Is It OK For Friends To Pick Apart Your Life?

[BloodletLove]

My answer: No, but it's happening to me, or at least it was.

I sit at lunch with a few of my "close friends", if I can call them that anymore. I used to sit with closer friends, but then things happened and I moved to the other end of the table, away from them. So, a few weeks ago, we're sitting there and going at each other for about the thousandth time. We're doing it civilly, though, and taking turns stating what's wrong about everyone else. (Just the four of us, though.) So, when it's everyone else's turn to bash me, they all go for the same thing: My fashion sense (nonexistent), my clothes (should be burned), my hair (should get cut; the only "advice" of theirs I took), my shyness (should be abolished), my isolation (would be solved by fixing everything else mentioned here), the way I walk in the halls (I should lift my head instead of watching where I'm putting my feet so I don't fall flat on my face), and my backpack (which I got rid of because I wanted to live another day, thank you). They basically tore me into tiny pieces and told me that I had to become the ultimate Aberzombie just to fit in. Well, what if I don't want to fit in? What if I'd rather be "isolated" because most of the people in this town are horrible?

I don't think it's OK for friends to do this. I don't think they're real friends! But still I sit with them, still I talk to them, because I've got no one else to talk to.

Your answer: Post it!

Your experiences in the matter: Post it!

Discuss!

[Transcendence]

aw sorry hun. I know at times friends can be totally brutal. Sometimes there is a very fine line between helping your friends and destroying their self esteem. Obviously these people are not worth your time. Friends should love you for who you are. There is a time when it is ok for friends to butt into your life, but they should do it with helping you in mind, they shouldnt do it to change who you are.

For you I might think of finding someone else that will like you no matter what, people that will laugh with you not at you. A friend is someone that you would call up and they would help you dispose of a dead body without question. OK so not THAT drastic, but you get my point. I wish you luck finding a good friend. I know its hard at times.

[Lilykin]

The only reason friends should want to change you is because you are hurting yourself or hurting others. If you're happy the way you look then tell them so. If they can't accept that then they aren't worth the trouble.

But this taking turns of dissecting each other doesn't sound like a good idea in the first place. If you feel like they are tearing you apart then the others may be feeling the same thing. Friends can be the harshest critics you have right after your parents and yourself.
I suggest switching topics next time this comes up or telling them it bothers you.

As for my own experience I had a good buddy around 8th grade that I hung out with all the time. She was a lot more fashion conscious than I was and constantly tried me to get to wear what was "hip". It wasn't mean spirited or anything like "you shouldn't wear that". Just the "oh you would look so cute in this!" sort of thing. So it didn't bother me at all.
Well, freshman year rolled around and she really wanted to be in the "it" crowd. Which I was most definitely not welcome in.
Being the type of person that is just friends with anyone that wanted to be friends was apparently not cool. Nor the causal way I dressed.
After a few attempts to get me to change she stopped calling me.
She stopped talking to me at school.
She ignored me when I would greet her.
It still baffles me to this day that being in a group was more important to her than a good friendship.
But I have made a lot of other good friends by just being myself.

I'm pretty sure a few them would help me bury a body.

[monbohn]

Transcendence and lily_dragon basically put it pretty well. There's such a thing as constructive criticism and being down right mean. And there's no need to be down right mean. If you're happy with the way you dress and how you look then that's all that matters. People who can't accept that aren't real friends.
I'm very shy and used to walk looking down because I'm insecure and so many people in school think they're above everyone else, which makes it hard to want to look at them anyway. I agree it's better to walk with your head held high and shoulders back and all that, but for some of us it's just not that easy. And if you continue to hang out with people who only make you feel worse then it'll be even harder. Don't let other people convince you that you aren't good enough. They aren't good enough for you. You should really try to find some new friends, although I know that's very hard when you're shy. Keep your eyes open though for new people to meet.
And believe me, when you're out of school that stuff isn't nearly as important anymore.
Good luck sweetie, and hang in there. Hopefully things will get better realy soon!

[Fallain]

Your right, I don't consider people like that friends and you made a smart choice to step away from them in my opinion.
They seem to be too shallow to see out of the gene-pool of appearances that school seems to be now. Looks aren't everything, if you want to have long hair and wear comforble clothes, do it. No one can tell you what to do, and if they try, well screw them.
No one else can think for you, or make you take action. You are your own person and I think it's great that you want to be seen that way instead of as another "Aberzombie".
I can honestly reassure you though, this stuff only applies in school. Once you get out, get a full time job and start living on your own, no one cares enough to dress up every day or goes out of their way to tell someone else how to look. It's too tiring actually having a life to try and live others for them too, ya know? As selfish as it sounds, just focus on yourself.

[x_lilmissNINJA_x]

My advice is this,

I live in one of those kind of, Aberzombie, it too frigging small and EVERYONE IS THE SAME, kind of places.

A Lot of people here have money, they have "style" (whatever the hell that is), and they have the same ideas. About...EVERYTHING. There is a small minority of people in this city that know what it's like to live in a place where shit doesn't go down like that. I, fortunately enough, am one of those people.

Everyone seems like clones, and by being myself, even if it isolates me, it makes me feel stronger. Like I can stand up to the zombies and kill them with my crowbar of awesome.
Just because you dress in what makes you comfortable, and not whats "cool", doesn't mean people should pick you apart like crows and tell you to change.
If your shy, maybe it's because people constantly lower your self esteem by ripping apart who you are.

I would say this, don't take their advice. Don't ALLOW them to crtizise you. It will noly make you feel worse.
And most of all,
the only person that should ever try to change you,
is you.

[kaishi]

I have a friend who, in previous years, has been well, abusive to me. I got fed up and did, in fact, pick her apart... numerous times. And eventually we ended up not talking for a few months (because of something she did and said). However, she realized what she was doing and has become a much better PERSON.

This is the ONLY instance in which I can imagine rightfully attacking someone for their flaws. So you don't like to wear the same clothes as them? So freaking what? That's shallow. And if you're a quiet and shy person, that's just how you are. I can understand offering advice if you are seriously committing a fashion faux pas (I do the same myself) but if you don't take it then that's your choice. Good for you for not abandoning yourself to be like everyone else.

[OMG MY FACE]

Okay, so this is going to be long and rant-y, and I don't know where to start, so I wonder if/how I' edit this...

Let me start by saying that you will never EVER EVER find a friend (let alone 'freinds') who will accept you for who you are. Nobody is capable of that. Even a mother can only love her child to a certain point. If you believe in unconditional love (or 'unconditional like' in this case, which is far more ludicrous) you must either be religious or a fool.

Sesame Street and Barney bring us up to believe that we're all special and unique and we should appreciate people for their differences, but nobody does. Anyone who says they do is a liar. People can accept things that they agree with. Could you bring yourself to befriend someone who is a serial rapist? What if you found out your best friend was a pedophile? Is your 'unconditional friendship' still in effect?

Now that that's out of the way, let me swing around to another subject. Friends DO tear each other down sometimes. Some do it in fun, or out of being mean-spirited, but if your friends are really your friends (and not just people you eat lunch with so you're not alone at school, those aren't your friends and I can tell you from experience that your contact with them in the real world after you graduate will be little to none, and will get there FAST.) sometimes they will tear you down so that they can help you pick yourself back up. Maybe your lack of fashion sense isn't a big deal in reality, but they very well could legitimately see that you don't enjoy not fitting in and may really want to help you? Is this the case? It's hard to tell from what you've said, but it very well could be (though is probably unlikely - kids are mean).

Sometimes this kind of method works. Sometimes knocking someone down to help them back up is a very effective method that you'll be thanked for later. And, honestly, isn't it best to hear it from a friend than from someone else? Of course it is. But one of the things you realize in life, and I know it's cliched, is that you cannot change someone else. They have to want it, and they have to do it for themselves. If you don't want to change your clothes to fit in, your friends can't make you. But, honestly, is buying a few new t-shirts and a cool pair of shoes or something like that really going to hurt you? And if it helps you to fit in better, isn't it worth it? I guess that comes down to personal opinion.

So is what your friends doing right? Well, it could be. It could be for the right reasons, or it could be just completely wrong. It's something you have to judge for yourself. If it truly makes you unhappy, say something. If it continues, then take the advice that's been given to you, and find new friends. (BTW, anyone who said that, why don't YOU find new friends? Easier said than done.)

I think I'll stop myself here. And I won't even re-read it to see if I made sense or if I came off too harshly. I don't want to come off like an ass (though I often do, to be sure), I just want to tell it like it is.

Good luck with finding the meaning of friendship.

[Fallain]

Sure no one will ever be perfectly accepting of everything of a friend, I don't get along with all of my friends but whenever they start to annoy me I just tune them out and forget about it. But none of us try to change each other either. We may not like how we dress or talk or our habits, but we're still good friends and know better than to pressure someone to be someone their not.

If they were really a friend they wouldn't tear her down like that. There's a difference between helpful advice with life and petty high school cliche bashing to make someone feel better about themselves.

It's not like she's an alcoholic and this is a serious intervention. This is high school (where, if she is going to make new friends, is the perfect place for it besides an anime convention because it's so EASY)

It just depends on the friend as to what your willing to go through for them.
Example: I've had an annoying friend since 7th grade and after 7 years of trying to be her personal bi-polar medication I finally stopped talking to her and listening to her whine about how I needed to be a better person and be nicer to people. Ironic, yes, but I really don't care. I've replaced her with new friends and I feel great.
Example: I've had a friend since 9th grade who used to skip school to watch cartoons with me when I was sick. We never did much together but whenever I had a problem he'd listen to me without judging me or telling me to change. He's currently locked up for selling heroin. And I still write him letters. No, I don't agree with what he did with his life considering another of our friends died in Jan from a drug overdose, but let's face it. Life sucks. And if you don't try and keep the good memories, you've got nothing. He needs me to be there for him the same way he was always there for me, non-judgemental, and I am.

[Nehssa]

I totally get where you're going at.

I had the same problem. :/

My supposed 'friends' would always criticize me, tease me, and other stuff. It drove me crazy! Looking back, I don't even know why I even went through that crap.

But I learned that I should find some new friends. I'm still friends with them, but not as well. At lunch I sit with people that are nice, sometimes. . _ . But at least they were better than my old friends.

My advice to you is that you should try to talk to new people. Who knows, they could be pretty awesome and they could be your new friends. Don't let yourself get picked on like that!

Good luck!

[Graymalkin]

Well obviously it is not okay.
I have had friends do this so me many times over,
mainly because I do not just wear one style.
Sometimes I want to be girly, but usually at home.
So the short shorts, skirts, clevage tops and what nots,
are all in the comforts of my own home.
Where no one can say " Oh why are you wearing that?"
Which I got the one day I wore an Hollister shirt to school.
One of the jocks as well as most of my friends piped up.
Screw you, I looked good in that shirt..
So what if I mainly wear band T's and my Slipknot sweater.
I like them so bite me, douchenozzes.
*sigh* So they do not seem like 'real' friends to me.
You should look the way you want, and they should love you for you.
If they want to change you that is a major flare warning.
Like bible thumpers, I respect Christians and other religions,
but please do not tell me I am going to hell because I do not,
want their bible at that moment, and will not swear fealty to Jesus.
I have a bible thank you, but I am not Christian, am nothing really.
ANYWAYS back to this, they are not real friends,
just be you okay? Do it.. don't change for anyone other than you.

[SenselessPi]

Friends who criticize everything aren't friends at all.

My advice would be to find people who share common interests with you and are less likely to find you weird or see you in need of changing. If you're just in high school, then don't worry about them.

I've been told before that the best friends you'll have for life come to you when you're in college. That's mostly true, as those young adults are far more tolerant and accepting of people's differences than high schoolers are.

I have two best friends right now who share only a few of my interests, a few of my hates for certain things, and one of them has different beliefs than I do. How do we stay together? We accept what makes us different from one another. The things that we don't agree on are less important than being together. I'm sure they'd help me bury someone if it ever came to that.

[Vixie]

it is NOT ok for friends to pick apart your life, if they were truely your friends they'd accept your life and not change it, there not your friends!

[Odd]

That story makes me appreciate my friends a lot more. You see, I went to an Alternative High School. Essentially, that means that it was a small campus of maybe two to five hundred students who didn't do too good in the regular high school for various reasons. About half of them were rappers, whiggers and potheads, but the other half were my people: metalheads, geeks, and misfits. Imagine a bizarro world where weird is the norm. We didn't pick at each others' eccentricities, we egged each other on. My Dungeons & Dragons group consisted of a long-haired guitarist from a black metal band, an italian with seven brothers whose family had mafia connections, a sk8er who lived in a nice house in the suburbs, a female gamer, and me, Dr. Prof. God Sir Dungeon-Master. "Freak" was a compliment to us, and still is. Why be normal when you can be abnormal?

If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna lean back for a bit and wallow in nostalgia.

[Arabie]

Well from the sounds of it, you were all "taking turns" bashing eachother. Yes, it's horrible what they said to you but what did you say to THEM? I think it's wrong for friends to pick eachother apart, yes, but it seems like you were picking YOUR friends apart too. It sounds like you were all picking each other apart (cause you said you all took turns "critisizing eachother in a friendly way"), and you didn't like it when they started picking YOU apart. Those who live in glass houses should not throw stones.
My advice to you is you find a group of friends that like you for you, and don't worry about what other people think. I mean really, if they don't like all that stuff about you, tough luck sweetie. I mean what's important is YOU like you, and you need to learn to embrace yourself, because you can't make friends unless you truely love yourself, and if you want to change good for you, but if you dont, that's just as good. Don't change for other people, change for yourself (I learned THAT the hardway). Because if you do all those changes for THEM, and eventually you'll probably end up not being friends with them anymore (drifting apart, moving, college, etc.) you'll be stuck with a person you modified to fit some other people and that might not even be a person you like.
Like my ex, I changed ALOTALOTALOT for him to suit him. Now that he and I aren't together anymore, I was stuck with this morphed version of me that was stuck in the habit of constant changes. What good did that do me? Zilch. Just remember don't change for them unless what you're doing you WANT to change or is HURTING you.