meadow, and think about what makes you well and truly happy. For me, it's photography, nature, and a desire to serve the earth. A bit fantasy hero-like I know, but it's leading me to become a park ranger, and I have never been happier.

The point is, you simply have to go to a quiet place, sit down, and think. And be honest with yourself.
No, you're not thinking on what's bad, or lousy, you're just trying to find what makes yo truly happy. Not comfortable, happy. The warm feeling like a little light, it may not be strong at first, but the more you think on it and start making plans to move towards it, the feeling will grow.

Sorry If I'm overstepping myself as a new member here, but I thought my own experience (which is oddly similar to what you're going through. Not the same because no one is the same, but similar) May help.

[Pikmin]

Thanks for the advice ^^ I feel a lot better today (often seems to be one extreme to the other but eeh), and I have been trying to think on what I truly want to do... I think most likely it would end up being writing. Which is kinda sad in a way because I used to enjoy playing music so much but now I just can't seem to get the same joy from it.
I really want to start playing again, just need to stop being so bloody lethargic.

I think the only reason I started hating myself is that I don't work, both my brothers do, one is buying a house and moving out with his gf, the other has a really well-paid job and goes on loads of holidays. It's hard not to feel like the family failure.
I don't want to be some sort of legend, just to achieve something.
I've at least won part of a battle though, been allowed to put my old posters back up xD Can't do much more than that at the moment though, they're thinking about moving house. AGAIN. -_-

I've often had people say I don't seem very... "Aspergery" (totally not a word), but it's 'cos I do actually like to talk to people.. When they're not scary. Like if it were asking someone I don't know for something. Which is why I just like to ignore it like it's not there, it's just every once in a while it comes back to bite me on the arse. >.>

And Fawn, you really do sound like me with MMOs xD (or rather with your past experiences)... I mean, I'd see a costume, and it's like omg... New costume. And it'd probably be a pink skirt or something.
I don't like skirts much, nor do I like wearing pink. When I'm in a good mood though, I'll reject it, because I know I don't like it. But when I'm depressed it's like... "I want it even though I know I don't want it because having something new will put me in a better mood"... It never really does, in fact it makes me feel quite ill 'cos I realise I've been a pillock.

What makes me happy.. My pet birds, for one. They're shouty and that makes me laugh :3 Though lately one of my birds is being mean to the other one, so a little worried... What else. Reading, writing, listening to music (unless it's rap or pop, then I rage), making people laugh, which I have a knack for sometimes..
Just need to find out what to do with it all though. I mean, making people laugh could = comedian but stages = scary. -3-
I've been meaning to go for a nice long walk to think about things and maybe sit and write, but at the moment my foot's being too pathetic. In fact it's been like this for almost a year now, finally got a doctors appointment tomorrow though..

And Fawn, you're definitely not overstepping yourself o\ I don't really rank people on here by how many shiny things they have, so much of how much of a decent person they are.. Hence why I'm here really and not on my old forum where they're all TROLOLOLOLOLOLOLLLL!!!111ONE... <_<

[Fawn Silvermist]

I know how you feel. ^^
it is a lot of ups an downs, and yeah, figuring out what to do with my likes was the hard part. But I promise when you find it you'll know. It's a eureka moment ><

If you can't get the same joy from playing music can you still get joy from listening to it? or at least, does it still connect to your soul?
If it's something you have loved, perhaps you should try to find out what has made it not what it was.

I know that lethargic feeling. That was also one of the hard things to get through. really. It does seem to get better after. And Yeah, I can relate to the not working thing. I hate feeling like a burden on my parents, but I really have no choice.

If you do move house again remember to keep your hopes and spirits up though. Even if you can't do much, try to find little personal touches you can add to your room to make it a haven. Just remember not to stay there so much you melt into that puddle-of-self-sorrow feeling.

And yeah, what I found helped with the mmo's... well.. I forfeited my computer to my parents for a month.. . it had a virus, gave it to my dad to fix, we ended up having to wipe it and get new software, hence the month. I was paranoid about the virus maybe not being gone so I waited to reinstall MMO's, and by the time I go to it, I narrowed it down and set myself a rule to only play one.

I don't know if something similar would help, but maybe limit yourself to one game? Helped me. Especially since I happened to choose a game that allows the cash shop items to be sold by players in game for in game currency. That way I could get the new shiny, realize it didn't do me any good, and resell it. Kinda helped.

You don't have to be a stage comedian to make people laugh. You could be a radio show host. Or a therapist. or simply just the person people come to when they need a laugh. Not actual jobs, but big pluses in life.

But yes, I hope your foot gets better, and even if it's just out front/back to sit under a tree and look away from the house may help.

[Pikmin]

Well, update: I told mum, and she's just as disappointed as I knew she'd be...
But still, at least I have her encouragement now, and I asked her not to tell dad.

He just never understands any of this.. Doesn't even understand about aspergers, he seems to think it's a made up word, says I'm "being lazy" and should just get on with things.
(Again, I'm really not trying to blame the aspergers here but the bottom line is, it is still there, whether I work through it all or not... Like a pesky little bug -3-)
I have been trying to get on with things, it's not that easy lol... My only job I've had has been in retail and it gave me a nervous breakdown..

You'd think he'd of all people be able to understand something like this, as he has two addictions of his own, drinking and smoking... Though I think he's in denial about them being addictions at all.

Depressed right now, but eh.. At least I told her. And not gonna spend any more... Well, gonna try. Who the hell can ever say anything for definite?

[ecco]

Hmm. Although I don't share this particular addiction, I can relate. I think it's good you told your mum, though. She should be able to support you trying to overcome this, now.

and I know how it is to have a dad who just... doesn't "get it". I'm in the process of trying to find out why i'm so tired and lethargic all the time. I'll be 21 in October and I've had a problem with sleeping/energy since I was like 14? and it's only getting worse. I'm so used to being told it's my own fault, that I just have to get on with things "like everybody else" that I only recently realised that it's one of the things that made my depression worse - which in turn, messed with your sleep even more. And the attitude towards it has always been "you just have to get up like everyone else" - that's kinda hard when you can sleep through fire alarms, have full conversations in your sleep that you don't even remember. or "it's because you go to bed too late" - no, it's freaking not. regardless when I go to bed, or when I wake up, my sleep cycle is screwed. end of story.

anyways, not meaning to stray off-topic there - just wanted to illustrate how frustrating that sort of thing is, and I'll bet you are or have been experiencing similar attitudes towards your personal problems. People need to have more compassion and understanding, and realise that everyone is different.

Also what I've learnt is... while there are some things you can't do anything about - ie, you can't change the fact you have Asperger's, I can't help that I have depression etc... there are things in your life that you CAN change. It sucks and it's not usually easy, but if you want to be happier and more stable, you need to work out what there is in your life that is making you unhappy.

It could be a bad relationship - better to be alone than with someone who makes you feel like crap, or worse. It could be friends - the same thing goes there. If they don't treat you like a real friend, don't waste your time and effort on them. I cut out a whole group of friends towards the end of last year, and I've been much happier for it.

Could also be things like health.. maybe if you smoked you would feel better for giving that up, or booze - everyone gets addicted to different things... for me it's caffeine. I've never drank coffee before and I don't intend to start, because i KNOW that once I do there'll be no going back. It took me a whole lot of trouble to stop drinking coca-cola... I used to get through a LOT of that, which obviously... is not great XD or maybe it's a weight thing, or you don't like your skin. These things aren't fixed. They're within our own control.

Same as who you surround yourself with. I'm lucky in that I have a great family. Not perfect of course, but I'd not complain. But if one of my parent's was abusive or something and I knew they were one of the things that made me miserable, I'd cut them out.

sorry, I'm gonna stop here. I feel like i'm rambling. I hope some of this makes sense at least XD;

[Pikmin]

It does make sense lol, and I have a similar issue with feeling very lethargic, especially while I'm at home.. I think it's to do with my diet though, and that's a whooooole other problem
But yeah, people belittling your problems like they're nothing just makes you feel more angry/depressed... I tend to get really angry about something and then it just goes to depression. Fun times.

Being at home all the time is making me unhappy.. It's thanks to lethargy and little confidence that I do though, so I'm just taking tiny little weeny baby steps towards it xD And it makes me sad that right now I only have one true friend.

And... I'll admit I drink a lot of Pepsi. Well, not a lot, but I like having like one can a day (sometimes two on Saturdays, excuse being, well, it's a Saturday) I am also chubbier than I used to be >> But going swimming more often now so that will be fixed.

My family is generally nice... Sometimes one of my brothers can be a cocky douche, and my dad is annoying but thankfully I don't speak to him much so bleargh on him \o\

In a better mood today anyway, went around my friends house :3 I normally don't like cats but he has two cute little kittens now... I'll let myself like them though as they're going to be house cats.
(Reason I don't like them normally is when they come shit on our garden or try and kill the birds around our bird table, or our fish in the pond. Or scare the hell out of our pet birds in the conservatory....)

[ecco]

ahh glad i wasnt talking total nonsense, then XD;

yea, these things are especially tricky because they feed off eachother. ie, my diet isn't great, so that makes me sleeping problems worse, leaves me more lethargic, but because im too lethargic, i don't have the energy or patience to cook proper meals to become more healthy.

equally, i'm... i think borderline underweight at the moment, but either way, i'm very unhealthy. but again - no energy means no exercising, which means more trouble.

same goes for other people's attitudes. someone belittle's you = you feel more guilty/ashamed/stupid/depressed etc, which just makes you feel like shit in general, which is incredibely demotivating, making it even harder to break the cycle.


it may be worth asking the people you are close to for help. ie... I have trichotillomania (never diagnosed by a doctor, but it's obvious enough) and I recently pulled out almost ALL of my eyebrow hairs. In the past I've given myself bald patched on my crown. It's not a big deal health-wise, but it's very embarassing and more so, near impossible to stop. I explained what it is to my boyfriend, and good boy he is, if he sees me pulling at my hair, he grabs my hands or bats them away to stop me. and it has helped alot. the impulses are still there, but they're easier to control because I have him to help me. so maybe see what your family/friends can do to help you out

Also, swimming is awesome. I wish i could afford it (pools seem really expensive in my area... o.o) but yea it's fun, relaxing AND it tones your entire body so keep at it! <3

[neomattlac]

Ecco - I wish I could swim more, but we have one indoor swimming pool in the area and its almost always packed, and I burn within an hour, with an addition minute for every spf I use, up to sixty.
I am also very lethargic. XD Or rather, I am a major nightowl, but there isn't much to do at night. I get up about noon and go to sleep around three in the morning. For me, it isn't diet, its just a screwed up sleeping habit, thanks to odd class and work times for the past 2 years or so. I would say, less fatty foods and more "high energy" foods, like fruit salad and stuff like that. Summer foods; light foods, whatever.
Also been through depression. Beat it with willpower alone.(I dislike meds, but there are certain times you need them, like antibiotics)

[ecco]

Yea, I also agree that I prefer to try and go without medication - be it physical illness or whatever else.

But, anti-depressants are also sometimes needed - after all, some mental health conditions are caused by chemical imbalances in the brain, so no ammount of willpower will beat it. That's the case for me. I'm taking an SSRI (selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor) which is what my doctor prescribed given I have a history of depression and also told him that i suffer ridiculous moodswings - rather than just being depressed constantly, I swing from one end of the scale to the other. The drug I'm taking for it helps balance those chemicals which in turn balances my moods. I still get bad moods; but they're what you could call "normal" ie, they don't spiral out of control like they used to.