A piece of something I wrote :)

[Tempest Maximum Aleta]

First of all, I hope this is the right spot. I'm pretty sure it is....

Anyway, I'm writing a book, and this is part of it:
I wandered around aimlessly while Willow and Echo were in the shop. I glanced into each brightly lit store I passed. I observed how gray the city was as I looked. The bricks that built the buildings were gray, the sidewalks were gray, and the streets were dark gray. I hadn’t gone far when I sensed I was being followed. I sniffed the air. Smelled like street trash. I turned around. I recognized them instantly. They’d shot at me a few years ago. They were clinging to the shadows against the gray buildings, but glaring at me, arms crossed. I raised my eyebrows and placed my hands on my hips. They stepped forward.
“Well?” I snarled.
***
I was reaching for my gun. This girl had gotten in our way and escaped once, she wasn’t going to be so lucky this time. This time she was going to die. I pulled my semi-automatic pistol from underneath my shirt and showed it to the girl in a way that those who passed wouldn’t notice anything wrong. The girl looked at the gun then at me, contempt in her gaze. She didn’t seem the least bit scared.
“Into the alleyway,” I ordered her. I glanced briefly at Raoul, who seemed confused at the girl’s behavior. I looked back at the girl.
“Whatever,” she said, turning and walking down the alley.
I scowled. She was making this too easy. Why? I followed her into the alleyway where we couldn’t be seen.
***
I had a bad feeling about this. Something was wrong. I went along with it, however, because of Todd’s gun. By the time we were at the back of the alley, my troubles had vanished. What could this girl do, anyway? She was only seventeen or eighteen and wasn’t that big.
“Ole Frost ain’t here to save you this time, girlie,” I taunted her.
She flashed me a wicked smile. “Maybe so, but this time I don’t need him,” she growled, anger flashing in her eyes.
***
When I said this, he just stared at me blankly and blinked. I pushed briefly into their minds. I shuddered when I saw what they had planned for me, but pushed on. Their names were Todd and Raoul. They were gang members. They’d done horrible things to countless people for money, pride, and no reason at all. I couldn’t figure anything else out. Their thoughts were completely muddled from alcohol and drugs. I pulled out.
Todd was holding his head with one hand, and Raoul swayed on his feet. In their momentary confusion I moved so that I blocked the exit to the alley. Then, suddenly, I lashed out with my right leg and slammed Raoul in the side with my foot. I heard the air swoosh out of him. Todd didn’t hesitate in lifting his gun and firing at me.
Not one of the ten rounds hit me. In an instant I was behind him and clapping my hands over his ears. For a second I saw through his eyes as he screamed in agony. He dropped the gun. Then I was out of his mind and bringing my right fist around and punching him in the head.
Raoul had come to his senses. He grabbed up the gun and pointed at me. It was out of ammunition and wouldn’t fire, so he swung at me with it. I jumped straight up, higher then the gun. He gaped at me. I snickered and slammed him hard in the chest with the heel of my hand. He fell on his back and winced. Growling, I slammed my foot into his neck. I heard it snap and knew he was dead.

- This is still a WIP. I don't even know if I'm going to use it.:\ Oppinions? Please don't steal! <--- I like that face!

[Chu]

Close! Your own writing goes in The Storybook - discussion of writing in general goes in Writing Chat.


You should work on varying your sentences a bit. At the moment, the story reads something along the lines of, "I did this. I did that. Then I did this." Such abrupt, disconnected sentences make it feel as if you're telling the story, and not sharing or, as cliche as it sounds, showing it.

I think that you would also benefit from focusing more on imagery. You have a good foundation, and I can tell that the image of what you want to express is there, but it lost some description along the way. When you describe the gray city, what shade was it? What did the shade suggest - desolation; loneliness; sterility; grunge; detachment? Describe the characters too. Do they have any accents? Are their voices eloquent, brutal, innocent or wise? What do they look like? How does their presence make your character feel? Describe their posture, and the air about them.

[Tempest Maximum Aleta]

Ok. Thank you.

Yeah, I know. It's a very rough rough draft if that makes sense. What you said's very helpful. Especially about describing thier voices. For some reason I ALWAYS forget that. >.> haha