Ace and Chu's Place

[Chu]

I really want to chat with someone. Too much stress right now...

[Weaseldale]

Wish I'd seen this earlier. Dx

What's wrong, Chewy?

(Also, that mouse is adorable. >>)

[killerkitty]

woah where'd that mouse come from!

[Weaseldale]

It's one of the recolors that will be coming out soon, I imagine. The mouse is one of the anniversary commons that was released.

[ecco]

ecco is always here to chat wit' CHUUUUUU

(see what i did thar? *shot*)

i like de brown mouse

[Sly]

That mousey is cuuute. :3

And for what it's worth I'm usually always around to listen/chat with anyone. Despite the fact that I wasn't when this was posted....>.>;

[Chu]

I'm just stressed over my health, my family and school. Lately I've had anxiety attacks almost every day. I can't sleep, and when I do, I have insane dreams. Sometimes I feel like I'm dying when I wake up from them, so I feel like I haven't gotten any sleep at all. I'm vomiting a lot, and I'm not eating so it's pretty much just stomach acid. And going back to my anxiety... My dad is the root of it. I know this. The breakup with Sam, sure, I'm upset over, but it's the least of my concerns right now. It's my dad that I'm crying over every day; thinking about constantly; dreaming about. It doesn't even feel like Sam exists right now, strangely. All of my daddy issues are coming back worse than they have ever been, even when I was little, and experiencing anxiety attacks without knowing what they were.

Then there's my family. Financial issues everywhere. An uncle is getting evicted and he has nowhere to go. My mom, my grandma and my aunt are all depressed over the shit we've gone through in the past year. Everyone is trying their best to be there for me because they're finally realizing that this shit with my dad isn't some little girl wanting attention - that it's real. They're trying, but I'm just a burden to them. I know that they have more important things to worry about, but they insist on worrying over me and, of all things, how to get myself and my siblings Christmas presents. I want to snap out of it and provide support from them, but I don't even have the will to eat lately. The longer this goes on, the more I hate myself, and even now, I hate that I'm going on this little tangent as if I'm the only person who fucking matters anymore. I always make it about myself, and it's getting ridiculous.

Everyone's asking me about college and looking at me with disgust when I say that I want a break before going. Always with the ranting and raving about my potential and how I'll never go if I take a break. I know that they worry; I know that they think they know more than me. But honestly, I'm breaking here. For years, so many years, I tried so hard in school to become an A student for daddy. I always worked so hard for his affection and attention and love and when those As really started to matter - in high school - he just up and left. Stopped caring. Stopped loving me. Is it really my fault that I lost motivation? All my life, all I ever wanted was a little recognition and affection, and the only time I got it was when I brought home a good report card. I tried harder and harder and got better and better grades. When he started drifting away, I tried even harder, but he didn't come back. He just kept getting further and further from me. And even when he was gone, I kept trying! I figured that he'd come back and be proud of me for what I've done. But he's still not around, and now I realize, he never really was. I shouldn't have worked for him. I fucked myself over by falling for it, thinking that he loved me. He only loved me when I was his little trophy daughter; he'd show me off to his family and friends and girlfriends. As if HE raised me. As if HE did something decent. Then he'd vanish again until he needed his little confidence boost.

I just don't want to do it anymore. I was always a good girl. I always tried hard. I was always responsible and pretty and intelligent and considerate and loving. Why was it never good enough? Why couldn't he stay? I loved him so much; I still do; I'm hopeless without my daddy. Why?! I'm eighteen for God's sake. I should be over this by now. Why am I still so desperate for daddy; a man who can't even love his own daughter unconditionally?

I'm tired. I'm worn out. Everyone else spent their first twenty-or-so years fucking up and having fun. I never did that; I never had the freedom to. I made such a mistake. I wasted my good years trying to please my father, and I got nothing out of it. I don't WANT to be a good person anymore. I don't WANT to be responsible, or smart, or pretty. I want my childhood back. I want my teenage years back. But I can't have that.


EDIT: Oh yeah. I went to the doctor on Friday and it turns out that I've lost twenty pounds in the last month. I was put on two medications for my stomach and one for anxiety. I'm going to have an appointment with a gastrologist because apparently I need to get examined, and they also set me up an appointment with a psychologist to get me put on anti-depressants.

Thanks, daddy.