A piece of my life.

[Raz]

I'm not entirely sure if this counts as a serous discussion or if it is even worth mentioning, but as i find myself unable to sleep here at 3:19 a.m. I've decided to expose what i would call a "personal" side of my life to midorea. If you know me as Chu does then you'll understand how perplexed i am at this moment to even consider mentioning it to Anyone.

It's about my father first of all, and before i go any further i feel i should tell you a little about him to aid in your understanding of my state of mind.

My Dad is the type of person who solely cares about "me, myself, and I".
It's rare to find a moment where he actually takes another person into consideration about anything. He's always preached ideals to me about how important success, education, and faith are to my existence and paths in life. I think its fair to bring up that he's an ex-preacher. After he married my mother and divorced her the two/three words (depending on your spelling) that i've heard more than any others are "God Damn it". He constantly curses God for any insignificant thing in his life, blaming him for his inability to obtain riches and happiness as easily as my grandfather (Who after making choosing some smart investments with his best friend owns the deed to not only half of Napa Valley CA's properties but is worth a few million himself).

I consider my Father not only a hypocrite, but a man of Next to no motivation, Next to no resolve, and a person of immense selfishness. He has always tried to ride the coattails of others, whether it be my mothers, or his Newly ex'd lover.

But here is the situation I'm finding myself in;
I am a current student of Atherton high school. It is by far one of the best public schools i could possibly find myself in not only the city of Louisville, but in the state of Kentucky as well. This school has not only a college prep program but many of the people i've come to know and... I guess you could say I've grown rather attached to them. However, my mother has been living in a slum type area so that i'll be considered part of that school district and lets just say she's decided to move. My father lived just in range of being allowed without any questions asked but here is where I'm finding my harmonious life threatened.

My father has taken up an old, dangerous, corrupting activity that i was proud of him for breaking... if you can even call it that. He's an addict of either cocain, crack, or meth. Crack has been deemed the most plausible due to the duration of time he goes missing being about 4 hours. He hasen't confessed to taking it back up, he's always been secretive about his life. But its pretty much a well know fact that he's doing it again amongst His ex-lover, my sister, and myself.

I know you don't want to read an entire memoir about my life and believe me i wish to never show it to anyone I haven't judged acceptable to show it to, so i'll cut to the chase.

My dad has 1 month to find a job, a new place to live, and to move in to his new location. The only place in the entire world he's convinced he'll live peacefully in is Effen BFE well outside the range of anything my sister, or Myself has come to know. Hell... i wont even be considered part of Jefferson county anymore. And to make matters worse for myself he is YET to inform me of ANYTHING that has been taking place over these last 4 months, and yes that is when all of this began!

(I'm not even suppose to know any of this!)

I suppose he thinks that I'll willingly accept any tsunami with open arms that plans on shattering what i've come to call my "harmonious world"?! This doesn't sound like a big deal to many of you cause after all "I'm just moving, it happens all the time" But you dont understand... The least he could do is tell me.

Hell, this wouldn't even be happening if he had any shred of resolve or calling to Actually do something with himself, but instead he's completely prepared to obliterate my life, again, so he can "Live an easy life away from the city"!!! And WITHOUT even telling me?!

I'm cursing him and his pathetic view of "what should be happening" or "what his life should be like"... IT enrages me! He's thought naught of anything or anyone who's being affected by this irrational decision, and yet he expects us to quietly come along and bow to his plan that he's hatched to benefit solely himself?!

I'm containing so much rage that it would frighten those who knew me and I'm finding it impossible to portray this one emotion that i know all too well to any of you.

AND here's where the discussion comes in:

Am i being selfish? Should i move in with Chu, since its been offered as the most acceptable solution to being allowed to attend my high school for my last and final year? and Why would something so expected from my father be affecting my inner self in such a drastic manner? (I've not tasted wrath this well since my younger years)

I don't know what to do. I'd love nothing more than to Scream at my father for his selfish stupidity! But i know i am far to reserved for something I've deemed as that extreme.

He's truly pathetic and i know that i am as well for allowing a logical answer to my problems escape because i am truly distraught with the emotion of the fifth Capital vice known as wrath.

I'm not the type of person to allow emotions to cloud my judgment or shadow my logic and i curse myself for having to retreat to this void for answers.

Forgive my long post, i just need to release some of my anger in order to finally return to my dreamless slumber.

[Overlord Branny]

I know exactly what you're going through Raz, my father was a drug addict when he married my mother and kept doing it till I was around 12..then he stopped and became a religious man...

Then when was 14 he started doing cocaine again and drinking and he cheated on my mother...then he snapped out of it and came begging for her to take him back and she did (Despite my warning)

Then my sister got pregnant at 16 (I was 17) and everything went down the drain again...he started taking all the money he would make and spend it on drugs...and he started cheating again...and stealing things he claimed were his (Including my college funds/saving, thanks dad, for taking my future) and yeah....my mom, sister and myself got out and moved away to live on our own without him but he hit rock bottom and again came begging for her to take him back, which she did (Because my mother is a fucking fool)...so..

I understand how hard and annoying it all is....I'm not really sure what to tell you..maybe moving in with Chu would be a good idea... But I don't know..

Atleast you don't have to deal with my problem....I have to wake up each day and look at the man that took away most of your future...now I have to struggle to get anywhere..

If you ever wanna talk, you know you can poke me for a chat..
(I hate crying) blah..

[ecco]

I don't think youre being selfish at all. I cant say I relate like Branny does, i've been lucky to have a fairly sound family life...

but logic alone tells me your father is the selfish one here, not you. you are right... the LEAST he could do would be to tell you the situation. I absolutely cannot stand being left in the dark, it infuriates me, so i can understand that feeling at least.

it sounds to me like following your father wherever he moves to would be very destructive for you. I think you'd be better off moving in with Chu, tho i would warn both of you that it can be tough. My relationship with Toby quickly hit the rocks when he was living with me, but to be fair, i imagine that you and chu are a much stronger and better match than me and toby ever were. but should you move in together, if either of you want to talk about the situation to someone whose been there, feel free to PM me

[Chu]

Sam, he's always pushing for that psychologist to talk to you, even though you have your life in order as much as a seventeen-year-old possibly can. You say that your father constantly blames God for his hardships and troubles, along with any other person in range. He's in denial, and he hones his aggressions and resentment in on anyone that is better off than he is. You're the complete opposite of your father - selfless, mature, well-kept, logical - and he secretly resents you for it. He probably sees "what could have been" from his life in you, including your relationship with me. This is why he leaves you out of the loop and is especially selfish when it comes to matters dealing with you. You say that he dotes on Shelby because she’s the oldest; his princess. He also dotes on Sara. You’ve said yourself that the women are treated better, but maybe it’s just that you’re treated worse. He tries to ignore your well being the most because the more he looks at it, the more he feels like a failure himself.

THAT is the problem. It all makes sense now, hearing you say it like this. He needs a psychologist; otherwise he's going to consistently consider everything around him below him. It may be too late though. He's a rich boy so he expected the world to be handed to him. Now that things are falling apart, it's God's fault. Now that he's seeing how well these things came to you, it's Sam's fault. Talking to a professional will gain him confidence and responsibility, hopefully.

What will Shelby be doing? I don't live in Atherton's area. I got in with good grades and an essay...

Try for a hardship transfer and move in with your mom or myself. Your mom can apply for a hardship transfer on the grounds that the two of you live in poverty and this is the best school for you. If you take IB Japanese this year, it can also be on the grounds that no other school offers IB Japanese. It’ll be a lot of work, but it will definitely get you in easily. Talk with the counselor and explain your situation, emphasizing the fact that Atherton is THE best school for you. Bring up the improvement of your grades and the fact that you came from Moore. Tell her that you were going down a terrible rode before you got to Atherton, and now you just want to stay there for a chance at getting into college. Use the pity card. I know you hate it, but it may be your only option. Make them understand that this is very important to you.


My arms are always open to you, Sam. Not because I love you, because we're dating or "soul mates". I'm here for you whenever you need me, regardless of any degree of selfishness you harbor. No, I don't think that you'd be selfish by moving in with me. Expecting everything for free would be selfish. You'll be living here for free during the school year, but during the summer, you'll be working. Hard. I don't know where my mom stands on any of this, but I can convince her of anything, you know that. She loves you too. Two possibilities facing you while living here are either living for free and moving out ASAP or living for free for the moment while racking up a pre-determined debt to my mother for your housing expenses. You have to remember that we live on welfare and sometimes go without food for a while to make sure that the bills get paid. I can begin eating less while you're living here, and we'll be eating at school anyway, but I don't know if the rest of my family will.

And I'll be completely honest with you - it would be a burden to have you around. My mom and Kenny would constantly be worried about us having sex right under their noses, despite the reassurance that I'd give. They'd have to pay for everything that you used. You'd be taking up space and resources. But... If we are your only option, then take it. I'd never regret it, even if we broke up in the worst possible way and I ended up hating you. I'd never regret it. We plan on getting married eventually, after all. If our relationship can't stand this, then we don't deserve it.

Above all, I want you to know that you have us, and you have your mother. Your father can go to hell where he belongs, but remember that you’re not alone. You faced that enough in your childhood. You’re loved, appreciated and respected now. You do realize this, don’t you?


By the way, I don't know if you can tell from your post, but I never noticed. The stress and wrath are causing your insomnia. Think about it - it only began when you started living with your dad. Think back to middle school when you stayed up all night - you held resentment toward your parents then, too. Living with your dad will only hurt you. I know that you love him but you need to sit down and talk with him about this. Try to get a shred of consideration from him. Warn him that if he moves away, you're out of his life. Ask him if he really wants that. Ask him if a fake, temporary escape from his problems is worth the relationship that he has with his son. That'll get him. Be the kind, supportive man that you've always been. On the inside, you really resent this man right now, but don't let him know that. People like this need support. They need you to explain the good and beneficial aspects of what you want them to do before making any moves. You need to get inside his mind and attack him in the most affective areas if you want him to stay here. You're smart - you can figure it out. Be a brain ninja.

[Raz]

I appreciate everyones replies to my post
I've been an insomniac for an untold amount of time and i usually need a way to release built up stress and anger. Last night i was far too physically weak to work out like i usually do and so i used mido an a way of relieving myself.

I've decided to find out where my mother will be moving before i choose who i'll be living with.

[TheMountainScene]

In my not quite so professional opinion, Raz, it seems you already know what the problem is. If I've learned anything, it's that psychologists are @#$%ed up beyond all belief, and what you need is someone that is a human being to simply be with you.
I really think that your best decision here is Chu. I would drop everything at a chance to be with someone who knows what I feel, how I feel, and what can be done to comfort that. I'm not saying I know Chu better than you do, but the fact that she's sticking her neck out for you really says something about your relationship with her.
You need to be where you are most comfortable for as long as possible. Especially for your last year of high school. After that, there's a big wide world out there that is just waiting to have it's shell cry-barred open for you to take the string of pearls that's rightfully yours.
Get the heck out of dodge, mate.
I think that's your best decision.

[Chu]

Hey, guys, I have a question.

So, by how things are looking, Raz may just have to move in with me for the school year. As you could probably imagine, I'm excited at the chance to get to spend more time with him and having some company around the house. (I get pretty lonely.)

My issue though is that everyone seems to be doubting the strength of our relationship, which is making me lose confidence. He and I are both seventeen, but rather mature for our age. You still can't deny that we both have our emotionally immature moments though, right? Do you think that our relationship can handle living together at such a young age? I know that many of you don't know how he and I are together, and explaining it will tell you nothing because I'm biased. I'd just like some opinions on it. I don't know if we should risk our healthy relationship when I'm just trying to help him.

We're still talking about living conditions, but I'm going to be pushing for him and I to share a room - I'd have the bed and he'd have the futon. My mom wants him to sleep on the couch, but that couch is ratty and he wouldn't get any sleep at night with the constant noise of the television and someone always walking through turning on lights. This is the only thing that I'm requesting though. We'd be in charge of keeping the house in order - laundry, dishes, cleaning, trash and taking care of the animals. We wouldn't be allowed to keep the door closed at night, but during the day it can be closed as long as it isn't locked. (The reason being that I want my privacy and can't stand noise.) His mom would be sending an allowance of $100 a month (not much, I know) to cover him, and any miscellaneous expenses will be covered by her as well. He'll be spending Holidays with his family so we won't be obliged to buy him gifts. Sex... Well, obviously I haven't talked to anyone about it. We're going to show them the same respect that we always have - we won't do anything with anyone at home. Sam's a little worried about it though. I know that sex can make or break relationships, but it's never been a frequent thing for us. Once a month at most.

I'm rather nervous about this because I love Sam dearly. I'd hate to lose him because our relationship wasn't prepared for us to live together. We've been dating for over two years, and we've known each other for about three. I'd like to think that we're too mature to be affected badly by this, but I don't know.

[TheMountainScene]

If I said something implying that Raz or Chu are immature, I apologize >.>
I never meant it that way if I did.
I think that your caution, Chu, is a good sign about how careful you are being about this. It is a big step, especially at the ripe old age of seventeen ;D I don't think you'll have anything to worry about though. Your going to find you need time away from each other after awhile, I think :P
It is possible to be around people too much. I've done it before. Your sex life is your business, and I really think that that wouldn't change anything especially with how mild you are about it.
I think you are both being very mature about it.
What do I know, I'm eighteen lol. Talking like an adult or some such nonesuch.

[ArchAngelAmaris]

I can relate to you...I mean my family doesn't seem nearly as dyfunctional (sorry if I offend you) as yours but I can relate. I grew up into an independent person because of it. I'm sorry that things are the way they are for you.