Breaking the Mold

[Chu]

I've always wanted to have kids of my own, and rather than planning wedding dresses or baby names or other such sappy things, I've always planned parenting techniques. What should I do if they fail a class? How can I encourage them to follow whatever religion they please despite my personal beliefs? On a similar note, how do I teach them to explore their sexuality without mindlessly following the trends? When should I start teaching them about philosophy, or economics, or human nature? How do I encourage them to be themselves while still teaching modesty and discretion?

And, y'know, a lot of this has to do with the things that I dislike about my society. I fully intend to raise my children, not to be Americans, but to be ten times better. However, it is called a "society" for a reason. No matter how you choose to raise your children, they will be affected by the media and other children as well. So, how do you get past that? CAN you get past it? And where do you draw that line between accepting your child for who they are, and trying to make them a better person?

[Tsemara]

It's a tough call when it comes to raising children. Not having children of my own, any advice, observations, and otherwise can be taken with a grain of salt. I'm not going to be offended if you think I'm completely nuts and/or out of line.

One thing I would definitely recommend would be to: Follow Through.
Honestly. It's something I wish my parents did more often. If there is something your child needs to do, don't give them the "Do it or else" and then not do anything about it. Sooner, rather than later, your child will figure out that you're all talk, and they won't be inclined to do anything. It's hard to try to actually get the guption to do some of the most basic yet required chores in the house. This is because I figured out as a child that if I put something off long enough Mom or Dad'll do it for me/us, in spite of what was threatened.

Secondly: Don't Cave In.
I've seen too many parents get suckered in by the either peristant whining, pestering requests, and/or outright screaming of a child who wants something. Same with teenagers. Adults are anoter story. Now, I'm not saying you need to be a total ogre and dictate every little detail of their lives. However, if you say no to something, you need to let your child know that you mean no. Caving in, even once and letting your child have what you don't want them to have will give them power over you. They'll figure out that you can be controlled through their bad behavior.

On that note, here is my suggestion. If there is something that your child really wants, isn't necessarily bad for them, but you don't want to spend the money on it, (CDs, toys/games, clothes, whatever) make them get it themselves. This is how I grew up, and I'm not sorry about that. Encourage chores that will give your child an opportunity to make money. (Recycling newspapers, cans, etc.) I'm not keen on rewarding finished chores, but that one is entierly up to you. I would not give them anything unless the job was done well, though.

Just be sure you teach them good money skills. Letting them spend and spend and spend the moment they get any sort of funds is going to bite you and them in the ass later. (I suck at saving money. Heh.)

Don't Be Judgemental
Don't say things around your child that would give them reason to think that you'd have problems if they decided to be a different sexual orientation or religion than you are. This brought up a lot of problems with my interations with certain family members. It took me YEARS to ask my mother what she would think if someone, hypothetically, was gay/athiest/considering changing genders/etc. Of course of all those things I'm only the second choice, but the results are still the same. Being raised Roman Catholics, and continuing to practice the faith, many of my family members have issues with my lack of faith, (and my somewhat apparent distain for organized religions in general) and it causes uncomfortable situations, where I'm "In the Wrong", no matter what my arguement or lack thereof is.

I feel like I'm getting off topic here. So I'm going to stop there for a moment. Maybe eat something.

[Chu]

I agree with you completely, Tsem. :] Not just children, but people in general need structure and discipline. They're just not responsible enough to be left to their own devices.


I think that it would be difficult to strike a balance between being approachable and being an authority figure, honestly. It's something that I have to do with my siblings, but I don't think that I'll ever quite reach it.

[Weaseldale]

I want to add something to the don't cave in thing...

Sure, don't just do it because you're tired of their whining. But, especially with teenagers I think, actually listen to their argument, too. There is a difference between caving in and realizing your child is right about this thing they want to do/have, and I know too many parents who think they're the same thing.

[Tsemara]

You have a good point there, Ace. I had forgotten that.

Now here's something that messed with my head while I was growing up. Be careful of how you say things. You might think that you are alone and talking to yourself, your significant other, or some other person. You might think that the badmouthing you're doing isn't going to affect your child, because you're not talking to them. You might think your bad day grumblings are under your breath. You might even think that you are giving your child a pep talk. Children pick up on the some of the strangest quirks of your speech that you're not aware that you're using. They might not understand everything that you are saying, but it will affect them.

I have heard my parents argue, when money got really tight. They were threatening divorce, badmouthing each other behind their backs, and sending "secret letters" to each other, thinking we were not aware of most of what was being said. It was bad enough I was being bullied at school for being different and frequently angry about things I couldn't control. But when you can't find a haven with your family because they seem to hate each other, where do you go?

I've heard my Dad tell my brother, when he thought I was asleep, that I would never amount to anything. Ever the dreamer, I would never succeed in life. I was wasting my life. I was a failure. And I believed him. Why bother trying anymore when it wasn't going to make a difference? I was doomed to fail from the get go. Any effort I could make wasn't going to help.

Some of the things said when I was a child still hurt, even as an adult. Some of the littlest comments made that big of an impact that it rattled me in ways that never fully healed.

[neomattlac]

Random comment:
Tsemara - I love the way you highlight a line that basically summarizes the paragraph.

[sychobunny]

In conclusion don't be like Tsemera's parents.
I would imagine it would be hard to always be positive with your kids when you see them heading in a different direction, but the outside world will step on them enough, people need some source to encourage them to push forward. Many times, it doesn't matter what the goal is, so long as there is a goal. It doesn't matter if the goal was achieved, but the process to getting to the conclusion does.

As a youngster, I found adults to be usually likable, but often ridiculous. They do things that they regret and you were standing there the entire time saying it was a bad idea, because they weren't paying attention to the whole situation. And now as an adult, I find myself sometimes making the same mistake (though I do observe other's mistakes and take notes of what happened so I don't repeat them)

Also related to Tsemera: I was born in Louisiana, where all soda is coke. And I was confused when moving to Illinois (at the age of 2.5), that when I'd ask for a coke, I'd get a Coke, when it was well known that I hated cola. >.< my was trying to teach me, but I didn't get it.

Even though I don't want my genetics being passed down, and I don't want a baby, I do find myself thinking about how I'd raise children.
I also look at what my parents did wrong, and my friends' parents did wrong, and think about how I don't want to do that. I also wonder how much of it will be instinct and if I'll recognize it when I see it.

[neomattlac]

I think about how I'm going to raise my kids all the time, as well. Though I don't have kids, I would like to have some in the next ten years, if I manage to. I don't really like the idea of adopting a kid. I just would rather be raising my own kid(although adopted kids are yours as well. I meant my genes). There is two or three good things about adopting though. You can avoid genetic things, like in my family it is diabetes, kidney problems, heart problems, and early hair loss(I'm 20 and already thinning pretty good).
Also you don't have to worry about infertility and the birthing process, since they are(usually) already born.
And finally, you don't need a spouse to take in a kid. Which I see becoming, unfortunately, more of a common thing.

[Tsemara]

[sychobunny]

Neo: my genetic offspring have a 37% chance of schizophrenia, and I don't know their chance of Bipolar, but its higher. I don't want to pass this on. And I'm not a fan of babies. So the best option for me would be adoption.

Tsemara: most of your lists are things your parents did wrong. Thus the conclusion is don't do that.

[Tsemara]

Oh, I know they did quite a few things wrong, Sycho. They admit it. I admit it. It just an awkward thing to have someone say, "you suck," and mean it, after you just finished saying you suck. You know?

They did a number of things right too, but you learn more from mistakes. *Shrugs*

[Crow]

Note: Did not read thread. Being lazy.

I just wanted to mention that the best option for raising kids is to have a community. If you have a safe and stable network around your children, they will have better childhoods and become better people. Sounds far fetched, but think about it. We /do/ need more than one parent. (Doesn't matter who those parents are or what gender, as long as there are more than one.) Children need to interact A LOT more than adults to in order to learn communication and social skills. They need a lot of different information feeds, and they need to be able to build off of different relationships. So if you can get a neighborhood going, or maybe six to ten other adults who would help you raise your child or children, that would really help.

I got screwed over. XD My mum worked days and nights. I was raised by a tv and books. Which didn't turn out too bad, but seriously.. I'm socially stupid!

[neomattlac]

[sychobunny]

schizonphrenia is a little more complex than just the genes, it takes damage to the wrong brain cells (but this dammage can happen with a normal life's helping of stress), but I wouldn't wish the level of caution that I live with on anyone. >.> and I still drink, which I shouldn't, but I don't much, and nearly everything else I'm supposed to avoid, I avoid.

Crow: I can't help but think that I'd be happy if my kid I rarely saw turned out like you. There's worse options.

[dreamer676]

This is a really interesting subject

(You know I don't have children of my own so feel free to disagree with me)
Lets see. Um with children as you say they will be influenced by the media, other children, other adults etc. What I think people have to remember is that behaviourism is taught. So if you act intolerantly towards, well whatever really, they will learn that its o.k to be intolerant, your views may translate to them. So if you decide that, Idk gay marriage is unacceptable, they may learn to think that too. If you are particularly angry or flirtatious they may think that is a perfectly acceptable way to act, if you openly take drugs or smoke or drink excessively that can all become a habit for them. Tbh I guess you could take anything this way. But basically if you have bad habits yourself and are showing them, especially when the child is young they will usually take this as a way to act, and even later when they have more information as to how other families work, how other humans act you will have still laid the foundations of their behaviour. I think it tends to come down to respect as well. If you seem/act like a respectful knowledgeable person then they may become more likely to listen to you, especially if you are firm with them so far as punishment, whereas a parent that couldn't care less, may become a person that they completely disrespect and in turn couldn't care less about. I think with children I would remember that they are learning every day, from everything they see, hear and experience. So to be careful with what I expose my children to, who I expose my children to. But on the other hand to know that no matter how much I try that they will still come into contact with people that may tempt them to do the wrong thing, or may prove to be somewhat of a bad influence, but to make sure that I have given them the tools necessary to know what they should do. Eventually their learning is completely out of your hands after all and they will learn and form opinions by themselves, I think the main thing is to make sure you teach them how to approach and deal with information.