Waiting till marriage...

[Transcendence]

Alright. So we all know that when it comes down to it when to give up your virginity can be a tough decision. I know for me it is. I always planned on saving myself until I was married. The reason being mostly because my friend and I promised to each other that we would wait.

What are your thoughts on this? I mean...it can be hard at times to keep it with all the pressures in life. I am currently 19 and I am in college. Should I wait until marriage?

Additionally, do you think waiting has any sort of impact an a person's life as a whole? What I am trying to say is....is a person's life better or worse because of waiting?

Will you wait? Did you wish you had?

=-=-=

I haven been with my boyfriend for two years now. He would really like to get on with it. Its kinda difficult for me because of this pact I made with myself and my friend. I mean .... I can break this pact easily and there wouldnt be any problems...It is just I feel like if we wait the moment will be better when it happens...or maybe my boyfriend will love me more for waiting. But, at times...I am afraid that maybe he will leave me if he has to wait too long. I know it is horrible to think that because he loves me of course. But I cant help, but think these things because of my poor experience with male role models in my past.

Over all I am just really quite confused about what I should do. I mean I know that I want it to all be perfect. In a way I think it is hard for me to let go of the fact that I feel like I cant trust my boyfriend. The reason is mostly because of my past and not because of his actions. My dream would of course be for him to sweep me away on a romatic date and then to woo me with flowers and a nice sunset. Of course that probably wont ever happen.

The more time goes by the more he thinks that we wont ever do it. Its very hard on me as well because I feel like I have to preform when I dont want to. I tell him that I want to wait, but he says that he wants to get married only after he graduates from college which wont be for four or five years. *sigh* I am confused. At times I really want to give it up to him because I love him and I am in the moment, but at others....I just want to have that romantic moment where he does everything that a girl loves and then woos me that way.

I am so confused at this point. I guess I will just have to wait and see what happens. And see if a time will come when my mind is clear and I have my mind made up about what I would like to do.

Give me advice and post your own thoughts and problems here.

[kerryfox]

Hold on to it till your sure. If he dose love you then he should respect and understand you decision to wait, and perhaps if the right moment you should bring it up and ask his opinion. That would clear up so much of you though he wants feelings. And if you aren't sure then most defiantly don't give in, it isn't some thing you can take back so best be sure.

I am in my last year of college and still waiting it isn't a bad thing at all really.
No worries that I could be pregnant, nor that I have a charming STD (and when you have a needle phobia the less time you spend at the DR the better!! >>;; not to mention needing to be treated for any thing that may involve a needle....*cough well just move along cough*) Nor needing to worry about being the local slut/ all the negative attention that would warrant. Honestly if you give to ever peer pressure in college to be grownup then really it is just HS all over again.
I am happy with my choice to wait, cause the risks are more then I am willing to pay.

[Chu]

I'm 16 and I'm not afraid to admit that I'm not a virgin. I've never honestly cared about if or when I lost it, and marriage to me is nothing more than a silly paper saying that you're wed to the person that you already loved. I've been dating Raz for a little over a year, and while I would like to marry him in the future I know that anything could happen, but that didn't affect my decision at all. I'm also admittedly an extremely sexual person, and while I don't need it to be happy (I've only had it once; all other experiences were just fooling around.) it does affect my mood afterwards, of course. I've found that after doing sexual things, it helps me concentrate and puts me in a generally better mood. That's simply how it affects ME though; it is of course different for everyone else. I know the fact that I'm 16 doesn't look good, but if you look at it from a standpoint of whether teenagers are emotionally mature enough for that, we're not. However, Raz and myself are pretty ahead of our age group. We not only took the time to fall in love and understand each other, but we looked at the situation logically and asked: "Are we ready for this?" We decided that we were and here we are, stronger than ever. That doesn't mean the same for other couples though.

The way I see it: Sex is a natural thing that all humans crave. We shouldn't feel obliged to maintain supposed "purity" when we're technically impure as soon as we get those urges, as long as doing the things that you want to do aren't harmful. If we weren't meant to have sex until our 20's or 30's, then we wouldn't want it until then. Of course this is merely my opinion: I know next to nothing about religious and scientific views on it.

However, there are social constructs keeping us from what we all (mostly) want. A hypocritical and judgemental society looks down on girls that have sex before marriage but not guys, thought this is getting much better. To me, the whole concept of "no sex until marriage" is purely a religious one - hence the purity argument - and I am not a religious person. I believe that we should try to make ourselves and those we care about happy, and if sex is one of those things then there shouldn't be anything stopping them.

I'll admit I was afraid whenever I did. I didn't know if I'd perform well enough, I was illogically afraid of getting pregnant, I didn't know how it would effect our relationship (the last girl he had sex with wasn't emotionally mature enough to deal with it and that's what ended their relationship), and I didn't want to get caught and disowned by both of our families. However, after it happened, I realized that it's really not as much of a big deal as everyone makes it out to be. People say that you can never look at the person the same way again, but they're wrong. They say that afterward you feel awkward with that person, and that's wrong too. Maybe it's just me, but I didn't feel any different. The next day we acted completely the same and continued too sense, other than the fact that we're slightly less clingy in public, but I think that's a good thing.

I'm happy with my choice. My boyfriend and I aren't obsessed with it, don't publicize it, and were and always and will be safe. While I'm sure people will eventually find out and look down on me, I can only laugh. No one can fully understand the bond between yourself and your lover, so they have no idea whether you should or shouldn't have had sex. Do it whenever you feel is right, and things will work out from there.

[BubbleTrouble]

You make good points Chuwie, I never really looked at it in ways like that before. I'm going to wait till marriage though. I'm not religious, I've not even been baptised, I have faith- but even that isn't without questioning of it.

It's a stupid little girls dream I guess, but I want to be with someone I can dedicate the rest of my life to, to be the first time, maybe it's a stupid ideal and maybe I'll realise it can't happen when I get older. But if he really loves me he should wait, I guess part of me wants it as proof of that, his love. But also what's better than to give the person you'll be with the rest of your life your "purity"? Now I know this is really stupid but I think if I found the right person I would want to be "clean" for them, I might have regrets otherwise and I don't want that. I guess a lot of it comes down to the fear that I'll give it to the wrong person, some boy who will just throw me aside, I guess I have little faith in men for some reason even though all of the male role models I've had in my life have been great.

I also have the fear of him cheating on me if I make him wait for me... I also think with sex you should only do it if you're in a position where it would be OK to have a baby, that's what it's there for, and protection is great nowadays- but not perfect, you never know. Marriage for me if like proof of that love and would mean it would be OK to have a baby.

The thing with sex is it is a touchy subject. But I think if he really loves you he should wait and be faithful too.

[Chu]

A lot of people feel the same way you do. :] Of my group of friends I feel like I'm the most level-headed about the subject. All they know is "WANT. NOW." and that's what could get them into trouble, which is the only reason I believe that teenagers should wait; so that when they do, they're mature and logical enough to make a good decision.

And you do make a good point about how some guys would just drop a girl after that. Raz could leave me tomorrow for all I know, but I wouldn't regret losing my virginity to him because I know for sure that I love him, and if I did move on after that, the next guy would just have to accept me as I am because what's done is done.

Also, for some reason I never looked at sex in a romanticized way, even when I was younger. I guess that's why I've never cared about my virginity or anyone elses - to me it's just doing what we're meant to do. I understand why people would want to wait though, and I respect that. ^^; It's just not my style, I guess. I was also a Christian before, and I was even baptised on my birthday. Needless to say, I left that religion a long time ago, but even then I didn't see it as an impure or dirty thing to do. I have a feeling that with more generations, there will be more tolerance of sex between teenagers. I don't know many virgins, honestly, and those that I do know want it but just can't get it. (I feel bad for putting it that way, but it's true.)

[Raezarin]

I'm with Chu on this one.

Lets take the logical path; do you want to do it? Do you trust your boyfriend? Can you take the appropriate measures (if you're afraid of losing your virginity then take away the downsides, like possibility of pregnancy by using protection)

If you feel ready and you know you can handle it then go ahead, don't wait for 'the perfect moment'. I don't mean to be rude, but does it really matter that much? In the end you won't be having sex just because some guy showered you with roses, it'll be because you love him.

On the other hand, I have to take into account that i have an extremely logical and rather anti-romantic approach to things. So we take a look at option 2, working towards creating that moment. I don't mean going out and organizing everything as I'm guessing you want him to do it, so give him some hints; boys are not mind readers!

Hope that helps^^.

On a personal note, I'm probably Chu's opposite. I'm not very sexual, in fact dicks creep me out (not attracted to women, mind, i just think they're weird...). I have wanted to have sex with a boy but we definitely weren't ready. I, for one, couldn't decide what i wanted as i loved him but didn't feel ready for sex yet. He wanted to and didn't understand my stance (and he was kinda reckless about the whole thing). So I'll wait, not 'till marriage or the right moment, but until I feel I`m ready and I meet someone one the same level you I want to do it with.

[BubbleTrouble]

I think when it comes down to it, sex is for when you are really ready. The problem I think is that because sex can be so closely linked to emotions you can get hurt badly. What I think what I'm feeling is that you only get to be a virgin once, it is something special for me, I understand it might not be for other people but I don't want to throw it away on something that could just turn out to be a crush. I don't know, I may just be romanticising it all in my mind.

But anyway I hope this all helps a little!

I want you all to know I don't look down on anyone for having underage sex, or anything like that. It's your choice as long as you are being sensible about it and not just being a horny idiot, I'll respect whatever decision you make.

[Chu]

@Rae: Augh, I couldn't live without some type of fun. DX I know, it's stupid, but I can't help it. Raz spoiled me in that aspect.

I completely agree with you on both accounts though; they both involve whether you and your lover are ready for that type of relationship, and I think it's the most important thing.


@Bubble: I don't think you're too romantic about it. :] You're just protecting yourself from being hurt or making bad choices, and that's really important.


One thing I hate about some sexually active teenagers though is that some of them let their friends/boyfriend/girlfriend pressure them into it. :/ I don't think anyone should have sex if they're being pressured by someone else to do it; that won't make it nearly as enjoyable as if you're ready and willing.

[Raezarin]

The pressure point's a big one for me. I hate it when people simply expect me to act a certain way or do certain things. I can feel it and i end up trying to conform to their expectations, partially subconsciously and IT SUCKS. Its a horrible habit of mine which i'm working on getting rid of.

Never let anyone pressure you into doing something you don't want to. They may not even realize what they're doing, which doubles the trouble. (I rhymed! *iz shot*)

[BubbleTrouble]

Yeah, I'm scared about the whole pressure with sex, I mean if I got in a relationship would it just be expected of me to do that? Damn I wish I was a lesbian...

[Raezarin]

Somehow I doubt being a lesbian would solve anything...

[BubbleTrouble]

*sigh*

[Weaseldale]

Hi. I'm 15 years old and I'm not afraid at all to tell people that not only am I still a virgin, but I've also never had a boyfriend. Not because nobody wants to date me, but because I don't want to date right now. Unfortunately, almost every teenager I know is lost when I try to tell them this.

But anyways, I agree with Chu. You need to be mature enough to sit down, talk with your lover, and decide together that you're ready for sex. If you're not, try talking to them about why. They can't read your mind, and just refusing them doesn't help out with their insecurities either.

Should you wait till marriage? I don't think so. I think you should wait until you feel like you're ready. Whether or not that's after marriage or before depends on you. I know I won't be waiting for marriage, because if I'm getting married to you, then I already trust and love you completely. Marriage just let's the rest of the world know it.

Because clearly, just because you're married doesn't mean you'll be together forever. Marriage doesn't guarantee faithfulness, and I'd rather have someone leave me after sex than someone leave me after marriage.

I don't think it's silly to want to give your virginity away to someone special. I just don't think you have to be married for it to be special.

[Raezarin]

@ Bubble:*pats her head* its ok. You just have to find someone who understands, or failing that, MAKE them understand.

Guys have nothing to lose. ask him 'how would you like to risk having a child growing inside of you? having to go through the embarrassment and awkwardness of finding an abortion clinic, or having you entire life changed because you suddenly have to take care of a kid?' Any guy who doesn't understand where I'm coming from can beat it. (not to mention the fact that my bod's kinda messed so I'm extra paranoid)

[BubbleTrouble]