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Post new topic   Reply to topic Malf's Story (~As of yet Untitled~)
Malfise



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 PostPosted: Mon Sep 12, 2011 1:57 pm Reply with quote        
So, someone wanted to read my story, so here I am. I'm posting it on Tumblr, though, since I don't want to deal with all the coding for italics and such. But we can discuss it here, if you want to :3


Be warned that it could be rated somewhere between T and M . . . so like a T+, for language and violence. There isn't a lot of smut in it, so don't be worried about that.


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Malfise



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 PostPosted: Mon Sep 12, 2011 1:58 pm Reply with quote        
~Table of Contents~

~ Read Me / Intro Post ~

~ Chapter One ~


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Malfise



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 PostPosted: Mon Sep 12, 2011 2:00 pm Reply with quote        
And I'd like to reserve this post, because you just never know.

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Dr. Tick Tock



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 PostPosted: Mon Sep 12, 2011 9:37 pm Reply with quote        
I will procrastinate homework and critique your story for you~

Be forewarned, I'm very professional about critiquing, and everything I say is for your own benefit, even if it sounds harsh. There is never anything personal in my reviews.



Writing Techniques::

Right off the bat, the whole first paragraph is just a giant infodump. This is the start of your book- the very first thing your reader will think about you, the characters, and the story itself. You need to have something that catches their eye, and as awesome as you think your characters are, they aren't a good enough hook.

I don't care that Lorena doesn't have a job, I know nothing about her and thus I can't sympathize. Not only that, but you don't give me time to sympathize before going into description of her friends and family.
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You continue to infodump with pretty obvious, "I'm going to tell you what everyone looks like now." This works for some readers, but for me personally, it turns me off. I like either a very inconspicuous description (tiny hints given throughout the entire chapter- not the first five paragraphs) or simply a full on description that you aren't obviously trying to sync in with the story.

Also it works better if you concentrate on simply describing the main character, and then work on secondaries in later chapters. Also, if there is anything unusual about the characters appearance, that should be described first, as in real life it would most likely be the first thing to catch someone's eye. A different hair color(s), strange colored eyes, visible tattoos, strange sense of style, etc.

It sounds a lot more seamless to say, "running his scarred fingers through Kennit’s short black hair" (a perfect example, really) instead of, "running his lightly tanned fingers through Kennit's short black hair." Why do we care that his skin is lightly tanned? We don't, really. We do, however, care that they are scarred, as this makes the reader question and think. Why are his fingers scarred? What exactly happened? How does this reflect on Braskil as a character? --He's experienced, been through a lot of (possibly traumatizing) events, he knows how to make things or fight or something that scars him, etc.
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And more infodumping! This is the first chapter, I want to be intrigued, but I have yet to come across any reason to continue reading this story. It hasn't given me any reason to believe its unique, it hasn't given any good plot points to pique my interest, and the majority of it is just this girl complaining about her life. "God, what she wouldn’t do for a little variety!" We'd like some, too, Lorena, it's okay Neutral

Truthfully, it would be a lot better if this:

Quote:
Of course, Lorena didn’t know it was the last night of her boring, less than satisfactory life. As far as she was concerned, the sun would rise the following morning just like any other summer Friday on the west coast of ___. Standing there in her mundane little house, surrounded by friends and family, she couldn’t possibly have known that disaster was sailing closer and closer, riding the waves just as swiftly as a bird on the wing. She had no idea that the sun would not rise, that its welcoming beams would be blocked out by the fog of war. She didn’t suspect that it was the last time she would see her mother’s smiling face, the last time she would hear her father’s sardonic laughter. She had no idea that her world was about to change forever, that she would soon be sent sprinting down an unalterable path, thrust into a world of mystery and deceit that would either make or break her.

was incorporated as the first paragraph of the story, and then you proceed into the scene of the party. This way we aren't aimlessly reading about this girl's life, we're reading and anticipating something to happen.

Of course, the following scene, in which you try to break the dramatic, beautiful tension brought on by the last sentence, is more awkward than funny. A.G. doesn't sound like a very realistic person at all, and exactly why he is associated with these people is still a bit lost on me.

Also, trying to put such a light scene after a heavy one is bad planning. I'm in the mood for war and grim and devastation now. Not some idiot wearing a thong. It pissed me off more than anything, though that might have been the point, I'm not sure. Which comes to another point, you never want your reader to be confused as to what they're supposed to feel. I know I'm supposed to hate A.G., but about this actual scene, it just makes me uncomfortable more than anything. It's even more discomforting that this is sort of haphazardly thrown into the first chapter.

I had other sections but I'm going to skip right over those and just go to my overall thoughts, as it really will be the most helpful to you.

Overall Thoughts::

It has potential. You need to work on planning what you write before actually writing it. I don't mean plan every scene and event and quote and instance, but at least having a general idea of what you want to achieve in a chapter is good.

Also. There are rules to writing. Above everything else, above all other things you are working on and thinking about while you are writing, //keep these in mind//.

1. If it's not important, then leave it out. Everything that you describe must either be 1) relevant to the plot, 2) important to move the plot forward, or 3) used to set a scene or character. The whole scene with A.G. and his thong/robe? Irrelevant. The whole backstory/description of Lorena's life at the beginning? Irrelevant (*See comment below*). Lorena and her mother's reaction to A.G. during the midst of a usually-adrenaline-pumping-event? Irrelevant. The party and/or drunken state of the characters? Irrelevant. And so on.

2. Setting before characters. While its important to know a character, the reader has absolutely no ability to relate to them if they don't know the rest of the world. I was under the impression that this was modern America or an equivalent of it, but apparently there is a queen of some sort, of which nothing is known. So... what? Are we in some fantasy world of yours- in which case we need loads more setting description, or are we in England or some other royal-family-toting-country, or something else entirely? What year is this? What exactly are they on- an island, a continent...? Etc.

3. Show, don't tell. You seem to have this down okay, but I'm mentioning it because... while most other people say this is the #1 rule for writers, I disagree. It's perfectly acceptable to "tell" things sometimes-- in fact it gets annoying when the author tries to insinuate every tiny little thing when it would make so much more sense to just outright tell the reader. At the same time, this is still an important rule. You need to find a happy medium. As I mentioned before, the weird characteristics stand out, and those can be described more obviously- they can be "told." Other things, such as hair, eye, skin color, etc, can be left out of description until it can be inconspicuously worked into the scene.
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*The whole backstory/description of Lorena's life at the beginning? Irrelevant. --At least in the format that it is in. You probably want the reader to know what Lorena's life is like so that they will sympathize when its blown to pieces, but unfortunately you go about it the wrong way. Give a few hints of her life, of what she does... in fact, the conversation she has with her father is perfect for letting us know that she works for him as a mechanic, there is no need to say so at the beginning.

In my opinion? It will be a lot stronger if, along the way in the story, you have flashbacks of what her life and (now dead) parents and friends were like. That way as the story goes on we will not only learn more about Lorena's personality, but about her past as well, and by the end of the book we will be fully capable of relating to her and feeling the same pain she does.
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But to end on a good note, this line "The peaceful hamlet of Merchant’s Run had suddenly become the beginning of a long and bloody war." is fantastic and an amazing way to wrap the chapter up and proceed into the next. You are a very good writer, in the sense that you know how to make things sound pretty. But as a story-teller, you need a bit more practice.

I really apologize if this sounds a little scattered. I am so braindead it isn't even funny. If you'd like, I can re-write this on the weekend or at some time when I've had more sleep and can probably be more detailed/comprehensible/nice.

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Malfise



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 PostPosted: Tue Sep 13, 2011 12:19 am Reply with quote        
Oh, hot damn and Jesus Christ! Thank you so much! And don't worry about being mean or hurting my feelings or anything--as long as you have a reason for it, I'm cool with it.

I really appreciate such a long and detailed critique. And it's funny, since you're telling me somethings that I tried starting out with, but people/rules told me to change. Talk about going with instincts.

Again, thanks so much! Now I know what I'm doing tomorrow XD




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