A Rant in the Mountains >VULGAR LANGUAGE WARNING<

[KoyiTar]

That may be one of the issues. The parent issue can be a big factor for some people.

[TheMountainScene]

Maybe when I get mad at her I'm just venting the stress naturally generated by being at her house....
But how do I not be stressful?

[KoyiTar]

That's a hard thing to place especially if your stress is caused by the parent factor. All I can say is chamomile green tea is a great stress reliever.

[TheMountainScene]

I can do tea. Tea works. Elaine does not do tea, but tea works.

[Chu]

Try not to take things so seriously. If there's one thing I've learned from my current relationship, it's that sometimes when you're at your angriest, you're really just getting bent out of shape over nothing. She doesn't seem like she means any harm by it, but I can understand how it bothers you. Try calmly telling her that it bothers you, and don't expect her to completely stop. If you simply ask her to tone it down or be careful with her teasing, she'll be much more likely to compromise with you.

It seems to me like the voice thing is a cute quirk in her eyes. For example, my boyfriend is getting a little pudgy around his belly and is very sensitive of it, but I think it's cute, so I poke fun at it and tease him. It bothers him, but we've talked about it and learned where to draw the line. I still have my fun, and he doesn't get his feelings hurt. As long as you calmly talk things through then it'll be fine. If you get emotional about it though, she won't take you seriously.


Sorry if I'm crossing the line here, but it feels like you have a lot of pent up aggression and sadness. Don't let your girlfriend be a cap for those emotions - she may get hurt in the line of fire one day. Try relieving your stress every once in a while in whatever way you see fit. I exercise and write, personally. If you do that, you won't have the problem of taking things too seriously and being too sensitive as often. It won't completely relieve the problem, but you'll end up feeling much better.

I'm not saying any of this to judge you - you and I are very similar in the aspects of how we've been treated by others and how we feel and react to things. Sometimes it's very hard to take any of this advice, but it'll pay off in the end.

[Nova]

I agree with the ones who tell you to talk to her about it.
Even if you have, do it again.

Try the "I feel"-appoach. Girls are suckers for that, and it's also a good way to get someone to see the serious in what you are trying to say.
for an example, you could say "Elaine, I know you don't mean this, but when people make fun of my voice it really hurts my feelings. I'm sensitive about it because it's one of the few things I can't control, and although some think it's cute, I'd rather not be reminded. I love you to death, but when you poke fun of my voice even after I've repeatedly told you to stop, it really hurts my feelings. It makes me feel like you don't really respect the boundary I'm trying to draw there or how much this affects me, and that makes me both hurt and frustrated at the same time. I don't want to get mad at you - I HATE being mad at you, and whenever I'm mad at you, it makes me mad at myself as well. But. When you make fun of my voice, it sometimes makes me so mad that for a brief second, I can't stand you. I don't want to feel this way, I'm trying my best not to, but sometimes when you don't stop, I do. Please stop, it really ruins my good moods when I try to tell you something and you respond with a parody of my voice. At least stop doing it in front of others, it makes me feel like a helpless child."
After the talk, next time she does it, tell her calmly a few times to stop.
If she doesn't, tell her "Elaine, please stop, I DON'T think this is funny." If she doesn't stop THEN, tell her "Elaine, I'm seriously getting mad at you now. Stop it or I will leave."
If she doesn't stop, leave with the words "I'm too mad at you to want to talk to you right now, we'll talk later "! (If she tries to call you, don't pick up the phone until you feel like you are in a calm, rational mood. Then answer it and talk about what happened. If she hasn't called you withint the first 24 hours after you left, call her and apologise for leaving. But. Make sure to tell her why you left (in a way that describes what your feelings were))

Trust me. It will be like a wake-up call for her. Some people are just like that, they need a mental slap-in-the-face.
(besides, your relationship is not going to end just because one of you gets a little mad or hurt. )
Sometimes people need to see someone get mad in order to fully comprehend what they are doing to them.
Maybe she is one of them? It's one thing to hear you say you'll get mad/hurt, but it's a whole other thing to actually see it.

[DrunkenShark]

As for me, I think you should try another approach, a very different one (at least different from what people suggests) that may sound a little off in a way... If it does, just remember I've never been good with real social relationship and shrug it off as if I said nothing

Here it goes: you should try something that is more of an emotionnal "twist". This works on young children that think it is funny to slap or hit or break things because they don't know it's not or on dogs that get too playful and start barking or becoming too agitated: you have to clearly show you are not having fun anymore. But really not having fun anymore: stop laughing, stop playing, make your face become something close to a cold mask or even leave. Kids know something is wrong when you are suddenly not amused anymore, some dogs can too and both will become kind of upset about this sudden change.

With Elaine, if she sees you seriously are not amused, she will realise she is the only one "having fun" at the moment and she will start to wonder what made you so cold or so frustrated all of a sudden. If she remembers all the time you told her you hate it when she makes fun of you, maybe she will consider it seriously after all. Because: if the guy you love suddenly stop interacting with you and turn away, you immediatly wonder what the hell you did wrong.

The possible outsomes can also tell you what she feels or intend when she teases you: if she becomes irritated and mocks you because you "sulk", it will probably mean she was trying not too consciously to vent off her stress somehow, doing it at your expand since you seem gentle of harmless so much she trusts you. In this case, that means you have to be there for her and try to find out what makes her so frustrated. If you do, you can make her understand she makes you feel just like the others (or her parents or whatever annoys her) make her feel like. You can also try to convince her to vent out in a different way and take part in this (ex: if music does it, listen to music with her, spend time with her). This way she will understand her action are hurting someone she should be caring about, she will understand that you are not "the ennemy of her happiness" but rather an ally to fight it back...

If she stops making fun of your voice right away, this might mean she realised she hurted your feeling all by herself and that she started right away to feel bad about it. In this case, don't stay cold too long or else it may be damageable for your love story: go back to her soflty or a little bitterly, you can even apologize for being so distant all of sudden, but make sure you explain to her once more you absolutely hate being mocked on your voice. Maybe you'll use the same words than all the previous times you did it before, yet if she saw you firsthand looking hurt and if she felt bad for being the cause of that, chances are it will leave a greater impression on her. Again, she might get to think: "wow I think I went too hard on that one" or "Geez, I should be more careful" or "woopsy... he is serious after all..."

Anyway: I know it seems like manipulating someone you love (I think it is ) to "train" her to react like you want... I know I am talking about deliberatly creating a taboo between you two... I know there are risks of creating more trouble already... But it can either work and be quickly forgotten, show you maybe she has as well a problem you did not know before, or put some distance between you two

Well that was it, and I'm really sorry for my bad english and my advices if them seemed too sadistic/psycho

[TheMountainScene]

@Chu: ... I never really thought of that. I am open to being judged; I asked for that. I don't have an angry bone in my body It takes severe provocation to make me angry. I am scary as all hell when that happens ... I broke my friend's scapula in malice, I've punched a hole in a television with a hammer before, and once I caused a rock slide (unintentionally, but I still did). I have to really go over the edge for that to happen though.
Sadness... I don't think I can say the same for. I can understand how it looks that way. I had a... rough childhood. I'm not asking for pity or fear from anyone, please don't think I'm writing a sob story for myself, but I was broken as a child. My kindergarten teacher (an anti-christ of a woman) retired because of me. For two years after that, I had teachers trying to explain to my parents that I was special-ed, that I needed to be moved to a lower program, and despite negative test results, that I was somehow less than everyone else I knew.
Elementary school... it never really got better from there. I was characterized as "emotionally unstable," at least that's what my shrink told me. At random points (sometimes weeks even months apart), I would drop into screaming, hallucinatory fits (rooms spinning, people throwing things at me that sort of thing :P) that my teachers called "emotional breakdowns". I missed a lot of school and spent a lot of time in the health office. My only friend through the hole experience took two AAA batteries and had a contrast control: a Game Boy Pocket. I can't even look at one anymore without reliving the whole thing. It reminds me of Kadaj and Genova from FF7 Advent Children :P.
It was like that until summer of 8th grade year when something clicked (to this day I'm not sure what), and I was somehow socially acceptable to be around. Things just... fit together after that point.
I tell her all the time that I am lucky she didn't know me before high school... we wouldn't be where we are now if she did.

I didn't know that had anything to do with anything, but I figured this is my emotional dump topic, so I might as well let everything go...
I'm sorry if that's too much information for some of you who have been reading; I'm not looking for attention, just advice and a shoulder.

Chu, if you think that has something to do with this, then please give me your feedback.

@Nova: I appreciate the feedback, but I have sat down with her and told her how I've felt before. I've stormed out at least one too many times, and it always breaks my heart to see her cry. She justifies herself with the fact that she's being playful, not malicious, but that doesn't make it hurt less...

@Shark: I can see where you're coming from, and I respect your ideas. I work at an animal hospital and I've done a bit of animal training. To use that on Elaine... I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Besides, I lock up enough emotionally as it is, I think...

[setsu]

From one broken human being to another, I totally understand. My husband is my emotional crutches, and I don't know where I'd be without him..

you need to go back and mentally examine her reactions every time you explain to her how this makes you feel. If she seems to be attentive and caring, and sorry that she is making you miserable, and yet continues to do this, perhaps she's like my husband.. It has taken me ages to get him to stop making silly comments about my hot-button defects, because he is just in the habit of doing it because I took so long to speak up and make him stop.. so perhaps you are just going to have to stick it out and continue to have sit-downs and serious chats until it finally drills into her head that hey.. I can't do that.. and she stops doing it.
However if she doesn't seem to be taking you seriously even then, or if she turns it around and makes it about her rather than about you (like her starting to cry or be upset that you are upset at her, rather than listening to why) you need to really try and step out of your comfort zone and take a different approach. Shark's emotional shut-down approach has potential, but I personally know I am not capable of maintaining a blank face around my husband, especially when he has upset me, so I usually choose to make no vocal response, and abruptly leave the room. She will inevitably follow you and ask what the hell, and you can at that point tell her that her mockery is unacceptable and whenever it happens, you will end the conversation then and there, and leave the room, to maintain control of your own emotions and prevent further damage to your feelings. It's still a hard thing to do, but I personally find it easier than maintaining that blank face, and it also means she has to physically get up and move to another physical location, which can be a powerful tool to getting her to move her THINKING to another place as well.

[TheMountainScene]

That makes a lot of sense, Setsu, but this is something that is years in the making. I don't want to sound like I'm shooting down everyone's ideas; I've tried a lot is all. I know she is genuinely concerned about my feelings. I am for her as much of a crutch as she is for me.
She's from a house built on old-fashioned rules. Her grandparents lived in that house, and their parents probably lived there. Her dad is over 11 years apart from his wife... something that disturbs me about them, and she was raised to never speak up and never let out what she wants because it is selfish and sinful. It has taken me this long to get her to completely open up to me... she still is completely indecisive about almost everything still though. She is accustomed to being dragged around and told what to do, and I think that because I want her to have more freedom then that, she is utilizing it.
I feel this may be a learning experience for the two of us...

[setsu]

Hubby and I were/are years in the making as well.. we started off as good friends over 12 years ago now, I'm only 23.
His mum is nutters. She used to beat him for no good reason, and once attacked him with a heavy plastic tea pitcher (the kind with a weighted base) because he moved the television remote. He's pretty emotionally unstable himself, and it has certainly been a learning experience for the two of us, adapting to each other, learning what the other will and will not tolerate, and pushing boundaries, often going way too far.
Any relationship is a long, learning-heavy road, if you mean for it to last. Especially if those involved are not "normal" or "average" emotionally or socially.
If she is genuinely concerned for you, and really seems to care, that's great. It means you can go somewhere with this. I'm also not suggesting that any of these solutions will be an instant fix, it WILL be something you will have to do over and over and over again, maybe for weeks, maybe months, perhaps even years, until it makes a difference. If it's not worth it to you, or it's just too far out of your comfort zone, don't do it. Far be it from me to tell you what you do and do not feel comfortable with.
It's so easy to say "you should just learn to lighten up and that she doesn't mean it" but it's so HARD when it's your hot-button issue. Mine is my weight, though I have a remarkably similar issue with my voice being beyond my control, and being made fun of for it, it doesn't bother me as much as it appears to bother you. Hubby still to this day pops off comments on how "are you sure you should be eating that?" or "That is going to go straight to your stomach/thighs" and he doesn't mean to hurt me with it, it's actually a joke between him and his aunts, so he doesn't even think about it, but even with this knowledge it still makes me instantly upset, to the point where sometimes I will refuse to eat anything more for the entire rest of the day.
I can't offer a miracle cure to make her stop.. if I had one, my own relationship with my husband would be a lot more pleasant sometimes.. if you ever figure it out, please let me know! However I can offer an understanding ear if you want to rant or something via PM, and the little bit of advice I've given thus far..

[TheMountainScene]

It's nice to know I'm not the only one floating in this boat.
Looking at it thought, I'm more of a "bend away, not snap back" kind of person. I think from what I've been told that I really should try to be less critical when she's trying to be harmless.
Besides, learning to get over the few things that make me scary angry would be really beneficial in the long run.
It's really hard, though, to just brace for something so harmless...

[setsu]

It is true, getting a thicker skin on your rage issues is always beneficial, but it is certainly never easy. I'm slowly working on doing the same thing myself, but it's been hard. Honestly I am losing the weight itself faster than I am losing my issues over it

[TheMountainScene]

I wish my weight bothered me more so I'd do something about it...
That's another thing. Some things don't bother me enough, and others bother me too much.
It is really a double-edged sword, I think.

[Chu]

Hah, the similarities keep coming. First, I'll share some of my past with you.

As a child, I was surrounded by a lot of abuse. My dad was an alcoholic, both of my parents did drugs, and life was a mess. As with most people, his personality completely changed when he was drunk. Normally, he was civil and even political. He was an intelligent man; a hard worker and someone who loved his daughter and her mother very much. But, those nights, the slightest things would set him off, and he'd beat my mother. It wasn't terribly often, but I'm sure that I was traumatized by it, because later in life I found that the memories were semi-repressed, but I'll go into that later. He never dared touch me - I was apparently too special. More often than not, the only thing that would make him stop would be for someone to call the police. As I grew older, I often wondered what those memories were, of different times when my dad would be taken from the house, in handcuffs, by police officers.

Apparently, all of this gave me a lot of daddy issues. One time, he went to Florida, and no one told me why. I was still a young child at this point. I'd often ask, "When is daddy coming home?" and my mom and aunt would always say, "Next week... Next week." I don't know how long this lasted, but I do know that I often grew desperate and went searching for him in random crowds, hoping to find him myself. Because I was so small and already so distraught, the crowd would overwhelm me and I'd break down into tears, so defenseless that I could only stare.

Years later, he came back, and my mom had a new boyfriend. She was pregnant, but this man was much worse. He's probably in prison now, who knows? He was abusive too, and in one particular memory, I recall my mom and I running from him through the house. I wasn't his kid, you see, so I was open for abuse too. I don't remember ever being touched, but I remember my mom protecting me and taking all the hits. Anyway, we ran into the back yard and my mom jumped a fence. She urged me to follow as I heard him running up to me, but I couldn't do it. Again, I was paralyzed in fear. She eventually pulled me over manually, and everything goes black after that.

Skip forward to my mom, myself and my brother living without men. We either lived alone or with my grandma, aunt and uncle, and you'd think that things would get better. I repressed so much at that point... It's amazing to realize now how much of my life I didn't know at that age. I became socially awkward, and I didn't know why. I always created destructive relationships for myself; I dealt with harassment from one individual. Any other friends were treated like shit, completely without my realizing it. I was a terrible person, completely innocent of all the harm that I was inflicting on my "friends". I guess that I was faced with so much pain that I began enjoying it. I manipulate people and lead them toward destruction with the beautiful facade that I'm their caring friend. There's nothing that I like more to do to someone than watch them completely break down, all thanks to me. It was MY power that did that; MY will. I was in control, and they were just a sniveling, pathetic person who actually BELIEVED it. Haha, and this was all subconscious, mind you. Consciously, I would blame them somehow to rationalize my treatment of them. That rationalized my ecstasy at their pain. They did wrongly, so I punished them. It was good to see them get what they deserved. Isn't that an odd thing to imagine? That complex twist of emotions that made me glad to see them suffer, yet sad to see them go?

Before I knew it, I was in middle school, with only one friend. Soon, she and I simply grew apart, but something was happening to me. Things were beginning to come back up. I couldn't stand to be around men. Filled with disgust or fear, I'd always try my best to keep away. Any class that had me seated by a boy was utter hell. On top of that, I was experiencing a rather fearful condition. I began having anxiety attacks and emotional breakdowns. The room would spin, noise would stop, and the only conceivable thing to do would be to cry. I really felt like I was going insane.

I cried often, but I didn't have any friends to make me feel better, and my family was just as distant. My mom and my aunt always yelled at me for crying, ranting that I didn't have a care in the world and that I was just being dramatic and wanted attention. I felt bad because I was causing them so much stress for being selfish. Yes, I believed them, because all of the issues with suppressed memories and the psychology behind it all hadn't fully hit me. In my mind, I was just as pathetic as they said I was. Childhood was hell, because I didn't have anyone to turn to. I hated myself, and I hated those around me. I was depressed and suicidal, even in those years when you're supposed to be innocent and happy. The only places that I was safe to cry in were closets, and while taking a walk, so I often stayed out for hours on end, just crying. I don't think I can express how terrible it was. It was worse than experiencing all that abuse, than standing alone in a crowd that was just pushing me away, than constantly losing my friends without knowing why.

When I got a boyfriend, things got a little better. Somehow, I could push all of that sadness and depression to the back of my mind. I began making friends AND keeping them, even if we almost constantly fought. However, this didn't fix me. In my Junior year, I took a psychology class, and that changed everything for me. It opened up my suppressed memories; at that point, in my mind, my mom's second boyfriend was the only one who abused her. I didn't know about my dad doing it until last year when suddenly, a silhouetted face in a memory became my dad's. My mom was on the ground, trying to cover her stomach. She was pregnant with my brother. My dad was drunkenly above her, kicking at her stomach and protective arms. Before long, I realized that these memories are why I've always been submissive to men, and why I lead such dangerous relationships. It also taught me that I'm a sadist, and it's not as fun as it sounds. That was probably what led to my anxiety too, and the fact that I was constantly scorned for having these mental and emotional issues didn’t help.

My psychology class completely changed my world. Now, I can control my sadistic nature. I can consciously choose whether or not to hurt someone, so I can keep some friends. However, I’m still too afraid to get close to them. I don’t want to cause any more pain, so the only person that I’m close with is my boyfriend. Speaking of which, he helped with my fear of men and my anxiety. He’s gentle and sweet. He never lifted a finger against me, and never yelled. No matter what I do to him, he continues to treat me gently and let me know that no matter what, he loves me. It’s only because of him that I don’t hate myself anymore, and that I’m not depressed. With him, I feel like I’m worth something. I feel like I’m more than “damaged goods” and that I can help people, knowing the pain that they go through when they’re alone. I know that crying and talking about problems isn’t just looking for attention, despite what my family says. There’s nothing worse than being truly hurt, with everyone around you yelling, blaming YOU for your problems. Yes, I have hurt others, and I’ve done terrible things. There’s no getting around that. But can you deny that my past is what made me so demonic? I don’t think so.

So, that’s part of my story. I could go into more, but there’s no point in it. You now understand where I’m coming from and why I speak the way I do. I don’t blame anyone if they resent me for what I’ve done or how I’ve treated others. I am terrible. But, I’ve spent enough time already hating myself and brooding over my defected personality. There’s nothing that I can do about my past but use it to make a better future.


Everyone has malice somewhere in them. In fact, it's the people who don't that I'm most afraid of, because you'll always get the feeling that there's something bubbling under the surface.

It's my belief that every current issue that you have is linked to past issues that were never resolved. Reading my story alone can tell you that. The best way to handle those issues it to work gradually over time with them, rather than all at once. Those issues are like icebergs - no matter how small they seem on top, they're connected to something much larger beneath the surface. Changing that or taking it away so abruptly will only cause a disturbance in your psychological and emotional well-being, which is counterproductive to what you're doing. Either see a psychiatrist if you think it's too much to handle alone, or deal with it yourself.

If you see a psychiatrist, never let him/her tell you that any of this is YOUR fault. Even if it is, that's not what you need to hear. I know it sounds like a bad thing, but sometimes when you're in the process of being healed, you need to hear some sugar-coated truths in order to heal most quickly. You can always look back at those things on your own time and think for yourself, "You know what? I did do something wrong there." But NEVER brood on it. In fact, it's always best to figure out your faults on your own. It feels more like contemplation than judgment.

If you do this on your own, don't face this problem head on. Emotional and psychological problems that run this deeply should always be addressed passively. The human psyche is very fragile, yet complicated. You must always be careful here because the slightest upset can leave you depressed for months. If you want to address this problem on your own, take one small problem at a time and accomplish something with it. Where to begin is up to you.

And no matter what, communicate with your girlfriend. No one should deal with their problems in complete solitude. Human interaction is critical, and getting a second opinion on something before you do it is just as important. Let your girlfriend know what you're going through and tell her to offer her opinion on the situation. She knows you best, after all.

And, by all means, don't feel the need to make any big changes to your personality. In fact, I don't think that you should change anything at all. In cases like yours and mine, our issues are all with our past, and there's nothing that we can do about it. Sometimes, simply coming to terms with what you've done and what you've been through can fix a problem on its own. It may take time, but one day you're going to look back and realize, "Hey, I don't do that anymore." Having anger issues, being sensitive, things like that are just part of your personality. Society seems to think that people like that need to immediately change; conform to everyone else. I don't think so. I think that causes more problems. If you know anything from your past, it's that society doesn't know shit, and likes to make assumptions. Don’t conform to that.