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Mingxia



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 PostPosted: Thu Sep 08, 2011 4:23 pm Reply with quote        
Is this the right forum? XD
Probably not, although if it is- yeah!
Wow, I feel rather stupid.

Anywho...
Hello, I'm Xia!
At the moment I am attempting (yes, attempting) to write a story.
I would love a rate out of 10 and critiques :D

So, here is the beginning of my story (I haven't done much, haha):




A stream of light shone eerily through the window, piercing down blissfully as if sent from the heavens above. It was the only noticeable light source in the room, and also the only thing unadulterated inside the chamber. Something else in this besmirched room had once been proper. It had once been apt and angelic.

Had once been… this meaning it was no longer so.
*



Uh, that's it for the moment D:
Rate? c:
[/center]

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I like unicorns... and rainbows, and glasses, and sunshine... and lollipops, and purple, and Dumbledore... and blue, and carpets, and writing... and socks, and milo, and bracelets, and blankets... and orange, and oranges, and orange elephants... and towels. Did I mention that I like unicorns?
Malfise



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 PostPosted: Thu Sep 08, 2011 10:04 pm Reply with quote        
Oooh, nice! Little hook at the end! Ten from me! Though I'm not really good at giving things a number rate.

The one thing that bugged me is the word choice in the first sentence. You used words like "eerily" and "piercing", but also "blissfully", which in my opinion doesn't really fit in that category. Sort of threw it off. I think I know what you were going for, but it sort of threw me for a sec.

...and upon a second read, it does read well. Just the first time threw me. (god, I'm repetitive tonight.) I really like the ominous feel to it all, and I would definitely keep reading if you posted more Smile


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Mingxia



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 PostPosted: Thu Sep 08, 2011 10:08 pm Reply with quote        
Bouncy Heart
Hehe, thankayou c:
Although, I do get where you were going with the use of words :3

You'd like to read more?
Uh... I write pretty slowly.
Okay, I mean, I basically write a sentence in two days because I'm a perfectionist XD

Once again, thank you so much for your rate


_________________
I like unicorns... and rainbows, and glasses, and sunshine... and lollipops, and purple, and Dumbledore... and blue, and carpets, and writing... and socks, and milo, and bracelets, and blankets... and orange, and oranges, and orange elephants... and towels. Did I mention that I like unicorns?
Malfise



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 PostPosted: Thu Sep 08, 2011 10:15 pm Reply with quote        
I binge write...
I'll write a chapter or a half in one go, then not touch the thing for a week...

Right now my story's only got one chapter and half a sentence of chapter 2 XD

But...yeah. If you write anymore, post it Smile


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Mingxia



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 PostPosted: Thu Sep 08, 2011 10:19 pm Reply with quote        
I shall, aha, but it'll probably be roughly the same size of this. XD
I may even scrap this and start something else entirely.

I wrote something ages ago that's really long, or at least compared to most of my writing xP
If you want to read that, just mail me c:
I don't think that I'll post it because I didn't like it much.
/Shrugs

Can I pwetty pwease read your story; I promise I wont be mean or anything!


PLLLEAASSEEE? :3


_________________
I like unicorns... and rainbows, and glasses, and sunshine... and lollipops, and purple, and Dumbledore... and blue, and carpets, and writing... and socks, and milo, and bracelets, and blankets... and orange, and oranges, and orange elephants... and towels. Did I mention that I like unicorns?
Malfise



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 PostPosted: Thu Sep 08, 2011 10:25 pm Reply with quote        
-wiggles-
I surpose so ... I did have it posted here just yesterday, but upon rereading it, I realized it may not be appropriate...there's quite a bit of swearing, and as time goes on, there's going to be blood and gore and...yeah...

So...maybe I could PM it to you....
(I'm not sure how strict the "keep it PG-13" rule is on this site)


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Mingxia



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 PostPosted: Thu Sep 08, 2011 10:29 pm Reply with quote        
Hmm, I'm not sure either.
I wouldn't know being new c:
/I'm such an experienced player, no? :3

Anywho, you could try to kind of 'conceal' the worse parts. Basically not going into too much detail, just to keep it PG13 XD


\_☺_/

_________________
I like unicorns... and rainbows, and glasses, and sunshine... and lollipops, and purple, and Dumbledore... and blue, and carpets, and writing... and socks, and milo, and bracelets, and blankets... and orange, and oranges, and orange elephants... and towels. Did I mention that I like unicorns?
Malfise



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 PostPosted: Thu Sep 08, 2011 10:44 pm Reply with quote        
I could do that...for the first chapter, anyway, since it's mostly just swearing....

Actually, when I reread it, I'm sort of surprised by all the swearing. I must have been in an angsty mood while writing it or something. I'll probably take most of it out anyway....though the f-bombs have to stay for emphasis...


Either way, I'm too tired to edit it tonight...maybe I'll do it in the morning and post it tomorrow....


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Mingxia



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 PostPosted: Thu Sep 08, 2011 10:47 pm Reply with quote        
XD
Hahah, okay c:
Wait, so where you are, what time is it again? :3


_________________
I like unicorns... and rainbows, and glasses, and sunshine... and lollipops, and purple, and Dumbledore... and blue, and carpets, and writing... and socks, and milo, and bracelets, and blankets... and orange, and oranges, and orange elephants... and towels. Did I mention that I like unicorns?
Malfise



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 PostPosted: Thu Sep 08, 2011 11:20 pm Reply with quote        
I'm in Oregon, USA, and it's 9:17 here.

And I haven't had dinner yet, and I'm hungreh.


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Mingxia



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 PostPosted: Thu Sep 08, 2011 11:29 pm Reply with quote        
One time I had dinner at 3- in the morning XD
PIZZA TASTES BETTER THEN. c:
Hehe.

GO HAVE DINNER; I command you :D


_________________
I like unicorns... and rainbows, and glasses, and sunshine... and lollipops, and purple, and Dumbledore... and blue, and carpets, and writing... and socks, and milo, and bracelets, and blankets... and orange, and oranges, and orange elephants... and towels. Did I mention that I like unicorns?
Malfise



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 PostPosted: Mon Sep 12, 2011 3:18 pm Reply with quote        
http://midorea.com/viewtopic.php?t=8726

Rawr. I posted ma' storreh, if you want to read it. That's the discussion thread. The story itself is on tumblr, since I didn't want to deal with coding all the italics and things.


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