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neomattlac



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 PostPosted: Sat Nov 07, 2015 1:39 am Reply with quote        
So, I need some advice, and I hope you don't mind me asking.
I grew up with this gal. And I think I really like her. I recall myself thinking it was odd when I liked her as a kid. Later, she was o e of the first women I "noticed". I still spend quite a bit of time with her and we workout together. I've known her, now, for 20 of my 25 years, and she is the second most important person to me.
But I find this wall between us, when it comes to perceptions.
Because we hangout a lot, people often ask if we are together, and we brush it off and say " No, he/she is basically my brother/sister." Additionally, our families have traded us about getting together for most of the time since we've gotten to that age.
Recently I have been introduced to the term "limerence", or the obsession with getting someone's approval, happiness, of appreciation.
Long story short, I've been trying to get the words together to simply ask her how she feels about me, truly.I see segues and stuff, but can never actually get the words out of my mouth.

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fickle



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 PostPosted: Mon Nov 09, 2015 7:15 am Reply with quote        
sometimes when i'm anxious or nervous, my hearts racing, and my face is red, i think to myself "i'm so excited!" and it makes me feel better about the situation i'm in

something you may want to reconsider is asking her, or putting her on the spot like that. i would suggest you make your confession first, instead of trying to get one out of her first. i just feel like if you ask her about her feelings that you'd be putting pressure on her, so to me your confession first is the better route.

maybe your family has noticed something that can really work between you two? all the pressure that youve gotten from them sounds like a drag, but perhaps they see something between you two that can last for a long time. if i were in your shoes though, i wouldnt tell them anything about asking or confessing, or any feelings. your business is yours, and their pressure is probably not helping, right?

look, whatever youre going to do, just do it. break through the wall, forget about what your family has said to you, and the questions people ask you, whatever those guys do or think is irrelevant to how you feel about her. listen to your inner shia lebouf and JUST DO IT!

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neomattlac



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 PostPosted: Sun Nov 15, 2015 12:22 pm Reply with quote        
Well, my main concern is that I keep replaying this scenario in my head, and in 9/10 cases, she says "I'm sorry, Matt. I'm flattered, but I don't like you like that." or "I don't think I'm ready for that."
Then our friendship gets really awkward.
My other issue is that I think... I'm obsessed with her. I always want to hang out with her, but every time I leave her company (or she leaves mine), I hear in my head "_______, I love you."
It seems weird because....
Okay, now I'm creating excuses. Yeah, I should just ask her out, but the nervousness is tremendous. Growing up, she was one of my only friends, and even not in a romantic way, I love her more than anyone, except my twin bro, and even then its difficult to choose between the two.
I just need to f'ing ask her out. I thought of so many segues when I was talking with her last night. I even steered the conversation towards love and relations, but still couldn't get the balls to ask her.
Now, I feel like a coward. And I am, I've known that.
But, I gotta remember, "Keep On Keepin' On!"

_________________
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I have a really bad memory, so if we got into a conversation or something and I just vanished, feel free to send me a pm and I'll reappear.
fickle



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 PostPosted: Wed Nov 18, 2015 9:11 pm Reply with quote        
let's be realistic, a coward wouldnt have the guts to steer the conversation in a romantic direction. Happy you done good

we can speculate what will become in the future, but ultimately no one knows. good, bad, or neutral things can happen when you confess, which makes expectations a waste of time. i know youve realized youre making excuses, i had a thought though.
sometimes getting caught up in conversations in the head is spending time in a fantasy, though i do think it can help people figure out what to say so long as theyre focus is on what theyre going to say and not focusing on roleplaying the other person, you know what i mean? lets not cling to what she says in your mind, or what may come after you confess, thats when it becomes a fantasy. no matter how she responds, everything will be ok, that little awkward moment that might come, that will be ok, or any romance that might bloom, that will also be ok.

"i'm so nervous but i'm going to do it anyways" is the spirit!

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neomattlac



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 PostPosted: Mon Dec 07, 2015 7:50 pm Reply with quote        
Thank you, fickle.
Turns out that, while I do have minor feelings for her, most of it was a manifestation of my depression; particularly the loneliness.
I found this out when I found myself forlorn for my other friend when I visiting her. I just desire constant companionship. It's lame for a dude.
That being said, it's is very possible I simply love both of them.

_________________
Remind me to remind you to give me stuff
Send me your drawings of ducks.
I have a really bad memory, so if we got into a conversation or something and I just vanished, feel free to send me a pm and I'll reappear.
fickle



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 PostPosted: Mon Dec 07, 2015 8:07 pm Reply with quote        
i know the feels. i was pretty lonely for a large majority of my life that i wanted every guy i met to want me whether or not i liked him, kinda weird but whatever.
why is it lame for dudes? Oh Mai
are you still planning on pursuing a relationship with your childhood friend? Soft Smile

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neomattlac



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 PostPosted: Mon Dec 07, 2015 8:16 pm Reply with quote        
I don't know. I have different goals with different friends. I've always have very strong visions, or very immersive fantasies. On top of that, I have a hard time identifying emotions, so I distrust what I feel, and don't know what's real or just a desire, ya know?
Also, I had a solid conversation with that other friend of mine. I had feelings for her in middle school and high school, and it turns out that that's still around. On top of that, when I'm with her, I become more outgoing and I really just become the man I want to be. It's stupid. I'm stupid. We're all mad in the hatter.

_________________
Remind me to remind you to give me stuff
Send me your drawings of ducks.
I have a really bad memory, so if we got into a conversation or something and I just vanished, feel free to send me a pm and I'll reappear.
fickle



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 PostPosted: Tue Dec 08, 2015 11:03 am Reply with quote        
the way i understand it, it's desire that drives us to want things in life whether it's fuzzy dice, a fast car, world peace, or a promotion at work. it's more important to distinguish between what will bring you ordinary happiness (this happiness does not last), and true happiness. it might be helpful to ask ourselves whether a desire is coming from a place of greed.

i swear you call yourself stupid so much, thats a nasty habit, why do you do that? :C

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neomattlac



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 PostPosted: Fri Dec 18, 2015 10:21 am Reply with quote        
Because I rationalize too quick and make mistakes, yet I also think of myself as a highly intellectual person. In my mind, there's a difference between being smart and being intellectual. Intelligence is the ability to gather, sort, and disburse data with little to no loss. Being smart means the ability to rationalize topics and use critical thinking of the information gathered. There needn't be any knowledge retained to be smart, nor does being intelligent mean that the data is processed.
A politician is smart.
A historian is intelligent.
An astrophysicist is both (gathering lots of knowledge, and understanding it).

As for me, I am a mix of both, but I often neglect to combine the two on the same topic. When I speak, write, or do, I just disperse, without a lot of thinking. When I am trying to solve a problem, I will often only work the values within reach. Thus I often make mistakes, and I am stupid because of it.
Also, stupid is my default insult. I should have said coward.

What is happiness to me? Happiness is a simple life free from anxiety, but still containing a purpose. It's like playing a round of golf, when it's nice outside, and everything is straight. You need only to hit the ball to the next hole and figure out your next step. For me, though, I start thinking too much. You shouldn't have to worry about the type of grass, the wind, how cold it is, whether you have enough money to cover the next round, whether the tree over yonder has a bird in it, whether you look stupid wearing this color shirt, why didn't you wear the other shirt, my shoe is scuffed, I hope I didn't forget to pay that bill, etc.

_________________
Remind me to remind you to give me stuff
Send me your drawings of ducks.
I have a really bad memory, so if we got into a conversation or something and I just vanished, feel free to send me a pm and I'll reappear.
fickle



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 PostPosted: Sun Dec 20, 2015 11:02 pm Reply with quote        
you know what it looks like to me, an outsider? youre just a man beating yourself up, now youre rationalizing why you call the things you do stupid? lol. it seems like the reason youre calling yourself stupid is because youre making these snap judgements and letting it snowball
cant tell a girl you like her? oh thats cowardice
your other friend makes you feel a certain way? thats stupid

no matter what you do, it seems like you just beat yourself out of it. if you were seeing yourself in third person, what does it look like to you?

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neomattlac



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 PostPosted: Thu Dec 31, 2015 7:46 am Reply with quote        
It looks like an abusive relationship that gets the abusee to get shit done.
I can tell you that I often hate myself.

_________________
Remind me to remind you to give me stuff
Send me your drawings of ducks.
I have a really bad memory, so if we got into a conversation or something and I just vanished, feel free to send me a pm and I'll reappear.
fickle



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 PostPosted: Fri Jan 01, 2016 6:03 am Reply with quote        
youre reasoning yourself out of love, that aint getting anything done. maybe your logic is reasonable, but if you want to know with certainty, youve just gotta give it a go.

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neomattlac



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 PostPosted: Sat Jan 02, 2016 3:00 am Reply with quote        
Here's the plain truth. I am so freaking lonely, but I'm just sure I'm going hurt her and that scares the ... out of me. I just can't hurt her.
I know when my.trouble with this started, and why, but I don't know how. It started with my grandmother. I loved her so much. My grandfather had died shortly before that. Then I lost her and my dog.within a few weeks of each other. It crushed me. It was at that point that I began to distance myself from the world and other people. I've always had a big heart, so, to block myself off like that was damaging. And I never fully recovered. I still miss my grandmother. She was the last one I was close to like that. Man, did I love her. After fourth grade, I just wasn't right.
I don't know why I just confessed that. Probably because it's 3am. Man do I wish I had some good liquor around and man am I glad I don't.

_________________
Remind me to remind you to give me stuff
Send me your drawings of ducks.
I have a really bad memory, so if we got into a conversation or something and I just vanished, feel free to send me a pm and I'll reappear.
fickle



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 PostPosted: Sat Jan 02, 2016 9:35 pm Reply with quote        
i'm sorry to hear that :C death makes all the moments i spent with them all the more precious. death comes for us all, you think the person she might end up with will live forever?

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neomattlac



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 PostPosted: Fri Jan 15, 2016 9:12 am Reply with quote        
I hate that.
I hate to go dark here, but, when I used to think of suicide, that's what stopped me. Me disappearing is fine, but I can't stand thinking about the pain I'd inflict on everyone else. More so, when I think about what impact my death would have on their lives. I doubt some of them would be as dramatic as I imagine, but still. Like this one friend of mine. I think it'll send her back into depression, and I won't be there to stop her. Or my brother, who depends on me for social activity and interactivity. I can't imagine how much of a recluse he'd come if I off myself.
To bring this back to the brighter side, that's also my issue with my emotions. I love all these people, so deeply, but I've never been taught the right words to describe how I feel about them.
One woman... If I woke up next to her, it'd be like waking up with sunshine shining in through the window right on me, warming me up. When I see her, it comforts and excites me at the same time. Her presence just makes me feel right. But, I did a visualization of my life with her. The kisses would be awkward, because she's like my sister. In fact, I didn't realize how much until the visualization. Also, I don't think she'd challenge me to change. On the other hand, I feel like I'd always want her there. Oh, and God, do I love it when she smiles and laughs. And she's so beautiful and sexy, though she seems to not be able to see it, and it hurts to see her not... seeing herself the way she is.
Another woman, she pushes me to do more, to do what I've never done before. I think that I want to be with her simply for that fact. She could get me to conquer the world, simply by saying the word (which I was literally planning on doing because of her, until I spoke with her and realized I misunderstood what she was asking. There's a much longer story behind that.). I am shallow, but I can usually consciously override it. However, with her, she needs to lose some weight before I date/marry her. I do too. Unfortunately, I don't see her often (my fault), and she's made it clear that she wouldn't marry me unless it was a marriage of convenience. She reminds me fairly often that I'm like her brother, and it's a good thing she does, because I need the reminder to not go after her. She used to make it clear that she doesn't see me romantically, but recently she's backed off on it. Idk. I want to try to lose twenty pounds before I see her again, so see if that is her standoff.
Then there's strangers. I'd take a bullet for a stranger, because I care deeply about them. Isn't that a type of love? I was once told that you can determine if you love someone by that fact that you'd be willing to die for them. If that's the case, am I in love with everyone?
More likely, it's a leftover from the worst parts of depression and low self-esteem/worth. I value other lives before my own.
"you think the person she might end up with will live forever?"
I was actually thinking about this yesterday, and realized I really, really don't want to see her with anyone else, but then again, I don't want to give up the chance with the other woman.
Whatever. I need to think more about it.

_________________
Remind me to remind you to give me stuff
Send me your drawings of ducks.
I have a really bad memory, so if we got into a conversation or something and I just vanished, feel free to send me a pm and I'll reappear.
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