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Post new topic   Reply to topic June's Journal (Because Everyone Else's Look Nifty)
Juneberry



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 PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 5:50 pm Reply with quote        
So I've seen a number of people on here have a sort of journal writing thingy here....And honestly, I think that'd be a neat thing to do. I feel awkward making this when I already have my monthly contest thread in here, but...I wanna write random things and vent and cheer and stuff too! I mean, I've never been good with journalist. I always eventually forget or lose the journal or some other nonsense. I've lost count of how many journals I've had, blogs, etc. But still...I think this is a neat idea. So...Sorry for stealing from the lot of you I've been peeking at the lives of, but I think this is nifty.

Sooo....What to write today? Well, I'm feeling horrible. I'm not sure if it's my girly hormones being annoying or if I wasn't careful enough with the fruit salad at my grandmother's house this weekend...But I feel like crap. I can't seem to take enough gas-x and I feel like trying to cut open my gut to try to get rid of some of the fat and stuff that's making it all twisty today. Obviously I won't- I'm too scared of sharp things anyway. BUT I WANT TO. I really do. ;-;

Well, I still managed to do something today. I mean, I didn't do my laundry or any of the work I was supposed to do...But I did finish making mini character sheets for the important characters for my NaNo novel. All of them have names and some sort of interaction basics with the others. That's good, right? I mean sure, I still have no idea how tall they are and who is and who isn't fat. And even more importantly, I have no idea how to get Jin to shut his pie hole about how 'amazing' he is (stupid telekenetic thinks he's god doesn't he?). BUT...I have enough for now. And that means I should be ready in ten days to get writing as long as we don't have another Sandy. Or whatever it'll be named this year.

...If we have another Sandy, expect me to be trying to type while hiding under a table because I can't move my computer from my flaky power cord and I'm scared hysterically by thunder. And fire. And about a bazillion other things.

...I need a therapist. Bye for now.

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Juneberry



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 PostPosted: Thu Oct 24, 2013 10:59 pm Reply with quote        
So...Today's another rant day. Because saying happy things is hard when you think of depressing stuff. But don't worry, I'll be calm. Ish. Calmish.

Also. I'm changing names and stuff a lot because I DON'T WANT YOU TO KNOW IF YOU'RE INVOLVED. Though I don't think the people involved are here. But either way, safety and privacy is a good thing. So yeah.

Anywho...I'm thinking of how many times love has failed me. I admit in advance that I have a personality disorder many of you know as Borderline. The current standard of that diagnosis is in its basic form revolving around abandonment issues: and trust me when I say I can see why that'd be pushed as a label for me.

I've been abandoned in some way by a lot of people. My mother, my aunt, my first love. Well, my first love is the main issue here: because he didn't abandon me in the sense that he literally left. However, he was the boy who cried wolf. He lied incessantly. We met online and never once met physically despite being in close proximity on the outside. However, I still loved him. I loved him like a love-sick puppy. And at one point, he said he loved me too. We went out for a couple years (though nothing especially changed, besides us knowing each others feelings and occasionally flirting over it). But then, my emotional spiral started. I've had anxiety basically since I was born, but as I hit puberty, my family's tendency towards bipolar kicked in. Then there was my natural innocence that led me to think that I was unfaithful for thinking another person was good looking besides my boyfriend. Feeling I was unfaithful for thinking another guy was handsome made me feel sick about myself. I eventually told the now ex I needed a break. He was fine with it. But in reality, I wasn't.

Anyhow, I admitted I still liked him after that. He told me he was sorta relieved by the breakup because he'd been lying about various things. His lies included using an alter ego with a new email address to tell me he hated me for being such a goody-goody. Yes, I got hate mail for being too nice. This is legit.

I thought I finally got over him. I've thought that at least ten times. Each time I started to like someone though, I thought to myself maybe I was just filling the void. And then, I'd believe it. So, since that day, I may have had one or two others I dated. Okay, maybe more then that. I've had a lot I've liked. But whenever I think about it, I go back to him. I think I'm overall over him. I don't talk to him anymore and haven't for a couple years. I'm too scared to try even though we were on good terms and stuff for a while. It likely doesn't help that one of his friends he introduced me to has a crush on me. Said person knew I liked him and was willing to cheer me on, but it was hard for him not to try to flirt with me. Over time, he became more pushy- and I'm not very good with saying no, so I started to pull away and hide even though he was such a nice person. Because I couldn't say yes. I just couldn't think of him that way.

At this point, I have a girl I like. She likes me back, and we're halfway to dating (She's still two years too young so we're just staying friends, but we flirt a wee bit. We don't plan on even talking about meeting until she reaches 1Cool. I love her a lot. I think about her almost all the time. However, whenever I think of anyone related to that guy, I start to worry. I want to talk to him again. He was a great friend. But I don't want him asking anything, not about his friend that likes me that I just can't talk to again. I don't know how to face that person. I just can't. So, I avoid him. And in turn, I avoid my first love too. But I wonder if it's for the better in a way? Avoiding him...Though i miss him, I might just hurt myself more if I get too close again. But...It hurts to miss him too.

But with all this, I'm afraid. I love my friend, and she said she likes me too. I'm more then happy to wait for her. But...What if I lose her? What if she leaves me too? I have my doubts it'll happen, but in the back of my mind, it keeps replaying. The fear, the pain...The hope plays too. The happiness of now and her telling me she liked me back. It all plays back as a medley of insane emotions wrecking havoc on my mind.

Seriously...Someone needs to make my brain shut up. Because the cluster of emotions is too much. And I don't want her to see me cry one day out of nowhere or something. x-o

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