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Post new topic   Reply to topic Is it wrong?
neomattlac



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 PostPosted: Fri Sep 23, 2011 4:36 pm Reply with quote        
Is it wrong to hide certain aspects of my personality from my girlfriend? Like the fact that when I get close to someone, it makes it easier for me to get angry at them, and that I can be really mean?
And is it wrong that we have been going at for about two months, have only gone out on six dates, and haven't even held hands/kissed yet?
Don't know why it bothers me so much.

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Chu
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 PostPosted: Fri Sep 23, 2011 8:16 pm Reply with quote        
Whether or not something is "wrong" to other people doesn't matter - what matters is whether or not you and your girlfriend thinks something is wrong.

Would she thinks it's wrong that you haven't shared something like that with her? Does she think it's wrong that things haven't progressed that quickly? You should bring the issues up with her and see what she thinks about them. A bunch of opinions from strangers really don't amount to anything when you haven't clearly discussed the issue at hand with the person involved, don't you think? I'd like to give my opinion, but in the end I don't think it matters that much. What you seem to be looking for is support and affirmation, but we can't do much for you there when we aren't personally involved.

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neomattlac



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 PostPosted: Fri Sep 23, 2011 9:14 pm Reply with quote        
Raaa!!!
Anyways, it's a side of me that I don't want people, especially people who like me, to know.
I think that I am somewhat intimidated by her, simply by the fact that she has accepted me in a way I'm not used to. And that intimidation is somewhat intensified by the fact that I don't intimidate easily.
And I don't know, I just kind of feel like I need people's support for large choices. I.e. you're right about the support and affirmation.
I'm just worried about pushing it too quickly for her, but I'm also afraid that she is waiting for it.

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Chu
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 PostPosted: Fri Sep 23, 2011 9:41 pm Reply with quote        
Hm... I don't understand the social intimidation thing. The more you think about this, the more time you waste, and the bigger window she has to get away. You don't want that - just ask her about the pace.

About the part of you that you don't want her to know, well, I hate to tell you, but if you want to make anything significant out of this then she will have to find out eventually. It's best to bring it up now in a positive light than later in an argument. Something like "I have this problem, but I am working on it" is best. The thing about sharing your flaws with people you love is that it's not only an admittance of imperfection, but a sign that you trust them. By admitting that you have a problem and saying that you'll work on it, that tells your partner that you're self-aware enough that you can see how your issues affect them, and that you care enough to take precautions against it. There's nothing wrong with that.

On another note, it also seems like you're at risk of somehow thinking that by hiding this trait from her, it will somehow go away, but avoidance of something only makes it grow. Anxieties and fears are only fueled by avoidance, so don't fall victim to it. The sooner you address the issue, the better.

It's normal to get angry at the people you love more easily. Everyone does it. When someone is close to you, yeah, you have that intimacy, but you also have that vulnerability and fear. And in your case, intimidation. It sounds like you're letting your personal insecurities manifest into anger when it isn't necessary. You'll be surprised at how empowering it is to admit things like this to someone. It becomes less negative because YOU had the balls to bring it up when you didn't "need" to. That's a big deal.

And the intimidation is rather natural. I've been going through a similar thing lately with "potential suitors" or whatever you want to call them, and it's so strange. When someone accepts and loves you regardless of what you think is a big issue, it becomes intimidating. Suddenly you feel like you have to live up to this standard that they have set for you. It begins feeling like they're cutting you slack for something that you have to make up for. But you don't. People are people - they have flaws - and it's only natural to accept them despite that. In a way, working toward this image that you think they have of you, well, you're already there. Whereas you see yourself at this low level, they see you for who you are. Who you really are. You don't have to work at achieving that image when it's already a part of you. Drop the insecurities and realize that she's just a rare individual who sees you for you.

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neomattlac



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 PostPosted: Mon Sep 26, 2011 9:40 am Reply with quote        
Thank you.
One thing is that I'm not entirely sure of the nature of my temper. With people I don't know very well, I keep my temper tucked away very deep. When I do get angry, I get... violent. Well, sometimes. I get angry in many different ways, but because of my laid back nature, I don't get angry often enough to differentiate the ways.
If I get violent, then I can calm myself down really quickly. I just change my mind. It sounds odd, but true, most of the time.
I can also brood/wallow in anger. Its an anger I use when I can't do anything about it. I can reflect on what's making me angry, but most of the time it's nothing and that just fuels it.
I can also go into "avoidance anger." That's similar to violent anger, but when I go away from people instead. Usually when I can't calm myself and I'm in a state where someone's apt to get hurt. This is actually the worst one of all, because if someone does come into the area I'm hiding, I could lash out at them. And my morals for hurting people emotionally and mentally are very low, because I have issues with hurting people physically. So, I could really do some damage then. Also, it tends to last longer, and pop up about 50% of the time.
I also have a state that isn't anger exactly. Where if I watch a movie or something about fighting, then I want to fight. I will tense up and want to fight someone. I've never actually fought anyone other than immediate family.
And I know the traits won't go away, but I can at least learn to control them.
And I find it really hard when someone fully accepts me. There was one person who did, and I couldn't stand it so I pushed him(yes, HIM) away. I had told him all my faults, but still he wanted me. I regret it now.

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sychobunny



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 PostPosted: Mon Sep 26, 2011 1:08 pm Reply with quote        
Chu is wise.

I can't really advise on the telling her thing, but as for the pace of the relationship: It could be that you're both trying to be considerate, or if one of you had an experience of being too close too quick, or whatever. You can talk about it, but emphasize if it is bothering you or not, frame it so that if you're fine with the pace, just curious, she knows. There aren't rules for how quickly you should move physically, just that everyone's happy with the pace.
I've had a relationship where he didn't like kissing, so even though I was in highschool and he was 20, it had the feeling of a middleschool relationship. I was fine with that because I had earlier been in a super serious (on his side, I was like "dude, I'm 16. Not ready for that love you for life crap") relationship. It may not have lasted, but was a number of months we were together. I've also had a relationship where the guy couldn't be in a relationship unless marriage was a possibility. I'm in a more normal relationship now, but I also feel like everyone is talking about us getting married (they may not be serious, but still from enough sides...) except us. I may be fine with our relationship, but I also know that if he were to propose tomorrow, I'd say no. In conclusion, I've had weird relationships and am in no condition to be giving advice. Please disregard this post. Bouncy Heart


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neomattlac



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 PostPosted: Mon Sep 26, 2011 6:59 pm Reply with quote        
Its too late to disregard it if I've already read it. XD
It seems like I'm cowardly though. I think I am being cowardly by hiding bad things, and by not talking to her about stuff. Prolonging the inevitable.

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Remind me to remind you to give me stuff
Send me your drawings of ducks.
I have a really bad memory, so if we got into a conversation or something and I just vanished, feel free to send me a pm and I'll reappear.
sychobunny



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 PostPosted: Tue Sep 27, 2011 11:08 am Reply with quote        
I'm guessing when you're with her, you don't want to ruin a good time by discussing it? But when you're away from her, it really bothers you? If you've been together long enough, you should be able to start discussing things about yourselves, but like I said there isn't a standard to follow. And if you're miserable because you're not telling her, you probably should let her know. She may even be noticing that somethings off with you, but afraid to ask, even if you think you're hiding your disease well.

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neomattlac



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 PostPosted: Sun Oct 02, 2011 9:37 pm Reply with quote        
Disease? I have no diseases, other than my hidden temper, which rises out of me like a fierce dragon, who is afraid to strike something without first analyzing it, and seeing what's stronger.
And yeah, that's part of it. I'm just having a hard time shaking off my nervousness when I'm with her. I can't fully relax. The only way I can do that is by doing some breathing exercises/meditation, but then she'll think I'm weird. And that'll help me relax, but I can be relaxed and nervous at the same time.

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Remind me to remind you to give me stuff
Send me your drawings of ducks.
I have a really bad memory, so if we got into a conversation or something and I just vanished, feel free to send me a pm and I'll reappear.
sychobunny



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 PostPosted: Tue Oct 04, 2011 9:31 am Reply with quote        
wow, I'm 90% sure I meant to type something other than disease. Oh, I think I meant dis-ease?
I fail at my native tongue.


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ecco



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 PostPosted: Tue Oct 04, 2011 6:59 pm Reply with quote        
whole page is Tl;dr (it's late, forgive me :c )

but, i did read first post, and chu's first response.

and i am basically in agreement.

the other thing is, from personal experience, i think you should ALWAYS be honest and upfront with people. ESPECIALLY someone you want to be/are already really close with.

if you know damn well you have a mean streak a mile across - it's definitely worth giving your lady fair warning. tell her how you feel about it and apologise in advance - sounds weird, but, i'd rather somebody knows upfront that i moodswing like a bitch and have a tendency to go off the wall in a second if someone pushes the wrong button. i think its more important if you're generally quite laid-back or passive, too. nobody sees that side of you coming otherwise XD but, also, if your partner knows how you react to certain things, it makes it easier for you as a couple to deal with "hiccups", you know? my boyfriend always thinks i'm sulking when we argue, because i often go silent and walk away and come back a while later (unless he comes to find me first) - but i explained to him it's not like a kid sulking til they get what they want... it's just how i deal with confrontation. we're both ridiculously stubborn, and i can't deal with shouting but we're both hot-headed at times, so naturally it gets too much for me sometimes - because for me, it's either i walk away and calm down, or i start saying/doing stupid shit that i know is going to make things worse in the long run. not worth it. but honestly at first he thought i was storming off in a hissy fit til i explained to him i just need to cool off in a situation like that XD give your girlfriend the heads up over something like that, and they can understand better. it saves a lot of stress, if you ask me.

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neomattlac



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 PostPosted: Thu Oct 06, 2011 12:15 pm Reply with quote        
Ah. Makes sense. I do that with my family sometimes. If I stay, we end up really yelling at each other and it might advance from there, so I just leave the room. But I can hold onto that anger for a while. XP
And I know I need to talk to her. Our schedules keeping getting further and further apart.

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Remind me to remind you to give me stuff
Send me your drawings of ducks.
I have a really bad memory, so if we got into a conversation or something and I just vanished, feel free to send me a pm and I'll reappear.
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