| How is my story so far? |
| It's awsome! |
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0% |
[ 0 ] |
| It's good. |
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100% |
[ 4 ] |
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0% |
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| It's not that bad. |
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0% |
[ 0 ] |
| Needs work. |
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[ 0 ] |
| I didn't even read it XP |
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[ 0 ] |
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| Total Votes : 4 |
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Skunkoon
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 Posted: Thu Feb 25, 2010 6:04 pm
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| Ok, this is part of a story I had to write for my LA class. I want to post it here because all the feedback I got from my class was "Wow, this is great," or "You should be a writer some day!" Not that that's bad it's just ... I just to know what other people think~
| Quote: |
Long somber shadows seem to grasp for a tiny, shivering child sitting in her small bed in the centre of a cold, unwelcoming room. Her deep, copper-brown eyes darted back and forth along the windowless, grey walls as thousands of whispers told her of horrible things. A small crack of light from the bottom of the door illuminates the underside of the girl's bed. Shadows of feet appear in the spotlight as muffled voices are heard from the other side.
"Mr. and Mrs. Smith ... daughter, Amelia ... serious disease ... Schizophrenia ... have to stay here. Strange ... violent ... hallucinations and bizarre delusions ... incurable..." he finishes somberly.
Gasping in horror, the small figured girl leapt out of bed onto the hard cement floor and ran to the door. She slammed her fists into it, sending loud echoes throughout her room and the hallways outside. Every head turned to face the room.
"NEVER!!!" she screamed at the top of her lungs as she pounded the cold metal.
In seconds a crew of men in white coats burst into the room and pined her onto the bed, attempting to inject their next patent. Squirming as much as she could, she tried to break free of their hold, but nothing worked. Tears began to well up in her eyes. Her bleach blond hair became tangled in the struggle and began to fall out in chunks from the stress.
"NOOOOOO!!!" she howled as the needle pierced her skin-
Gasping, a woman sat up in her bed, her long flowing amber hair matted into bead-headed knots. Glancing around her room, she sighed and smiled in relief. She was still in her room with the wooden frame and the thin paper walls filled with calligraphy scrolls and Bonsai trees. Still training at the Martial Arts Academy and ... still totally late for class!
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ecco
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Posted: Tue Mar 02, 2010 1:43 pm
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| well i think its very intriguing  the only thing that throws me is the sudden change from present tense to past tense, but that aside its lovely ^^
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killerkitty
Moderator
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Posted: Fri Mar 05, 2010 6:08 pm
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| It's quite very interesting! =3 I do hope you become a writer someday Another book for me to read! *yes, I am a bookworm*
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They/Them
O shucks what's up buddy |
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Skunkoon
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Posted: Fri Mar 05, 2010 9:11 pm
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| Ecco: Yah, if you read the next parts it wound make more sence ^^
Killerkitty: Oh, I've always wanted to be a writer! :3
Thank you so much guys for the support. I didn't think a 13 year old could be so awsome! *hugs self*
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I go by many names ... but you can just call me Trixy or Skoon!
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ecco
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Posted: Sat Mar 06, 2010 5:01 am
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| oh its part of the overall writing style huh? .gif) alright then ^^ sometimes things just get confusing when theyre out of context like this, i guess
i didnt realise youre only 13 :P extra good then ^^ haha <3
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