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Post new topic   Reply to topic Dealing with Gender
Sailor_Gunner_Cat



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 PostPosted: Sat Oct 16, 2010 12:36 am Reply with quote        
It's something I've been having problems with for two years now. The aspect of Transgender individuals. Okay before I get jumped on for being judgmental of other people hear me out.

Previously I had never thought I had a problem with it, I'm a huge fan of the Rocky Horror Picture show and loved Drag shows and freedom and fun that went with it, but then it hit a little closer to home for me.

My boyfriend at the time and I had been dating seriously for almost four years. We where working on planning our lives out together. Now I'm a tomboy, and I have control issues left over from my parents, who have always taught me to speak my mind and do what I need to do to get ahead, so I tended to be the more masculine one in the relationship to begin with. Which always bothered me. But one night before I leave on a band trip out of state, he tells me he needs to talk about something. He didn't want to tell me but he felt he needed to for us to develop a stronger more open relationship. He comes out and tells me that he is transgender. At first I thought I was okay with it, because it doesn't change who he is. I agree to help him explore it more, and at his request let him borrow some of my things. When I let him, I start to break down. I couldn't stand seeing him like that and the emotions kept building from there. Being away for two weeks didn't help either, my trip was ruined and my night where spent on the phone with him crying (both of us). The relationship continued to go down from there because I didn't think I could easily live my life with someone who wanted to switch between genders when they felt it was needed.

I've had a terrible time coping with this, and since then I try to avoid it all together. I find myself being more judgmental now because of it, just because it makes me think of him.

Since then, I've broken up with him because I never felt the same in the relationship and after he realized how much it bothered me, he planned on taking it all back and decided to have his life structured around making me happy. Which just made it worse for me because I knew he wasn't being true to himself.

I don't know how to move on from here, because he hasn't told anyone else, and he is determined to win me back.
I don't know how to react around others in that community now, I practically had a breakdown watching Ed Wood last year because it makes me think of what happened. I just don't know how to move on and get over it.

BiscuitQueen



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 PostPosted: Sat Oct 16, 2010 12:49 am Reply with quote        
You fell in love with your "boy"friend, not who he was "before", you fell in love with the him you know. Smile Love him for him, not who he was. You never knew the past him, so don't dwell on it, he isn't. He loves you for you, the girl he knows, not who you were before.

This is one of the bigger obstacles in your relationship with him which both of you have to work through together! Don't let him go because of this little thing, you've been with him for FOUR years! What about all the good memories? Also he wants to win you back, that has to be a sign that he loves you!

Go back to him, work it out together, talk to him. Smile Try to look past his past.
Sailor_Gunner_Cat



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 PostPosted: Sat Oct 16, 2010 1:00 am Reply with quote        
I don't know if it's something I can overlook and just go back to him. I want him to be comfortable with everything about himself even his female side, and that's something I can't handle. I need stability and he can't provide that, I can't always be the rock. I don't know if the relationship would be good if he's just suppressing an entire other side just to be with me, I still have feelings for him I just don't think it's the right feelings at this point

We have tried talking about us, and other problems come up when we walk around that issue. He is want to be a stay at home parent, and follow me around doing odd jobs to support me. I want to get my PhD and teach at my states school and to do that I have to go out of state and get my other degrees. He wants to drop everything and follow me. I'm not okay with that. I don't think you should lose yourself in the person your with. He shouldn't quit school just to follow me, it's not practical and it's not how it should work. You shouldn't give up everything for the other person. It doesn't seem right. You would start resenting them for the things you gave up at some point.
TGPretender



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 PostPosted: Sun Nov 14, 2010 1:37 pm Reply with quote        
As a transgendered individual myself, let me tell you something very important: It is okay to not be okay about this. Your feelings aren't going to go away just because someone tells you to make it happen. You don't have to feel guilty about something being outside your comfort zone nor do you have to feel guilty about not being as open minded as you thought you were.

This is a huge shock. A lot of people can't deal with it at all. The fact that you tried to at all is admirable and you need to understand that.

My advice to you is to really think about what you want from a relationship. If this transgendered boyfriend cannot give that to you, for whatever reason, you don't have to feel guilty about that. It is not your fault, nor is it his. There's no reason you can't be friends, even if something deeper than that is not possible now.

Of course, it would be great if everyone could accept everything about everyone else, but the fact of the matter is that's not how things are. Open mindedness is all find and dandy, but there is nothing wrong with something being too much for you.
Breaker-Lim



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 PostPosted: Mon Jan 03, 2011 2:55 pm Reply with quote        
To be perfectly frank, gender is rediculously complicated, and if your relationship isn't working out, it isn't working out. I find it very admirable that you're trying to understand, which is a lot more than most people do. I'm transgendered myself, and I've met people who are both very sympathetic and people who are convinced I'm some kind of liar for being true to myself. Just be happy that your ex is being true to who he is, and try to find something that makes you happy. It's okay if you're not looking for someone who is trandgendered, or if it bothers you to be in a relationship with someone who has a female side. Just don't let the fact that you're uncomfortable stop you from pursuing relationships with others who might not be exactly what you're looking for.

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Imaginative Sarah



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 PostPosted: Thu Apr 21, 2011 3:16 pm Reply with quote        
hm, not sure what to say about this because I don't know why anyone would wanna transform into a boy or a girl of something they arn't..especially why someone wants to be a girl i don't understand,you have to have a period to be a girl. >.<; course, I think it is wrong that someone wouldn't tell you such a thing before they asked you out...
Lilywhite Lilith



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 PostPosted: Sat May 28, 2011 10:55 am Reply with quote        
One reason someone wouldn't say is because they don't know themselves. It's been four years since I put a finder on what I was feeling about my gender, and I'm still so confused about what to do and what it all means. It's not an easy decision or process for anyone.
ecco



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 PostPosted: Sat May 28, 2011 2:13 pm Reply with quote        
I wholeheartedly agree, Lilith.

It's similar to defining "sexuality", really. If asked I'll say I'm straight just because it makes things simpler; I've only ever fallen for, slept with, and dated men. However, I can also be described as "heteroflexible" - in that, while straight, I also enjoy the female form. But while right now I'm pretty convinced I'd never have feelings for a woman, I don't doubt that it's a possibility. Sexuality is fluid. You can't help who you fall in love with, and all that jazz. *shrug*

As far as I'm concerned, gender is another such issue that it's easier to simplify, but helpful to have a more in-depth appreciation and understanding of. My mum insists she is a gay man in a woman's body. I know plenty of guys who cross-dress on occassion for fun, and one or two more who wear female style clothing regularly just because they want to - no shame in that, in my opinion. For me, I sometimes resent being female but that's largely due to the physical side of things. But it's never gotten as far as wanting to actually become male - though if a temporary gender swap were somehow possible, you can bet i'd try it!

I get along better with men, but theres a certain sense of sisterhood you get when you find another female who you really bond with (a rare thing, in my experience) and although like I said, I can simply be called straight, tho I've never slept with a woman, i've kissed more of them than I have men - and not to get guy's attention, either. Just because I like to.


Hooray for gender and sexuality being super confusing and fun! XD

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KathiraNarae



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 PostPosted: Sun Sep 22, 2013 4:12 pm Reply with quote        
Sailor_Gunner_Cat, that's...quite a story, actually. The way I see it, you have a reason to be judgemental about transgender, unlike most. The way I see it, if the two of you stay together, it's going to end in nothing but unhappiness. You're uncomfortable with having a transgender for a partner (understandable), and he'd be uncomfortable forcing himself to be someone he's not. The way you two are only after your beloved being happy is truly admirable, and I'm pleased with this.

That said, the best thing for you to do now is make sure he doesn't try to take you back. Staying together would be the worse option, and you really should break up mutually and both move on. His not moving on is likely stopping you from doing so as well. You didn't know you'd be uncomfortable with his transgender, so I don't see any nastiness on either side.

When he gets the message and also stays away from you (as you stay away from him), it'll give you both closure, you'll both find someone new, and you'll be able to see other transgender as they are without being reminded of him.
superbinka



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 PostPosted: Mon Sep 23, 2013 4:58 am Reply with quote        
Your shot at getting over your reservations is admirable, many people wouldn't have got that far. Continue trying to be understanding, but talk to her. Tell her how you feel, and remind her that she doesn't have to be who you want her to be. Let her be herself, and accept her for who she is if you can. If you can't, let her go. She isn't the boy you fell in love with, and if you're nice about it, I'm sure you can stay friends. Accepting other people for someone other than how you originally labelled them can be hard, and its understandable if you can't override your first impressions. Talk about your feelings!!
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