ravebloodnymph
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Posted: Sun Aug 29, 2010 10:09 pm
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| (I would appreciate critique on these two poems of mine. But I would like very much if you were kind about it. I don't mind if you say it is bad but try to be nice about it. I once posted a poem that I really liked in a forum only to have someone call it "cliche, bad, and angsty.")\
Permanent Love
I love...
I love roses and raindrops
On warm summer evenings
I love snowflakes that fall
To the ground
To blanket the world
In a soft fuzzy cover
Of crystaled tears
I love...
I love first kisses and wishes
Of Ireland weddings
I love boat rides in the moonlight
On gentle soft waves
That cradle this rowboat
That's full of joy and wonder
At our love
I love...
I love parchment and ink
And the words that they make
I love books and novels
That take me on journeys
On journeys that no
Human being ought to go to
But do anyway
I love...
I love juicy nectarines and plums
With their silky, smooth skin
I love their softness, their ripeness
And their delicious warm juice
That when I bite
It runneth over
And down, down, down
Over my chin
I love...
I love dancing in pajamas
I love singing in rain
I love eating at midnight
I love not being sane!
I love talking on the phone
I love the things that you do
I love everything
But most of all
I love you.
And the next one:
The Average Person
A blind man is an optimistic one.
Because a blind man
Has never seen the world as we do.
He has not seen the black smoke
That clogs the windpipes
Of our citizens
He has not seen the blood
That has been spilt
In other countries
Over another's freedom
He has seen, however,
The beautiful visions in his mind
He may not see as we see
He may not read as we read
But he knows the world
In a different way
Than the average person
A poor man is a generous one.
Because a poor man
Will almost never be given a break
His music will never be appreciated
His change cup will never
Have more than a few dimes
He will never be given a break
Because no one can spare
Such a common person
A single thought in our world
A poor man, however,
Will give his last piece of bread to a child
He may not be draped in silk and satin
He may not roll in pearls and diamonds
But he knows the world
In a different way
Than the average person
A mute man is a vocal one.
Because a mute man
May never speak a word
Nor sing a golden note
His poetry can never be voiced
Through anything but paper and pen
He may never speak a word
Because his throat is naught
But dusty cords beneath his neck
And his thoughts naught but silence
But the one who doesn't speak
Makes the most beautiful words
He may not sing Beethoven's tune
He may not shoot the breeze
But he knows the world
In a different way
Than the average person
A wise man is a good one.
Because if we could all be blind, poor, and mute...
We would know the world
In a different way
Than the average person
I hope that everyone at least likes my poems...
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Pocket Size Ninja
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Posted: Sun Aug 29, 2010 11:14 pm
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| I like both of them.
Way better then I could ever do.
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ravebloodnymph
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Posted: Mon Aug 30, 2010 11:07 am
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| Thank you so much! And I'm sure you can write lovely poetry as well. Even a child's poem is a good one.
When I was younger, I wrote a lot of poems, lots and lots of them. They were all very silly little poems. One in particular I remember is:
Little summer bunny
Goes hop, hop, hop
Little summer bunny
Does not stop
It's terrible but at the same time, it makes me giggle and smile whenever I read it.
Even if your poem isn't the best, it is still the best thing you can make and it will always be beautiful.
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Kaitoku
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Posted: Mon Oct 11, 2010 6:10 am
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| I like the Average person. I always tell my parents that I would like a blind person as a husband because he could never pick me just for looks. Being blind can be an enjoyable thing if they let it.
The first poem was okay, it needed a rthym but it was still good. I hope you are able to improve as you go and I am sure that one day you will be able to make excellent poems.
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ravebloodnymph
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Posted: Mon Oct 11, 2010 9:20 am
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| Yea, the first poem was hard to make a rhythm because some stuff was too long and others too short, and I could have changed it but in the end I didn't want to. I liked it to much! Haha!
That's an extremely good point. I love the second poem because it is just so...true, I guess, hehe.
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Aelina
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Posted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 7:50 pm
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| I adore the Average Person. It really makes you think and see the world in a different perspective. Heck it makes you THINK period.
I have rather poor eyesight, not blind just very near sighted and I always cried when I found out it was getting worse and I was terrified of actually losing my sight but reading your poem makes me wonder if it would actually be that bad. ...Sorry if that sounded angsty, I'm listening to Evanescence. ><
The first one was a little off in rhythm but it was sweet. ^^
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Chu
Assistant Admin
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Posted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 7:54 pm
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| Anything written by you goes in The Storybook.
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| _________________ Add me on Skype! I'm ewitsChu. Even if we've never talked, just tell me your username in the friend request and I'll accept.
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Breaker-Lim
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Posted: Sun Jan 02, 2011 10:31 pm
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| I really like both of them, but I do have a little bit of critiquing to do.
For the first poem, it doesn't really flow in certain places. It's very beautiful, but maybe you could change your spacing to keep the lines a little more rythmic.
In the second poem, it almost sounds like three different poems. You finish up each of your examples very nicely, and I think it's done, and then I scroll down and there's more. I love each one individually, but maybe you could work on your transition a little bit.
Both of these poems are very expressive, and I think you should definitely pursue this, if that kind of thing tickles your fancy.
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ravebloodnymph
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Posted: Mon Jan 03, 2011 6:36 pm
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| Well, the first one sucks. :P I mean, the words are good, but like I said, the flow and rhythm of it was terrible. I couldn't figure out how to make it work, so I just left it alone.
As for the second one, I wanted it long for once. I usually prefer very short poems, but this one just stuck with me. I like longer poems, ones that I can read and feel as if I'm reading a story. I dunno, maybe it's just me?
Thank you for your critiquing!
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Berripaw
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Posted: Tue Jan 18, 2011 4:27 pm
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| I enjoyed both very much. ^.^
Although I couldn't find what the first poem was about thought I guess it was meant to be like that...
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| _________________
Chocolate melts and disappears.
While gum lasts almost forever...
It's just not as sweet.
Unicorns do Exist! Noah just didn't bother to put them on the Ark
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