Being Dragged Down

[Chu]

A lot of times when friends come to me for advice, they complain of people dragging them down. Other friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, peers, co-workers... And I always give them the same advice: You don't need them; cut them loose. No one is worth having around if they make you feel this way.

How do you use that logic with your own family members? These are the people who raised you. The love between someone and their family is strong, undeniable and unconditional; it's nothing like the fragile love with friends or lovers. How can you cut off the people who have done so much for you?

Lately I've been feeling pangs of depression that I experienced around this time last year, and the more that I think about it, the more that I'm reminded of something that someone here on Mido told me: my home and family are poisonous to me. The people here are cynical, pessimistic and depressed, and even worse, they do nothing to get out of it. Of course, I can't blame them; after years and years of struggle it never gets better. But I don't know... I want to have hope for the future. I want to at least make an effort to come out of this.

I try socializing, writing, reading, volunteering, exercising... and although these things do make me feel better, I'm always shot down before I can fully enjoy the experience. Just entering this house is depressing. Everything that I try to do is criticized by my family. Apparently, I'm stupid for even trying. Everyone deals with these feelings, so I need to just deal with them too. I not only feel their pain through over-sensitivity, but by not having any support in trying to feel better, I become hurt too. It's like they're determined to drag me down with them.

I just don't know what to do. I have opportunities to move out and detached myself entirely from them, but to leave my mom would break her heart. Not to mention my brother's and sister's... I love them all so dearly, but I feel like I'm cheating myself by staying. It's either me or them, and my nature is to serve others at the cost of myself. I already carry so much guilt and burden with me, naturally... I don't want to add any more.

Have any of you ever struggled with this? How did you get out of it, if you ever did? I know a few family members who have stayed for these very reasons, throwing their lives away, living in loneliness and depression. The sad thing is, those are the family members that I relate to the most. I don't want that to be my future.

[Malverne]

I think I know what you're going through. My parents are divorced, and my mother is extremely bitter about it, and she's the one I live with. She's rather pessimistic and cynical, and isn't the type to encourage me to do things that aren't going to be beneficial. My dad (who admittedly is in a much more secure position financially) is the opposite: he's always telling me to go out and do what I want.

I live with my mom.

While I'm still working through my situation, I think I have some advice. If you really want to stay and have things work well, the key is communication (something I'm reluctant to do because my mom's scary as hell). You have to let them know how you feel, and you have to know how they feel in response to that. Once you all know EXACTLY what the root problem is (the lack of encouragement could just be a sign of a deeper problem) propose things that you could change in your own behavior that would help alleviate any tension. When I say you could change your own behavior, I mean that Chu changes Chu's behavior, Chu's mom changes Chu's mom's behavior, and Chu's siblings change Chu's siblings' behavior.

I hope this works well...I'd understand if you thought "that sounds stupid Mal! Any other advice from anyone else?" because I'm totally not the advice-giving type, but I thought I could offer my help because I TOTALLY know what you're going through.

[OrangeAutumn]

This.

What you have written in your post was the previous me almost one and a half year ago. You have to realize that the poison is not just your family and home but your self. That poison is the depression and the festering/lingering restlessness of wanting to do something for yourself. I was in a similar situation and if I stayed at home, I would have subjected myself to criticism and childish reasoning all because I could not let go of the family foundation I was so snugly comfortable in.

Now let me tell you that moving out would be the best thing you would ever do for yourself and your family. My sister(14) and I(20) fought every time because we just couldn't stand each other because of age difference. My mother could not stop nagging me because of poor decisions I have done on my part. The only reason keeping me from leaving was my little brother who was only 3 at the time and I could not, for the life of me, leave him.

But as soon as I got the opportunity to move out, I left. I knew it was for the best and if I wanted to be independent and not dragged down, I had to keep to it. My relationship with my family actually got better with moving out. My sister was nicer and more mellow, my mother voiced her concerns to me but had stopped nagging me. I do still feel terrible about leaving my little brother but it's not like I was leaving him in bad hands.

In all honesty, don't detach yourself from your family. I'm sure it'll all get better. You have the mind set of not wanting to waste your life on family, the only thing you need is the motivation and the push to just go.

What is keeping you from leaving besides family? Is it the familiarity? The comfortable surroundings? Selfish reasons?

[Chu]

That's sound advice, Mal. It's just so damn difficult when you have this tendency to take on other people's problems. >< But really, communication is key. I think the trick in my situation is just getting everyone comfortable enough to talk. My siblings and mom's boyfriend are pretty open to it, but my mom never talks about her feelings or problems. She's so... stubborn. Gah.


Autumn, nothing is keeping me here besides my family. Actually, in terms of myself, I'm a careless optimistic. "Let the cards fall where they may; I'm taking a chance here and if things go poorly, well, it's a learning experience." There are people who could take me in until I got stable work, or hell, I'm applying for college: I could live on campus. But my family desperately wants me to stay. I stay around because everyone in this household (other than my mom's boyfriend) has abandonment issues. I can't can't stand to hurt them that badly.

You're right though, the poison is also within myself. I just have the feeling that if I escape this household, I'll be giving myself a proper opportunity to heal. I've been trying for the past year to heal from issues with my dad, but I keep falling back into depression.

[Weaseldale]

I agree with Mal... if you really do want to stay, communication is key. It's hard to really sit down and talk about stuff like this to reach an agreement, and actually changing yourself is usually even harder.

If that doesn't work, it sounds like you already know what to do to get out of it. Moving out would be the best decision, just a very difficult one to make. You always want to take on other people's problems and be there for others, but at the same time you don't want to live in the unhappiness anymore... It might just be the way I think, but it seems to me that the only way to deal with that is to decide which is really more important.

Don't think you should continue just "letting the cards fall where they may," though, even if you do stay. That obviously hasn't worked in the past, and it doesn't look like there is much to indicate that it will change.

[neomattlac]

I can't relate as well as everyone else, but I feel like I may have a slightly different approach.
First off, don't live with a friend unless you literally grew up with them. Living with someone increases tensions to the breaking points. The more you see something, the more likely you are to notice little mistakes in it.
Second, don't live with your family. Your family may have abandonment issues, but you need to reassure them that you aren't abandoning them. Your mom will most likely attempt to guilt you into staying, using other family members as leverage; try not to let it get to you. Just say goodbye on your way out, and leave. May it clear that you'll still be around, and you'll be back to visit.
Third, don't live alone. It's expensive, it's very lonely, and it can makes you somewhat depressive. Find a roommate, or live with a family member you don't see often. If you live with the family member, remember that you are a guest and are expected to leave after some time, unless you pay rent, utilities, etc that is, at least, close to an average price.
Fourth, don't play with match, don't join a porno shoot, and take the red pills. Sometimes we feel like doing stupid things, and we all need a reminder that this is the real world and we can affect people who are close and distant from us. If I burn down a stranger's house, it will make them homeless and affect them greatly. If I'm not caught, it won't affect me much, but they are people and they are affected.

[Chu]

I'm very careful about the decisions I make in regards to others. It's only with myself that I'm loose and free, if you will.

Mmm, I've been close with the friend I mentioned since middle school, so we pretty much grew up together. She was my first "real" friend.

Haha, Neo, I'll remember that about porn and matches. You probably don't have to worry though. :P


I've been doing a lot of self-exploration, and I've talked to my mom a little bit. The guilt returned, and I'm back where I started: Simply wanting to stay here and let her know she's loved. Maybe it's just not my time to leave yet... I have other problems and concerns besides this. I can make it through this. Maybe I just need to build myself up so that I can have the strength to leave in the future.

[neomattlac]

Sometimes I want to take in people, and I know my mom and dad are pushovers for helping people, particularly family. If you didn't live in Wisconsin/California/Nevada/not Maryland, you pop over here for a few days, even for Christmas. You'll have to wash your own clothes, keep your "area" (possibly a room, possibly just a couch) clean, and let us know if you'll be home for dinner.

[OrangeAutumn]

Chu, self-exploration is what you should be doing right now and you should not feel guilty for it! Your mother has her abandonment issues and she needs to deal with them just as you need dealing with your issues. Your mother needs to understand that you will always love her BUT you need your space to grow as an adult!