Chu
Assistant Admin
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Posted: Fri Jan 07, 2011 5:26 pm
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| First of all, I apologize. Really. I wanted to stop using the forums as a place to vent, but I'm dealing with too much right now. I'm... not really even venting here. I just feel lost. I need help, so please, please, talk to me. I know I'm being desperate. I know. Just please read this and respond, if you care about me in any way.
We're all aware of my breakup with Sam; I was dealing with that. We're all aware of my anxiety issues; I learned how to deal with that. We're all aware of my daddy issues; I was learning how to deal with that. We're all aware that everyone is able and likely to fall into depression, and I'm not excluded from that; I could deal with that.
But this is too much. I'm just going to copy a message that I sent to a friend, as it explains things in the most concise way that I can.
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I don't know how much of my personal life you know, so I'll give you the full story. From childhood, my dad never showed me any affection unless something was in it for him, even though he'd deny that up and down, and claim that he always loved and supported me. Desperate for his affection, I always tried to be kind and pretty and smart and absolutely perfect, by all means. It never worked, but that just made me try harder. It didn't help that I was raised by my mom and aunt, who are and were both very strong women who hide and deny their emotions and have a lot of trouble actually supporting and comforting anyone. Being the emotions-on-her-sleeve type of girl, I cried a lot, and being the reclusive type of women, they got annoyed with me and would yell whenever they saw.
Not wanting to disappoint them - the desire to be perfect still busting through - I would always hide when I cried. I'd lock myself in the closet, take extra long baths and showers, went on walks for hours at a time, anything to keep them from being upset with me. It never worked, of course, because they hated that I'd lock myself away, waste water, waste time, and disappear until late at night. I'd get yelled at again, cry some more, and get yelled at, yet again. The cycle continued (they would both be in there) until both of them got too frustrated to deal with me and left the room.
This, naturally, made me a very timid person. I was absolutely afraid to get close to anyone because the closer I got, the more I disappointed them; the more I got yelled at; the more I hurt. I stopped talking to people early in elementary school and abandoned my belief in God. I was lonely, and despite what everyone told me, I didn't feel like anyone was watching over me. I became obsessed with the idea of death and beauty of the afterlife, or whatever happened after life, if anything. I wanted to know, and felt compelled to find out. I wanted to kill myself, but around this time, it became apparent that my brother and sister were going through the same emotional neglect, and I didn't want them to get to my point.
I tried so hard. At this time, my religious beliefs revolved around reincarnation and karma. I figured that if I stuck it out and became a good person, things would turn around. I continued trying hard in school, I took complete care of my brother and sister, I never let my mom or aunt see me cry, I treated every person I could with the love and consideration and tenderness that I craved so much. But I never got any in return. It was always take take take in my relationships, with everyone. Then I figured, I must be doing something wrong. Karma is working against me because I'm a bad person. I'm working so hard in these relationships only because I want to be loved - that's my problem. I'm being selfish. But I can't help it! I'm so selfish, but I can't change it. I've changed so much already - structured my life around others - and I just can't do it anymore.
I hate myself because I'm selfish. I hate myself because I'm not confident. I hate myself because I'm dependent. I hate myself because I cry. I hate myself because I hate myself. It never stops. My head swims, my thoughts race. It never stops! All of these negative, hateful, desperate, broken feelings rage inside of my head, and I can't get them out. I can't calm them down. Nothing stops them but pills, but my morals are against that type of dependency. I hate wanting pills. I hate needing pills.
More than anything, I hate that I'm so angsty about everything. People have it SO much worse than I do. I'm so selfish for making a big deal out of it all. For being so desperate, and crying so much. I should be helping others with their problems, but I don't have the will to do anything anymore. All I can do is sit here and cry all day because of the hate that built up inside of me over the years.
And this is only the beginning. Aside from the pills, this is my childhood story. These are things I went through in elementary and middle school. The only thing that changed since then WAS the pills, that's current. I thought I moved on when I went to high school. But then daddy issues started up again. Repressed memories suddenly assaulted me - I remembered that my dad was an abusive alcoholic out of nowhere! I always had this memory of my mom lying on the ground, being kicked in the stomach by a man. I thought it was an ex-boyfriend of hers, but I found out that the man was my dad, and he was kicking her in the stomach because she was pregnant with my brother. My mind was suddenly filled with memories like this, of yelling, hitting, punching, throwing. Of me hiding in the closet, just as I still do this day, when my mind started swimming in pain and confusion. Feeling helpless. The daddy that I loved for so long hurt my mom so much. He is the cause of my anxiety. Those feelings that I felt as a child, hiding in the closet, feeling the walls close in on me, being afraid of the dark, hearing suddenly enhanced to the slightest noise. Feeling afraid and vulnerable and useless. It was him. I worked so hard to make the mother fucker happy, and then I realized this. I loved him - love him - so much, but he did that! Daddy, I want to know why. I was loyal for so long, I tried to please him for so long, I loved him for so long. Why did he do this to me? To my mom? Why did he try to kill my unborn brother? Why won't he talk to me anymore? Why am I not good enough? Why doesn't he love me, after all that I went through for him? I love him so much... I hate myself for it!
He's mad at me. He thinks I did something wrong. He doesn't know that I know - my mom doesn't even know. How can I tell him? I want him to know that I grew detached over the years for this valid reason, so he'll understand. So he won't be upset with me. But it would hurt him to find out that I remembered all of the terrible things he did! Then again, why should I care about what he feels? After what he put me through?
When I was little, I starved myself. I refused to eat, and whenever I was made to eat, I vomited until I passed out. I would then have to be taken to the hospital for the night - to be hooked up to IVs. I don't remember the time well other than brief, blurry flashes of the toilet, or the floor, or the lights in the hospital, or the tubes in my arms. Now, I think that everything else was blocked out. It makes sense. I was fragile, so my mind made me forget exactly why I starved myself, but the pain from it was still there, in some way. I was still depressed, and it carried over for so long, I thought that's just how I should be.
Later, I started dating Sam, and I was so confused. He was gentle, caring, and patient. He loved me so much. And it confused me! I felt bad for being so happy that I made myself miserable for it. I shouldn't be this happy, I don't deserve it. In a way, I was blocking myself off - putting up a shield to prevent myself from being hurt. After about a year, I finally accepted that I deserved the happiness, and I embraced it. I gave my world to him - absolutely everything, from my food to my body. I never felt like I was pretty enough, kind enough, caring enough, or giving enough. I constantly tried harder and harder to make him the happiest man in the world, and didn't make a single connection to my father. Subconsciously, I used him to replace my father. Oh, God. If I had known, I would have ended it right there.
I was ready to go to college with him, you know. Sam, I did everything for him. I did homework, I proofread papers, I researched, I supported him, I did his laundry and fed him meals, anything to get the next bit of praise. To feel wanted. I'm so much more responsible than him. More analytical, ambitious, deep. I have better grades and test scores, and could honestly get into any school in Kentucky. But I felt like he needed me. I already did so much for him! I just had to make sure that he would be okay. I had to be there for him, just in case. So I didn't apply to any colleges except for the one that he applied to, because he couldn't get in anywhere else. Before this, he showed no interest in college at all, but then a little skank came into his life and convinced him to go to the college that she was going to. They were even planning a trip to New York together, during spring break, as their early graduation present. He planned all of this without regarding me at all, and when I found out, I tried to take it in stride. I felt upset and betrayed and hurt, but I accommodated him. I said that I'd let him go, to both of them, and I'd tag along for college. Whatever to make him happy. He was using me, and I didn't realize it. I still don't want to accept it. Just like with my dad, he'd say again and again that he loved me so much, that he always put me before him, that he only wanted me to be happy. But then turn around and do whatever pleased him, even to go as far as to get another woman involved right under my nose. (My dad did do that too, to a different degree because we were never romantic. Of course, with how much I repressed, I have to wonder now.)
Sam became daddy. One day, after he broke up with me, I got so upset that I screamed "Fuck you!" but what came out in my mind - what I wanted to say - was "Fuck you, dad!" Memories of Sam suddenly mixed with memories of dad. Sam's face was suddenly replaced with my dad's in my mind, and I felt like I was going insane. All the while, Sam was turning someone who I thought was a friend - from Sophomore year - completely against me. Not to mention the cunt that he's going to college with. While I was still reeling from the psychological shock of mixing Sam and my dad in my mind, the girls were harassing me in school. My anxiety was getting worse by the day, to the point that I couldn't be in the same room with them without - literally - wanting to scratch the skin off of my face. It wasn't even about Sam anymore - evidently it had never really been about him in the first place.
I was trying to make myself better. I was scheduling an appointment with a psychologist, talking to the school psychologist in the meanwhile. But suddenly, apathy struck. What's the point? Throughout my entire life, I tried so hard to become perfect. I already tried hard to be a good person, and look where it got me. It doesn't matter in the end. No matter how good you are, you're going to go through shit, so why should I even bother? I'm sick of it. I'm tired of trying, at anything. I'm tired of dealing with life. Again. Devon and Larissa - my brother and sister - are older now, they don't need me as much anymore. And they have their dad! He left for a few years, but he came back! They have him now, so I don't need to be around to love and support them. They have someone, so I can die in peace now. I don't need to look after anyone - dad wants nothing to do with me, Sam wants nothing to do with me, and Devon and Larissa don't need me. My world isn't over; it's not like I don't have anything to live for because I can MAKE or FIND something to live for. But the will is gone. I'm so exhausted.
Have you ever heard that cliche that people will die if they don't have the will to live? I think my immune system took a hit, similar to that. Ever since things started getting really bad again, I began getting a lot of stomach issues. I rarely poop, and when I do it's not exactly pretty. I always wake up nauseous. There are a lot of other things that you don't need to know the details about, but you get the point. Actually, when I was little, I almost had to get surgery on my anus because of a medical issue. My mom didn't do it because it would cause me to lose control of my bowels. Now, it would be ten times worse if I were to get it. I went to the doctor with these issues and was prescribed three medications - two stomach, one anxiety. Nothing was working, and one night - the Sunday before Christmas - I woke up with diarrhea and vomiting, simultaneously. I went to the hospital, got hooked up to IVs, and got prescribed two more stomach medications. They also found an ovarian cyst. I have to go to the doctor tomorrow to get checked out again, but I don't feel any better. Because of the constant diarrhea and vomiting for the past few weeks, I've had no energy to do anything, even study for my midterms. I have no will, either, but if I had the energy, you know me, I'd still do it. I'm just... depressed. I've denied it for a month, but I can't anymore: I'm depressed. I don't want medication - it messes you up. |
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As it turns out, my mom and I are about 80% sure that my dad molested me as a child. It hurts so much to admit, but things just make sense that way. My anxiety, my fear of men, my fear of intimacy, my absolute hatred of alcohol, my urges to pull out knives on Sam during intimate situations, my obsession with being kind and intelligent and pretty for my dad, the strange atmosphere between my dad and I. I have a memory - I won't go into detail for you - that always bothered me, but I brushed it off as something I saw on TV. But the feelings and scents... Those don't come from television. And even though I don't see my dad's face in the memory, it doesn't mean that it wasn't him. The one of a man kicking my mom in the stomach had the man faceless, and years and years later, that turned out to be my dad. This may, too.
What makes it worse is that this is bringing back memories of my mom's. She was raped by her best friend's father when she was twelve; pistol whipped and beaten and left to die on the side of the road, in only a torn shirt and bloody underwear. Apparently, there was also more to that memory of dad beating her too. He also tried to rape her that night. Luckily she fought him off, but years later - a few years ago from present - another girl wasn't that lucky. He was sent to court on the charge of raping an under-aged girl. A small part of me believed it completely, but I was too ashamed to admit it. I didn't know why, but something in the back of my mind scoffed and said, "Makes sense." I couldn't begin to explain the confusion and self-hatred that I went through during that time; the worst thing in the world is admitting that someone you love may have raped you or someone else, and it makes it even worse when a part of you knows that it's true.
I've been struggling with this memory for a few months. I was too ashamed to tell you about it in the previous message, largely because I wasn't sure. I don't feel dirty or anything like that... Just guilty, conflicted and ashamed. He wanted to take me on a cruise for my sixteenth birthday, but as soon as I found out that we'd share a room, something told me not to go. We got my passport and everything, but at the very last minute, I faked sick and stayed home. For a long time, even through childhood, I didn't feel comfortable hugging or kissing him. I didn't want to sit near him, let alone on his lap. I found sex toys - even a board game, kept right underneath my Pokemon Monopoly game - throughout his house. I felt so wrong whenever he'd talk about how much he still loved my mom and how much I looked like her in the same breath. Everything adds up so perfectly... And I didn't even consider the possibility until a few months ago. I'm still not even positive! But a part of me is. I'm just too weak and hurt already to take it on. I feel so close to the edge right now. I don't want this. I hate repressed memories... |
I'm so far beyond my breaking point. Throughout my entire life, I tried so hard to make my dad happy and to make him love me. I have every single report card I've ever gotten, because I wanted to show him how well I'd always done. I worked through my anxieties every year to continuously get good grades. Even when my sister was hospitalized, barely clinging to life, I did well. Even when I found out about a big brother that I'd always wanted, but would never have, I did well. Through every fight that I had with friends or Sam, through every funky mood or depressing stage in my life, I did well because I thought that if I did well enough, he'd come back a changed man.
I did it all for him, and I hate myself for it. I was so ambitious, but for all the wrong reasons. I was an idiot. I blocked out that terrible memory, and many others, because I loved him. I worked for him as if he were the greatest man to live, despite what he did to myself, my mom, that girl, and who knows who else. And I didn't even realize it. What a fool.
I feel so used and exhausted. I fought off depression for many years because of him. I fought off anxieties and fears. Because of him - and, regrettably, paradoxically, for him - I went through so much trauma even before this point. I grew up and lived a fighter, full of independence and love and drive. Where did it go? I'm used up. Beyond used up. I've vomited my guts out and had constant diarrhea for two months because of these repressed memories. I have an ovarian cyst that was ruptured because of the constant wrenching in my stomach, and a hemorrhoid because of the constant wrenching in my anus. I've gone through two anxiety medications because nothing helps. I can't sleep at night because of my dreams, but can't stay awake because of my analytical, tenacious mind.
This is what life is like for me now. I feel like I can't go back to school. I feel ashamed, not only because of the memory, but because something has beaten me. I was strong. I endured a lot and my peers knew. But now I'm beaten. My anxiety has gotten so bad that I can't talk to the doctors anymore - they're all too unfamiliar, too professional and judgmental to even look at. I had two anxiety attacks at the hospital last night: One with the receptionist, who was simply asking questions, but made me uncomfortable through the mere fact that she was a stranger, and one with the doctor, who had to examine my anus and found the hemorrhoid. You can guess why that would trigger one. If I'm around anyone who I'm not 100% familiar with, the anxiety kicks up and I just can't handle it. I have to walk away, hide in the bathroom or some other small area. Now you tell me how I can handle school like this?
I want to do E-school. I would have to change schools, and still go to class for three hours once a week. I wouldn't see my friends or teachers anymore, but I'd only have one class - for half a credit of English - and I'd be done. No one supports me in this except ONE guy who I haven't even talked to since we saw each other LAST year, before his departure to Japan. But I'm so spent. I don't know if I can handle this.
Tell me what you think. Criticize me, lecture me, support me, I don't care. Just tell me what you think.
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Maeve
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Posted: Fri Jan 07, 2011 7:13 pm
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| *hugs Chu*
Gah, Chu, you know I'm not good at talking about serious stuff! ''>.>
No seriously, I just can't find anything to say. I mean, anything helpful or intelligent... I just need some time to place things better, I guess. I'll edit this or repost when I find something...
But anyway, I hope things will get better for you, and if you need to talk to someone, just PM me or email me. I can't really promise I'll be able to help, but I'll listen and do my best. .gif)
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On semi-hiatus all the time during school year.
I'll reply to post whenever I can.
PM me if you need a quick answer. |
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Chu
Assistant Admin
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Posted: Fri Jan 07, 2011 7:26 pm
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| To be heard and cared for help more than nothing, Maeve. Thank you for posting.
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| _________________ Add me on Skype! I'm ewitsChu. Even if we've never talked, just tell me your username in the friend request and I'll accept.
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Tsemara
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Posted: Fri Jan 07, 2011 8:58 pm
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| Wow, Chu. That's a lot to take in. I know, you just want someone to acknowledge that you've written this. I really want to say something that'll help, but I just can't come up with anything that would even remotely help.
I'm really hoping that something changes in your life to turn it around.
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Wolf at heart.
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Hang on...you went to attack a coyote...with a KATANA?! Dude, that's so badass. |
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Chu
Assistant Admin
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Posted: Fri Jan 07, 2011 9:06 pm
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| _________________ Add me on Skype! I'm ewitsChu. Even if we've never talked, just tell me your username in the friend request and I'll accept.
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KoyiTar
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Posted: Fri Jan 07, 2011 9:14 pm
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| *huggles Chu*
I am not sure how to help you dear. I am still drying for you because I know not all the pain you have but quite a bit of it. My father when I was five well I won't really go into it but he sexually abused me. I remember it nothing so far as rape but it could have gone there very easily. He was a drunk but not the violent kind that I can recall.
I have a bad habit of repressing memory's to the point that I have forgotten people that say omg we used to be best friends how can you not recognize or even know my name. It's that bad I did that with mutual friends of mine and my first BF. I locked all those memory's away deep down inside of me to never have to feel the hurt and betrayal ever again. He used me for so long and I didn't see it for so long that now it just hurts to think about it.
The reason I do is because an old friend of mine and his recently came back into my life in a somewhat good way. Anyway as I was saying.
You may not feel it now but there is something worth liveing for. Whatever that reason is it is there somewhere you just have to figure that out for yourself. I lived for other for so long myself that at one point I almost gave up. Then I realized I don't have to live for these other people I have a right and a need to live for myself. I have been doing so ever since without any meds accept Excedrin but that's cause I get BAD migraines. I have many a moment where I backslide and go into states of depression. I have been in one for about two weeks now over something I am really unsure about. Of course I go into a depressed, or anger mode when I get highly stressed out.
With work this happens often anyway back to you sorry I stray from subject to subject.
I have a belief that everyone is put here for some reason or another. Not everyone has found their reason for being here yet but they have a higher purpose than just filling a void till their death. I do not believe in god per-say but I do believe there is a higher power of some sort. Ok What I will really say is this that I don't believe in organized religion.
I don't know what your purpose for being here is Chu but you have one believe that and know that their are people that care. People that aren't psychiatrists and want to put you on meds. I don't believe most of those things work anyway. We all have ups and downs some of us have more downs than others. I mean look at me despite knowing what my father was I ended up marrying a sex offender myself in the long run even had a kid with him. Now I am so much more careful.
I do hope things look up for you I don't know if my words will eve really mean much to you since you really do seem on the very edge just from reading that. I just hope that I was able to help in some tiny way to comfort you.
That has become my purpose, I help people because helping people is what makes me happy even if its just a few helpful words I try my best it's just what I do.
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Reika
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Posted: Fri Jan 07, 2011 10:15 pm
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| Hi Chu.
It seems to me you've been through a lot. I'm never the one with the best things to say, but I think you deserve a response.. I'm going to jot down my thoughts as I read here;
I don't think I can say much about your father, not being in that type of situation myself. But I think that sometimes people need to look at the effort and process instead of just the end result. So much more could be learned that way. So much can be said about you if people see that you are trying hard to be smart and a good girl, even if you don't end up being one.
My father is away a lot on trips, so I also live with two females pretty much all the time. They also tend to get incredibly noisy when tension rises.
Taking long walks/baths/showers I see it as a good thing. I think it's something that even I should do more of, but never get to because there is just so much I could be doing !! But don't be that kind of person. Taking these times to become calm and rest your mind i think is important for your mental health. If your mother and aunt are reclusive women, I hope that they will understand the healing process takes time. Don't let it be bottled because there comes times when people ask questions and you just can't say a thing or they will know and then half your life becomes a secret inside.
I don't have that feeling of wanting to kill myself before, because there is just too much in this world and bad or good I don't want to miss it before End comes. I'm glad you were able to power through it and not kill yourself. You are such a good person to consider the emotions of your siblings and decide to not leave them.
I am very sorry that your religion and beliefs could not support you. They can be such powerful things.
Though I can't possible understand what you feel, but that was just a little of what I was thinking whilst reading. I have problems, you have problems and I think that sometimes comparing them may not be accurate because they affect us in different ways. My issues probably not bad at all after reading that.
I am most sorry for not being able to come up with the rights words to begin to describe what I thought, how much I care for your situation, and how much your words have made me reflect on the struggles that I am going through. And I am sorry because you have written your story and I can not give you any help.
i can not give you any advice to heal what you've been through; i do it the wrong way, just burying myself in work, in projects. I need to be doing something constantly or else I will remember. I'm not quite sure that this is the way that will help, so instead I really hope that you can find your own path out of this.
Sorry, but I tried my best to make you understand what I thought.
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Keylaleigh
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Posted: Sat Jan 08, 2011 7:01 am
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| I read through that entire thing and have no clue as to what to say.
Just know that I'll be sending positive energy your way, okay?
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ecco
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Posted: Sat Jan 08, 2011 1:10 pm
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| I started reading this last night, but then I had to stop cos I was expecting someone and I knew i'd need a while to respond to this properly...
first off before i forget about it - the e-school thing? i have no idea what that is, but i assume its like learning from home using the internet or something like that. As i know nothing of it, I can't say what i really think other than you must do whatever you feel is right for you. If the environment at school makes things 10x worse for you, then perhaps it would be right to take a different route educationally. on the other hand, it could lead to you becoming quite isolated.
i'm very opinionated, as I'm sure you know - your ex, the bitches at school that harass you - fuck the lot of them. really. if someone is supposed to be your friend, they should damn well act like it. my depression started when i was 10 because of "friends" that suddenly decided to turn on me, but then act friendly again, back and forth til my mind was totally fucked, basically. i imagine its similar for you, only worse i imagine, since older girls are so much worse. i have very few female friends because of my experiences. i find them vicious and manipulative and deceptive. i have a lot of my own issues because i have a fear of becoming the kind of woman that i so despise.
as i think you know also, i spent the majority of 2009 & 2010 getting myself in a whole lot of emotional shit where relationships are concerned. basically just getting mindfucked by a guy who i adored and thought was wonderful in so many ways. i'm lucky to have Candy who brings me back to reality - and since he came back to my life, i realised those "friends" that screwed me over last year are a waste of my time and effort. In november, I vowed to cut all ties with them. I haven't spoken to them since, and I am much happier for it. Perhaps this might work for you too.
As for your father... well.... i really feel he is "father" in the sense of biology, but i feel tense with the idea of him being "dad" or "daddy" - a dad/daddy is the man who cares for you, protects you, and helps you as you grow up. I am very lucky that my homelife is pretty sound. So i can't claim to know what it's like. but take this for instance - candy has a sister, a half-sister, and a half-brother. his half-brother's father worked in the special forces and was a complete asshole towards their mum and the kids - then eventually just fucked off and was never to be seen again. candy's dad, well, he is still friends with their mum - he's round their house all the time. and he treats his little half-brother as if he were one of his own. He takes him to football practice, lets him sit on his knee, just general daddy things. it's very sweet. I guess, what I'm hoping you might take from this little story is that sometimes you're better off with an adoptive father - clearly projecting a boyfriend into the daddy role is not a great idea, but maybe you could build a relationship with your sibling's dad? or just an older male who is a good person, just a platonic relationship with someone. like how so many people refer to their closest friends as their brothers or sisters.
i'm sure i'll find more to say later, but i'm being rushed to go for dinner. I really hope this helped, even if it is in the tiniest way. I honestly think you are a wonderful person Chu, i often have people say they think befriending someone over the internet that you've never met is stupid or whatever else - but i don't think so. I genuinely care about you and I hope you know it... Right now i think you must just take the time out to take care of yourself - you can't heal yourself if you don't give yourself the chance, ya know? aghh. i don't know what else to say right now. Saying I hope you feel better soon seems so unhelpful right now *hugs*
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Poofle
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Posted: Sat Jan 08, 2011 3:37 pm
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| AAAARGH. Again, I feel completely anticlimax just barging in here and posting because I'm a complete newbie (I joined today) and I don't know you at all.
But anwyay... I seriously wish I knew you for real so I could give you a big big hug. :/ I have so much to say to this yet the words won't exactly come out, so I'm sorry if this sounds strange or anything. D:
But you've really really been through tons and tons and I have no idea how anyone, most of all myself, can help with just cold text... I can't even say I 'understand' your situation, because all my reasons for anxiety/depression is just stupid old teenage angst compared to yours. I know this sounds super cliched, but really... keep fighting. I know it's going to be more than impossibly difficult because you know you've been fighting so long for someone so horrible, but believe me, you'll definitely find people who care about you, even if it's just one person. It may not be an excellent example, but every one of us who comments on this post probably cares a lot for you and would completely support you in real life if only we could.
Your words have made me reflect on how lucky I truly am - I'm a serious weirdo in school and I'm really hyper and eccentric and I say things that make everyone go 'uhhh what' all the time and I do get ostracised... but I have my own handful of true friends. And I've still been getting depressed about being 'different'. For that, I'm so sorry. What I'm trying to say is, believe it or not, someone who cares does exist out there so hang on and don't give up. I know you're tired and really sick of how horrible life's been and all, but giving up is never worth it.
If not anything (and since you believe in Karma), if you commit suicide your soul is apparently doomed to become an earth-bound spirit for millions and millions of lifetimes. I'm not trying to be funny or something - I'm Buddhist and we truly do believe this. Even if you can't believe in God or a sentient being, cause and effect always exists so there's no certainty you'll definitely be reincarnated at once. And no matter what, torture like that is thousands of times worse than anything life can bring, it's a promise.
AH. I feel as if I've been completely useless and I'm just making things worse, so I'm really really sorry. I know I'm just a random stranger who wouldn't know better, but if you ever want to talk, you can PM me or something. >_< Just stay strong, okay? No matter how horribly terribly insanely difficult it is. I've stupidly attempted to kill myself quite a few times, but seconds after the crazy thoughts pass I'm extremely happy I never once succeeded.
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kerryfox
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Posted: Sun Jan 09, 2011 1:04 am
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| *hugs*
It is a lot to deal with darling, but I think you have made the right step, writing out some thing like that can help. I hit stress point last year and writing was one of the methods I used to help keep me together, and it really does....
I don't know if it would help any but you seem far more comfortable with talking to people on line, perhaps as silly as it sounds, e-mail your doctors? that way you can start breaking down the fact they are strangers and perhaps they can help ease things for you when you have to go in.
As for the school thing, I think the e-school would be a good option. My advice would be to go in head of time and let them know there are gonna be moments where you have to escape and just to let you go, most teachers are cool so long as you warn them before hand.
Either way keep you chin up darling, you have made it this far and have people whom are willing to support you in making it further.
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neomattlac
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Posted: Sun Jan 09, 2011 10:13 pm
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| First off, I'm going to warn you that this is gonna be all over the place.
So many things I want to say, but can't quite express through words.
I just wish I knew you offline, after all, I have somehwat of a guardian complex, and anxiety as well. Interesting thing. Wanting to hold the hurt and stay away at the same time.
Anyways, reading that made me want to protect you anyway I can. You have done some much for this site, and I wish I could retrun the favor.
See, I don't have many friends, and I am, as I said, overprotective, and clingy. I tend to give back ten times what I recieve.
If I knw you offline,I might have messed you up further because of your anxiety, but I would have been there. I would have been way too nice and don everything for you, even iff you were hurtful.
Anyways, enough about me.
I can't help you much, except to tell you to keep going. You've been through worse, and we all want to see you keep going. If you ever need anything, let me know. My college is really nice, and really liberal and just overall awesome. Like the dream college. Everyone is pro-equality, there is no bullying, as far as I've seen, problems are dealt with immediately, we have a great counsoler, half the campus has scholarships, etc. Enough bragging.
Like I said, if you need anything, let me know. I am a little egotistic/prideful, so I may sound a bit, well, prideful, but I'm willing to help any way I can.
Despite the fact that you don't like drugs, you might need them. I'm like you, though. I don't like any drugs, unless I really need it, and I always strive for perfection, but I've never rerached it. I become smart and stuff and do the work, but don't turn it in.. I get average grades because I'm so used to just having to learn it.
You sound amazing to me. You have accomplished so much, despite so many hurdles. You have become an over-achieing, tender, loving, driven woman. Please don't give up. If anything, keep us in mind. We all want you to push through. I want you to push through. I think you could become a wonderful person after all of this. I think you AR a wonderful person period. Like the woman I would envision myself one day marrying.
Your mom and aunt, you need to just ignore them. Your "friends" and classmates, ignore them too. Remember that there are people who care about you. You say your pbrother and sister don't need you, but they do.
Do you really want to inflict that pain onto them? The pain of a sister stolen from them? Someone who they love? Someone who was a parent to them when they needed a parent the most. You took care of them, when your parents deserted them. If you think they don't need you, you are wrong.
Your aunt and your mom are just crazy. Sounds like you need to move out, if you haven't already. Just don't become a recluse. I know how that happens. It starts off as just not going to an event because you don't need to, then it escalades to the point where you are starving because you are too nervous to go to the grocery store, and you end up in the hospital again. Don't do that to yourself.
Don't ruin the great person you are. Don't deprive the world of the woman you are. Sounds like you have great potential within you. You could become the next Senator, the first female president, the counselor that keeps a kid from shooting himself and twenty others, the teacher that teaches a person right from wrong, the parent that raises her son to become a right gentleman, her daughter to become a beautiful lady. Please don't deprive yourself, and the world, of your future.
And eat right.
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| _________________ Remind me to remind you to give me stuff
Send me your drawings of ducks.
I have a really bad memory, so if we got into a conversation or something and I just vanished, feel free to send me a pm and I'll reappear. |
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Chu
Assistant Admin
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Posted: Fri Jan 14, 2011 2:11 pm
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| I'm going to try to respond to everyone directly at the risk of eventually sounding redundant or fake.
@Koyi: That sounds terrible. I'd rather know the hurtful truth than a lie in any situation, so knowing that I've repressed and/or forgotten so much from my past really bothers me. I keep trying to dig deeper to find more things, but it only hurts me more, and I don't know if I have the strength to go any further. That's pathetic, to not have the strength to know the truth.
I thought I knew my purpose. I thought that I was meant to help others and be strong for them, but I'm spent. I gave my dad (and probably Sam, to some extent) far too much, and there's no "Cara" left for myself. I keep getting the same speeches about how I should live for and take care of myself, but I don't know how, and I honestly don't want to. I'm disgusted with myself for working so hard for a man that hurt me so much. All I ever did was try to please him, and it landed me here. Why try pleasing anyone else? On the other hand, that goes against my nature. No matter how hard I try to make that shell, I always end up caring for SOMEONE and letting them take advantage of me. I feel like my only options are being a doormat or becoming a recluse.
@Reika: I don't know why I bottle things up the way I do. I guess on some level, I'm worried about being judged, but on another, I'm more worried about causing trouble for others. I've put my mom through so much stress because of all of this; even though she tries to hide it, I can tell. I feel so guilty for that.
The support that religion gives people through such times is what makes me respect it so much, but I've become to stubborn and prideful to take that aid. Now, I don't want to rely on religion, even though this is probably when I need it most. I just want to be "better" than that.
I'm a workaholic like you; usually I use Midorea as a source of work to get my mind off of things, but I can't even do that anymore. The pain gets too strong and the silent tears turn into wretched sobs. The only things that I can use to distract myself anymore are violent or roleplay video games.
Thank you for your words and concerns. Don't feel bad that you couldn't say any more - I can tell that it was genuine.
@Key: Thank you. I think you may be happy to know that the Power Rangers .gif makes me smile every time I see a post of yours. :]
@ecco: I've always experienced isolation, and I would be spending time with my family and some friends if I took that route, but I decided against it for what I think are the wrong reasons. One is that the psychologist says that I'm not stable enough to make big decisions like that, and if I did, it would likely lead to regret and further depression. The second is that my family anticipates a traditional graduation so much that I just don't have it in me to let them down. They're all trying so hard to be strong and see that I graduate that... I just can't give up. I need to for myself, I really do. But I need to graduate with my class and in that ceremony for them. They'd be so disappointed otherwise. Pathetic, right?
I'm trying to cut ties. I want to believe that Sam is a genuinely sweet and caring guy, but he's not showing it, and he's not standing up to those girls for me, so what am I supposed to believe? I don't want to resent him - I'm trying not to - so I think it's best for me to cut ties with him, too. What hurts the worst about it is that he was my only support for two years, pretty much becoming my "everything". To know that my "everything" suddenly vanished is very stressful. I don't have anything to back myself with anymore. It's more of that than a personal, sexual or even emotional attachment. I miss him as an idea; not a person.
Kenny is definitely my father as far as I'm concerned. It really does hurt to admit that, for some reason, but he's great to me. I can trust him, and I don't feel that discomfort around him that I did around my father. It's nice to know that there is a man in my life who I don't have - and never will have - any sexual relation to, and that we're perfectly happy with that. Having male friends and such always opens up that possibility, which makes me a little uncomfortable after regaining these memories.
Thanks, ecco. I know. :]
@Poofle: I don't mind.
You did give a comforting example. I love my internet friends more than my "real life" friends most of the time because I find that they are more genuine with me. Is that odd? xP
Hah, I didn't consider that, about the suicide. I guess my mind became clouded with depression. I must look dumb.
I'm actually a little surprised at how receptive you were to my post. I hope that we can someday become friends.
@kerry: It's a little odd that I prefer talking to strangers than personal acquaintances. I emailed my teachers about everything so my workload in school has drastically decreased. I was even exempt from my midterms.
Thank you.
@Neo: Thank you. My first impressions (way back when) of you admittedly weren't very good. I didn't think you were very serious or reliable, but I think I've been proven wrong over time. For some reason, that's comforting. Anyway, what I want to say is that I've grown to trust you quite a lot, which as I'm sure you could guess, is quite an achievement.
I know that I need some medication, and I'm only just now beginning to accept it and take it. I keep forgetting though. I always need to be reminded to do everything - even eat - so it really leaves me feeling more pathetic than I already do. I need strength, but it's very hard to find.
I'm trying to break through to my mom. We've always had ideological differences and it led to a lot of tension over the years, but I need someone. I'm a physical person, so nothing really helps me more than strong arms to cry in, and even though that sounds like a romantic thing, my mom is a wonderful source of strength in that situation. She's been through what I have and more - that's why she is the way she is today. It's difficult for her to hear all of this and see me hurting, but she does care, and she wants to help, she just has trouble finding a median between holding back her emotions (because I need her to be strong) and letting enough out (to give me personal comfort).
Haha, thank you. I'll try.
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| _________________ Add me on Skype! I'm ewitsChu. Even if we've never talked, just tell me your username in the friend request and I'll accept.
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evercharmer
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Posted: Fri Jan 14, 2011 3:39 pm
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| I don't really know you, though I do remember seeing you around when I was active on this site. (I just remembered this site today.) I'm not really sure that anything I have to say could be helpful, but I think I'll still try to say something.
It's good that you're trying to take medication. There's nothing wrong with asking for help, and you really shouldn't be afraid to.
Repressed memories aren't fun. I'm not really comfortable going into it that much, but I hate the idea that my mind is still probably hiding things from me that I remember but don't want to think about. I wish I had advice to give you on how to get those memories back, but I don't know myself.
There are people that care about you, though. I'm sure your family does (excluding your dad, but I don't really think he counts as your dad if he's done all of those things to you), and from the responses you've gotten so do the people on this site. I care, even though I don't know you; I want you to be happy.
Even if you don't know me you could PM me if you want someone to talk to, or you could e-mail me. My e-mail address is in my profile.
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Call me Jay. |
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Chu
Assistant Admin
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Posted: Sun Jan 16, 2011 2:48 pm
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| Yeah, the biggest thing about repressed memories that bothers me is that they play on my need for control. WELL. Needless to say, I feel completely out of control. And then to have my mom and psychiatrist saying that I'm not stable enough to make my own decisions just makes it even worse. I'm not even Cara anymore, I'm just some nutcase that can't do anything on her own.
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| _________________ Add me on Skype! I'm ewitsChu. Even if we've never talked, just tell me your username in the friend request and I'll accept.
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