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Post new topic   Reply to topic I dont have a name for it :/
purple_witch



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 PostPosted: Mon Feb 27, 2012 8:12 pm Reply with quote        
This is my attempt at writing a short story: critizism is welcoming
Also can people please give me name suggestions for this short story
I was thinking about making it into a novel but not sure if its any good :/


I was running.
Running as fast as I could, my paws pounding softly; the forest was awaking from its slumber. The birds began to sing their morning song and the sun started the slow ascent from the east. The sun’s rays bounced off the water creating a dazzling dancing light, that changed colour as fast as the light moved. I could hear my heavy breaths in the morning air, a light breeze whipped the hair out of my face, the smell was fresh and green after the rain.
I didn’t stop, I didn’t dare look back. He was coming; I could hear him; panting and wheezing from the strain of trying to keep up with me. I didn’t know who he was and why he is chasing me, what did he want? I only knew that his deep, dark eyes penetrated my silver eyes. I shivered from the memory, he obviously knew I wasn’t normal but I didn’t expect him to chase me. Okay so maybe snow white fur with a greyish tinge isn’t exactly..... Camouflage but he appeared to recognise me.
I don’t know how that is possible though, I’ve never been in this form when a human is around. Just across this opening now; I don’t know how he snuck up on me, Just that I was in danger. I urged myself faster still; the breeze changed direction, his scent was everywhere it smelt............... Tempting, I shook my head Focus I told myself, now’s definitely not the time. There was other scents that came in the wind, scents I didn’t recognise; must be hunters, better be on my guard, no doubt that there are traps.
I let out a low hearty bark, ha if only people knew what was going on right under their noses! I stopped just as quickly as I started and let out an ear piercing howl etched full of pain. My hind leg was stuck in a dingo trap, an iron coppery smell drifted my way, my leg was bleeding. The more I struggled the deeper it seemed to cut. I wouldn’t be getting out of this soon; the pain became unbearable I started writhing in anguish. I could feel the metal rubbing up against my wound. This just made it worse for I was helpless, vulnerable; He was coming closer.
CRAP
I tried again to free myself only to give up letting out another long anguished howl. He was slowing down, walking now his breath evening out; my heart started to beat hard against my ribs, it hurt. He stopped at the opening’s edge, he saw me, he kept his cool but his eyes showed panic and worry? Just as quick as it appeared it had disappeared. A deep rumbling growl that even shocked me sounded in my throat; after his moment of shock he laughed and told me to stop being silly. Who was he to tell me this? I didn’t even know him..... Did I? He walked slowly to where I was; I gave a feeble attempt to move away, to keep the distance between us. He started to undo the trap; why was he helping me, I wondered?
I whimpered as he lifted my paw to take it out of the trap, I snarled at him, it was a natural defence but embarrassing still. I started to get up, ready to bolt at a moment’s notice, as fast as my legs would allow me anyway; I saw the outline of blood from where my hind leg had rested. I felt woozy, the fact that the green grass was now brown where the blood had started to dry and bright red where the blood was fresh. Blood started dripping down my leg, my body was shaking from the shock of what had happened; he smiled at me and told me to stand still. Why does he get to tell me what to do I thought, this is stupid the very fact that I’m suspicious of him but allowing him to help me; I growled at him as a warning, he didn’t take notice, just chuckled as if at some personal joke.
He tore off part of his shirt and tied it around my wound, putting pressure on it. I whimpered, it hurt really badly, the material was absorbing the blood slowly but it was itchy. Why did the material have to be so itchy? I was about to run off into the trees, to safety, home, but what he said then stopped me in my tracks I couldn’t move.
He whispered it again ‘I know your secret’ there was a slight pause. ‘I know you, you are human and part shape shifter; you can change, no, you shift into what you are now’.
I was practically having a heart attack; my heart felt like it would jump out at any moment. I started to sweat and panic. My shape began to shimmer and waver, I shuddered as pain rippled through my body. My senses were becoming duller; I could no longer smell his scent nor focus on my shape. Once my body had stopped shifting form I found that I was laying on the grass, where I had last crouched as a husky, now as a vulnerable, weak, naked girl. My vision began to get blurry as tears spilt down my face, my hearing began to fade. My lungs hurt and I felt like I was falling...... drowning, in deep endless water......... The last thing I saw was a blurred face full of concern and worry looking down at me. I sat bolt right up in bed, gasping for air, I tried to get my breathing under control. I gave a sigh of relief as I recognised my surroundings................. It was just a dream.
I am safe.
For now.
tarasalem8



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 PostPosted: Sun Jul 01, 2012 7:19 pm Reply with quote        
Okay, so I think that this beginning is absolutely amazing and can definitely make one wonder just what will happen next, as well as question who this man is and what the story behind this girl's situation is. Of course, being that I have been writing for the past ten years and study literature as a college major, it was easy for me to pick out the problems in your story.
First off, you don't nearly have enough punctuation. How do you know when the girl is thinking something? Perhaps you could italicize her thoughts to put them apart from the details. The lack of emotion or fear is painfully obvious throughout your writing. I'm not trying to be mean, and believe me when I say I hate being mean, but I want to make my point clear in this matter because punctuation can be very vital to a story's success.
Another thing that really bothered me, mostly at the beginning and end of the writing, was the switch between present tense and past tense wording. A perfect example of this would be the very last words in your story:

Quote:
I gave a sigh of relief as I recognised my surroundings................. It was just a dream.
I am safe.
For now.


If you are going for the present tense wording, it should go like this:
I give a sigh of relief as I recognize my surroundings................. It had only been a dream.
I am safe.
For now.

Now if you were trying to go for past tense wording, it should go like this:
I gave a sigh of relief as I recognized my surroundings................. I had only been dreaming.
And so I was safe.
For the time being.

I changed the wording a bit for the different examples in order to suit the given wording techniques. Personally, I think you would be better off using the present tense.
As for other small things, you might want to check over your spelling and grammar for some areas before you continue on. Other than that, you have a brilliant story forming here, and I'd urge you to continue further with the story!

Thinking on names for the story would need more ideas on the theme of your story. What is the main plot? What is the message behind the story as a whole? What was your inspiration for the original idea, or is there a common theme you work into the story constantly? I think it's better to finish the story and know what the plot is from beginning to end before thinking of the name. I finished the first book of my story and am currently editing the rough draft, but I have yet to name it because I want the name of the book to be a theme that is worked into the story constantly. The name has to be a story within itself; something that gives the reader a basic idea of the message or plot in your story. People can give you ideas for a name, but only you know just what the story is about, and only you have access to the finished idea or plot for this. I hope this helped a little~! ;D
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