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Post new topic   Reply to topic So, um, this isn't really a story, but...
KaceyCat



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 PostPosted: Sat Sep 28, 2013 8:25 pm Reply with quote        
Not sure if this is where this should go, but nothing else seemed to really fit. It's not really a story at all, it's more...An explanation. Perhaps a bit of a blog, almost, but probably just going to be a one-time thing, unless people really start responding to it. It's mostly just going to be a thought-purge that I'm perfectly fine with putting up here for people to read, so it probably won't be entirely coherent. But I'll try, I guess. Oh yeah, and I'm not going to edit it, other than for spelling and grammar. No deleting stuff once it's typed. So you get to see my full thought process. Or, well, most of it. Maybe not EVERY single thought...

So anyway, you likely don't know me, as I'm new here. Like, joined late last night-new. The name's Kacey. Well, not really. That's just one of my many nicknames. I'm also called Kiley, Lily, Tiger, Sandy, Swan, Queen of the Timpani, Flute-Girl, Picc, Snow, Nerd, Spaz, or just 'Hey You!' There's probably more nicknames that I'm forgetting. Names are unimportant, anyway. Well, no, I take that back. I just don't find any particular name important, and I don't really care what people call me, so long as it's unoffensive.

I've always been different from others. I think weird, compared to other people my age. I'll get into serious, in-depth conversations online with people who don't know me in person and I'll ask them, "Just out of curiosity, based solely on my writing style, opinions, wording, and point of view how old do you think I am?" The answer usually falls in the 30's or 40's. Well, I'm not. I turned 17 this past September 10th. I'm a senior in high school, but I should really be a junior by age. I've got friends that are juniors who are older than I am. Doesn't bother me too much, though. Just means I'm smart enough to graduate high school and get into college at 17.

A lot of people find it odd that a teenage girl, instead of being shallow and hormonal and caring only about her social life and physical appearance, can be so intellectual. Not sure why, since it's not exactly unheard of. I like mind games. Puzzles, challenges to make one think hard. Philosophical or theory-based conversations? Absolutely. Clothing? Make-up? Shopping? Forget it. You know how there's those things in malls unofficially called 'Boyfriend Chairs' where boyfriends and husbands wait for their dates to try on clothes and they just kind of grumble about being bored? Yeah, I'm more likely to be sitting there. With a book. Groaning about how my mom wants me to try on ANOTHER shirt.

Physically, I'm female. Mentally? Not sure. Kind of gender-neutral. I'm not girly, but I'm not exactly a tomboy either. I'm just kind of...There. I hate dresses and skirts with a burning passion. And yet I willingly wear a floor-length black gown for band concerts. I don't mind lizards and snakes and stuff, but I freak out over most bugs (Except crickets. Those I'm kind of neutral about). One minute, I'm just kind of all 'meh', the next, I'm coo-ing over how adorable something is.

I've got plenty more to say, but I figure this is enough for now...Who knows, this might become a regular-ish thing, if I get around to it, and if the admin don't tell me this is the wrong place to put this. *shrugs* Thanks for reading, people, if anyone actually did. It was just kind of a bit of a brain-purge, typing whatever came to mind.
KaceyCat



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 PostPosted: Sun Sep 29, 2013 6:57 pm Reply with quote        
Day two of me writing here, I guess. I felt the need to come back and type. Maybe this will become something regular. Who knows.

So I feel the need to tell you guys about my weird rare disease that popped up back in August. It's called Hemophagocytic Lymphohistiocytosis, or HLH for short. It's an immune disease that has two variations: Familial and Acquired. We're really thinking I've got the Acquired kind, since Familial usually only shows up in infants. We're really hoping it's not Familial...Because then the rest of my family has to be tested, since they could all be carriers. I just happened to be the first to show it AND get diagnosed. But I'm hoping it's Acquired. If so, then it's just a 'Oh, lucky me, it just happened to happen. No genetic predisposition, my family doesn't have to worry.' Please, please let it be Acquired...Please.

So. Those two lovely giant words. I'll explain HLH later. For now, I want to tell a bit of a story. I'll describe what happened to me, then explain what HLH actually is.

It started on August 9th, my little brother's 13th birthday. I had a fever of just over 100 Fahrenheit (Sorry non-Americans, I'm too tired and lazy to translate stuff into Celsius for you...). I wound up having a high fever for 16 days straight. Most of the time, it hovered around 103 F. The highest recorded temp we got on me was 105.4 F. That's getting dangerously close to seizure-inducing. Oddly enough, the fever responded when I took Tylenol, and would go down to 98-99 (My usual temp is in the 97's, but close enough to not being crazy high, so we were accepting it.) but then once the medication wore off, it'd shoot right back up to 103. So anyway, while all this is going on, three days after the fever first popped up, I broke out into a massive, flaming red rash all over. Like, I was practically glowing. But I wasn't just bright red, it was burning, itchy, and I got all spotty-dotty on my arms in all of the hair follicles. (I do have something else that makes my hair follicles dark, but this was different. This was REALLY PRONOUNCED.) And my face was swelling a bit from the fever.

At first, we thought it was just a normal virus. Fever, runny nose, coughing, not-eating-because-of-nausea, all that fun stuff, and we thought the rash was a side effect from a new medication, since we'd been warned about it. So I stopped taking that med to see if the rash would go away. Or see if I got better. I didn't. The sh** really started to hit the fan. My white blood cell count dropped. Normal level is at least 4. The lowest mine got was 0.9. My liver, kidneys, gall bladder, and spleen all started getting inflamed. I was horribly dehydrated. At this point, I was going to my primary care doctor daily and having all kinds of blood-work done, since we couldn't figure out what was up with me.

This is the point where my fever spiked to 105.4 F. I wound up spending a week in the hospital. I was put on a semi-permanent I.V.-type thing called a PICC since they didn't want to have to keep poking me every time they needed to do more blood-work, since I was so dehydrated and had already been poked at least 18 times in the past week and they were having trouble finding veins. And I was on a major saline drip for the whole time since I was so dehydrated. I had two bone marrow biopsies done. There were all kinds of specialists coming in to see me, from hematology-oncology to rheumatology to infectious diseases to the standard pediatric doctors...

Finally, we were able to really narrow things down. They put me on a steroid and the fever went away, as did the rash, and everything started getting better. My liver, spleen, gall bladder, and kidneys started to heal. My white blood cell count started climbing slowly. It was like 'Well, whatever it is, the steroid's fixing it.' We still didn't know what I had exactly, since by that point we'd gotten to the really obscure blood tests that took forever to get back. But anyway, after a week, I got to go home. I was feeling better, mostly. About a week later, we had to go to the hematologist-oncologist. And that's when he said I've got HLH. He said that in his 20 years of working in pediatric hematology-oncology, I am one of less than a dozen people he's seen with this. Now I guess I'll explain in basic terms what HLH is.

What happened basically is that back when the fever kicked in, I'd caught just a normal virus. Just a regular, run-of-the-mill virus. So my immune system kicked into high gear to kill it. You know kind of how that works, right? Bone marrow makes lots of white blood cells, which attack the virus, then everything goes back to normal when the virus is defeated. But my immune system got stuck in hyper-drive. Once the virus was defeated, it went on a rampage. My white blood cells attacked each other, my bone marrow couldn't keep up, and then my white blood cells started going after my organs. My kidneys, spleen, liver, and gall bladder were as far as they got, but eventually they would have gone after everything. Even my BRAIN. That's right, HLH is fatal if undiagnosed. Actually, it's fatal if untreated. But since it's so rare, and just looks like a really bad virus, it goes undiagnosed a lot. But in the simplest of terms, my body went into SELF-DESTRUCT MODE.

So, there's only one course of action, since I don't want to just sit and die. It's really aggressive treatment, since it's an aggressive disease. HLH is not cancer, but the only treatment plan is a combination of steroids and chemotherapy, which will go on for about 2 months, and then we'll see from there. I had surgery two days after my birthday to have a chemo port put in. Originally, the doc wanted to have the surgery ON my birthday. That would have sucked big time. Back to the Familial vs. Acquired thing real quick...If it's Familial, I will have to get a bone marrow transplant. That's not to say that I won't if it's Acquired, it's just that it's necessary if it's Familial.

The point of the steroids and chemo is we're purposely destroying my immune system totally. Like, killing off all of the crazy, over-active cells that have gone bonkers. That way my body can reset and rebuild from scratch, replacing the psycho-cells with nice, normal ones. So for now, I'm on a lot of antibiotics and other meds not to make me healthy, but to try and keep me from getting sick. My immune system is literally being destroyed on purpose so it can be rebuilt. I feel okay for the most part, but I've got a cold (Runny nose and phlegm-y coughing) that I can't kick because of the no-immune-system thing and the side effects from all the meds...Nausea, dizziness, headaches, light-headedness, exhaustion, hot flashes, feeling freezing, sweating like crazy, and the steroids have given me really funky acne all over my face that I'm not allowed to use anything on, since I've got sensitive skin and we don't want to see how I'm going to react to new stuff. Oh, and the CRAVINGS. Half the time, I'm not hungry at all. The rest of the time? Freakin' RAVENOUS. Or I won't be hungry, but I'll seriously get the urge to chow down on cheez-its or something. I was told the steroids are going to screw with my appetite and weight like that, and normally I wouldn't freak out too much, but seriously. I'm a teenage girl. Even though I have a very apathetic and indifferent point of view toward that, the acne and cravings and stuff are starting to freak me out a bit. I'm working on staying calm, though. I've never been that self-conscious, but things are starting to bother me more and more lately. >.< And about the chemo...Supposedly, I won't lose all of my hair, but it might thin a bit. Nothing's really happened yet, but I'm scared. I know it's shallow and stupid, but my hair's always been a big part of who I am. Literally and figuratively. I've got like...First-year Hermione hair, mixed with Merida, from Brave. Giant, poofy, frizzy, curly brown...We joke and say my hair has its own zip code. That squirrels nest in it. If it starts falling out...I seriously think I might cry. As shallow and selfish as it sounds...I just don't want that.

So, uh, I guess that's it, for now. Feel free to ask questions about my freaky rare disease, if anyone actually read all that and has questions and yeah I'll just shut up now...
KaceyCat



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 PostPosted: Sat Oct 05, 2013 4:30 pm Reply with quote        
Ugh, side effects of treatment are kicking in.

Lots of side effects.

The one that bothers me both the most and the least is hair-loss. Sometimes, I'll be okay with it and not freak out. But then, I won't be thinking, and I'll run a hand through my hair in public and be standing there with a handful of loose hair. Like, a BIG handful. And I've got long, curly, floofy hair. (Think First-year Hermione, but a bit longer and frizzier) And then I'm just standing there awkwardly with a handful of hair like '...What do I do with this? Please don't let people look over and see me holding this...'

It happened today while I was in the middle of taking the SATs. I couldn't exactly stand up and go throw it out...So I just sat there and scrunched it up and rolled it into a little ball and stuffed it into my pocket so I could toss it in the trash when I went to empty a pencil sharpener during one of the 5-minute stretch breaks. I was so scared someone'd see it and be all 'Eww, what's that huge chunk of hair?'

But I find that I can't stop touching my hair anyway. Because I keep it back in a pony tail, but I've always had little fuzzies that don't quite stay that I've always had to tuck behind my ears. I keep touching those. And only a few strands come out here and there, so it's not like I'm pulling out lots of hair. And that doesn't really bother me, even when I'm flicking single strands of loose hair off my hands afterward. It's just when I accidentally pull out a handful that it freaks me out. Especially when I do it in public when I'm not concentrating on not touching my hair.

Another side effect is heat flashes. I'm overheating like crazy all the time. I've never had a very high heat tolerance (I've always preferred the cold) but now I'll just suddenly start sweating like crazy in a room where everyone else is fine. And of course, whenever I start overheating, my face and arms and all that start practically glowing bright red.

And the steroids have given me freaky acne-that-isn't-normal-acne. It's like, just bumps. On my T-zone on my face. I went to the dermatologist the other day, to see him about that, along with various other things wrong with my skin. He said I've got a Vitamin A deficiency (Resulting in red skin), keratosis pilaris (We call it spotty-dotty skin, because each of my hair follicles is darker than the rest of my skin), rosacea, dry skin, and sensitive skin. Most of that I knew already, since I inherited it all from my mom, but now I've actually got it diagnosed officially, and have treatment.

And tremors. I've started shaking. Especially my hands. My handwriting's gotten worse, so I've been typing stuff more for school. I mean, it's still legible and all that, but I'm getting frustrated with how hard it's gotten to write a lot at once. But sometimes, my whole body will start trembling uncontrollably.

Lately, I've developed joint pain as a side effect of chemo. Especially in my knees. Like, so bad that I couldn't walk for a few hours the other day until it went down. Like, we called my hematologist-oncologist and he wound up prescribing me Tylenol combined with Codine. Not even just normal Tylenol.

I freaking hate side effects. I have to feel worse before I can feel better, though. Once the chemo's done and over with, hopefully I'll be better.
KaceyCat



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 PostPosted: Sun Oct 06, 2013 7:01 pm Reply with quote        
...That was the most traumatizing shower I've ever taken.

So much of my hair came out...Seriously, it was like handful after handful, and I wasn't even pulling it out of my scalp, it was just already-loose hair that just kept coming.

It scared me so much. And the worst part is that I can feel more loose hair that's there, just stuck to hair still-attached. And I want to get it off because it's not good to keep it tangled. But I'm scared to at the same time because it just freaks me out to see so much loose hair in my hands.

I keep thinking I'm okay and calmed down, but then I picture the wall of the shower again (I had to keep wiping off my comb onto the wall, and it wound up being absolutely COVERED in hair) and I don't like it.

But then I relax and tell myself that it's just hair, and it'll grow back.

The past few days I've started to get really emotional. Not just weepy or anything, but all emotions. Things that don't normally annoy me really piss me off. I'll get really sad out of nowhere. I'm working on not lashing out at others, but I snapped at my little brother for no reason yesterday. I've already explained to him what's going on and he says it's okay, but I'm worried that I'll get to the point where I lash out physically, or I'll yell at him when he's having an off-day and then we'll both be out of control. Because neither of us was entirely stable before all this started. He deals with ADHD, social issues, and struggles to express himself. I've got depression, anxiety, social issues, and struggle to express myself. And now the doc says that the meds I'm on will only make me worse. They'll increase my pre-existing depression, make me more emotionally unstable...Yay. As if being a hormonal teenage girl wasn't enough.
KaceyCat



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 PostPosted: Sun Oct 20, 2013 8:35 pm Reply with quote        
So...It's been a while since I've done one of these thought-vomit things that I don't even know if anyone reads...

I just feel so exhausted all the time. An awful lot of my hair has fallen out by now, and I'm wearing hats all the time because my head gets cold without my signature floof to keep it warm. Seriously, my Hermione/Merida hair...It's mostly gone. My ponytail is about 1/4 of the size it used to be. Okay, maybe closer to 1/3, but it feels like 1/4, okay? It doesn't bother me too much anymore, though. Or so I keep telling myself. I don't know any more.

I've randomly started crying when I'm in private. Not even thinking about stuff that makes me sad, or anything. I was laying there last night, trying to fall asleep, and I just randomly started crying for like, 15 minutes. It kinda freaked me out, since I've always been this emotionless person with an unbreakable shell. And it seems like lately I've just turned into an overly-emotional, wimpy, weak pile of mush.

I can feel myself getting more and more depressed, and know the only way to fix it is to leave the house. But I don't want to leave the house, because I'm so exhausted and that would involve being in public. But not leaving the house is making me more depressed. But I'm too depressed to leave the house. So today I asked my mom to take me to the library. And now I feel a little better. See, I know what's wrong with me, I know what's happening, I sometimes know how to fix it, but I often can't fix it myself. And I hate asking others for help. I've never liked relying on others. But at the same time, I'm often unable to do what I need to do unless I have help. It makes me very conflicted.

I'm so damn self-conscious. Always have been. But now, with the steroid/chemo side effect, even more-so. Falling out hair. Redder-than-usual skin, crazy acne, bloating, sweating so much from hot flashes, swollen, puffy face...It's like my face and neck are an over-inflated balloon. I know it's not as bad as I make it out to be, but I'm so focused on it all the time. It's stupid, how we are our harshest critics. I know my friends don't care about the way I look, since they know what I'm going through, but I can't help myself. I feel so freaking shallow for having just typed that. I've never cared about my physical appearance anywhere near this much. Never bothered with make up, usually just wore t-shirts and jeans and a hoodie and sneakers, just keep my hair in a ponytail...And now, here I am, obsessing and complaining about how horrible I feel about how I look. It's disgusting.
KaceyCat



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 PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2013 9:56 pm Reply with quote        
Mkay, something a bit different, this time. This is something I wrote this past April, and some of you might not want to read it. For my English class, the monthly prompt was to write our own deaths. We could do it however we wanted, be it realistic or ridiculous. I wound up writing an incredibly personal, very realistic and detailed suicide. By that time, I'd been diagnosed officially with depression and had been for months. So after I wrote it, I told my parents so they wouldn't freak out if they ever found the file on my computer. And I swore to them and my teacher repeatedly that I wasn't suicidal. And I'm still not. Ah yes, and this all was written before I got sick and my HLH popped up and all that, which is why there's no mention of that. This was back in April, when things were still relatively normal, and I was just depressed. The HLH didn't rear its ugly head until August. But anyway, I figured I'd put this up here for you people to read (Or not, of course). Feel free to comment or PM me about it, if you want; I don't care if you people post comments/questions/concerns on my journal/word-vomit/whatever this thread has turned into. If you do, it might actually make me happy, since it tells me people are interested in what I have to say. I just realized that I change from past to present tense half-way through...But anyway, one last time before the story starts:

TRIGGER WARNING!!! CONTAINS SUICIDE. READ ON AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION.

It was a Friday in April, not too cold out, but not swelteringly hot. The girl’s parents and younger brother were out at a doctor’s appointment in Allentown, so the girl knew she had plenty of time. For the last time, she logged out of her computer and turned it off. Adjusting her t-shirt and jeans, she pulled on a pair of old sneakers and her black ‘ENS BAND’ hoodie and grabbed her flute case, slinging the strap over her shoulder. Sighing, the girl looked around her room- which, by the way, was clean for once- and dumped a few handfuls of food into the cages of her two hamsters. “Bye Treble, bye Bass.” She said softly stroking the soft white fur of each before she walked out of her room. Stopping in the office/man cave quickly, she said goodbye to her brother’s Berber skink, Nova, and walked into her parents’ room. All three of her cats were lying curled up on the bed. With tears in her eyes, she gently stroked each of them on the head. “Bye Stanny-Man,” She mumbled to the fat old tabby, rubbing his chin. He purred and nuzzled her hand back before she moved on to a skinny little black cat. “Bye Penny.” Again, she gave a chin-rub and got purring in return. Finally, she turned to a plump black cat with rather thick fur and repeated the process. “Bye, Pandora. I love you guys.” All three watched her with curious eyes as she left the room and walked downstairs. A jumpy corgi puppy met her at the bottom, and the girl closed the gate behind herself before the dog could get upstairs to the cats. “I love you, Clancy.” The girl murmured, rubbing the top of the dog’s head. She paused only to write a small note saying, “I love you. Take care of the hammies and cats for me, okay? Jake, give Clancy and Nova lots of snuggles for me. You can play ‘Don’t Starve’ on my comp whenever you want. Be good to my stuff, though. Mom, Papa, please put my flutes and piccolo with me, and my copy of Harry Potter Book 4: The Goblet of Fire too if you can. Know that I love you all more than I can say, and that I’m sorry for hurting you this way. P.S. Jake, I left something for you at our fishing spot. Don’t go alone, though, you know the mountain lion’s there. Promise me you’ll take Mom and Papa with you.” A few tear-drops stained the paper and made it wrinkle slightly. They should have known something was up; she’d been rather querulous for the past few days as her chosen date approached. The girl took a box out of the pantry and pulled out a baked dog treat. “Have a cookie, Clance.” She dropped the cookie for the dog and quickly walked out the garage door before the dog could follow. Punching in the code to close the garage door behind her, the girl walked down her driveway and along the road with her hands in her pockets. At the end of the road, she kept going, working her way through the brush over to a medium-sized pond.

Once there, the girl grabs a small, sleazy package from a fallen tree and sits down on a large rock by the water. She opens the package, revealing several daffodil bulbs and a small orange tiger lily blossom. Wordlessly, she eats every last one of the bulbs and tucks the flower into her hair. “And now, I wait.” Her voice cracks slightly and a tear runs down her cheek. As she knows it will take time to digest the toxic flower bulbs, she pulls her flute out of its case, fits it together, and begins to play a haunting melody softly. Unlike anything she’d ever played before, the song was sweetly morbid, reverberating around the clearing and sounding like something out of a horror movie when the killer is sneaking up behind the victim. The music begins to falter as the girl starts shaking uncontrollably. Feeling the bulbs begin to take effect, the girl packs her flute away so as not to damage it and lays back on the rock. Smiling faintly, the girl notices that it’s begun to rain slightly. “Oh look, the sky is crying too.” She murmurs, allowing tears to run down her cheeks freely as her shaking gets worse. The girl can feel nausea kicking in, and sits up once to vomit into the pond. She knows that her body is trying to purge itself of the toxins, but her actions were irrevocable; her body has already absorbed enough poison for it to be fatal. Laying back on the rock, the practically twitching girl closes her eyes. Her memories go to the faces of her family and friends, smiling at her, but watching in horror as if they could see what was happening to her. Knowing they’d remonstrate what she was doing if they could, she shook their images from her mind. “I’m sorry,” She chokes out, barely able to breathe through the tears and convulsions. “I’m so sorry.” She repeats the phrase over and over, interspersing it with a few scurrilous words as she loses her inhibitions that normally kept her from cursing out loud. Finally, with one ragged, shallow breath, she mumbles, “I love you all.” As if in slow motion, her body falls limp, the flute case still nestled against her side and her eyes closed as if she was only sleeping. She knew that it would be hours before her family got home and saw her note, perhaps even enough time for the mountain lion she knew was watching her to decide that it was hungry. Her family was resilient, though, and they’d sedulously recover from the loss. They always had, and it seemed they had a propensity for staying strong. Whatever happened afterward, the girl did not know or care, she only knew that both the good and bad of her life were over finally. She didn’t hate life, she simply got tired of it, and decided to repudiate it.
KaceyCat



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 PostPosted: Tue Dec 31, 2013 5:21 pm Reply with quote        
It's been a while, I suppose. Too tired to do much. Today's been a big day. I finally did it. I went and got my head shaved. Now it's just tiny bits of peach fuzz. I started crying. And then I cried when I got home. And I'm trying not to cry again now. My head's cold. Oh well. A fresh start for a new year.

On the upside, I'm going to get my port out soon. We got the surgeon's phone number today at the clinic so we can schedule a pre-op and the surgery.
KaceyCat



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 PostPosted: Mon Jun 09, 2014 8:09 pm Reply with quote        
Hey folks, been a few months. I just found out my dad's not going to be home in time for my high school graduation, which, by the way, I'm so close to not doing unless I get a shitton of American studies work done for tomorrow morning.

My dad's in Russia investigating an apartment explosion that killed an American woman from the embassy. It's too complicated, and instead of being back Wednesday or Thursday, we don't know when he'll be back.

My graduation is Friday the 13th. And I'm so close to being able to walk across the stage in front of my fellow bandmates and be done with high school hell. It's all literally riding on whether I get enough American studies done to pass the class. Not enough for an A, just enough to barely pass.

I'm so scared right now. For myself and for my dad. He's followed every time he's in Russia and this whole thing is politically charged to begin with.
Angelic.Demon
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 PostPosted: Mon Jun 09, 2014 10:28 pm Reply with quote        
I can't tell if it's ok to post here, if not, please let me know and I'll get someone to delete it.
I just wanted to wish you the best of luck Kacey in your quest for graduation, the world beyond is worth your current stress! And know your dad is in my thoughts, I hope that everything turns out well.


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KaceyCat



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 PostPosted: Wed Jun 11, 2014 2:32 am Reply with quote        
It's fine, Angel (Demon? AD?) I don't really care if people comment here or not. This is just my thought-vomit topic, where it doesn't really matter if people read it, so long as I get it out of my brain and into the screen.

Thanks for letting me know. By the way, I AM INDEED GRADUATING! Woot~! Which is good, 'cause I was accepted to the college I fell in love with on January 31st. Would've been a liiiiittle bit awkward, being accepted to one of the best music schools in the country and not passing senior year of high school...

And thank you for thinking about my dad. He's in Moscow still. The only reason he had to go, and on such short notice, is because he's the only one in his office with a current Russia visa, and it takes weeks to get one. His boss actually managed to get a rush visa, and is there too now.
KaceyCat



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 PostPosted: Thu Jun 12, 2014 3:25 am Reply with quote        
I am so freaked out at my guidance counselor for what she told me. Basically she said that because I failed band this year, Berklee could unaccept me. I HAD TO FOCUS ON CORE CLASSES OR ELSE I WOULD NOT GRADUATE AT ALL. In fact, here's a copy of an e-mail I sent to my Papa:

Quote:
Thank you, Papa. I wasn't sure really how to react when she said Berklee might unaccept me and rescind the scholarship, and then several other adults told me that. It took a lot not to snap at her and say she didn't know how badly all the medical stuff affected me. Sometimes it feels like they're just brushing it off now, like 'Ok, you're better, now just spring back to where you were!' while the people at Muhlenberg are saying it could take years before I'm mostly back to normal with stamina and all that. School kept saying that 'Oh, yes, we'll be lenient, we understand you had a hard time, but you have to push yourself.' Well guess what? I am pushing myself to be at the point I am, as pitiful as it may seem to more able-bodied, healthier people. Being as they are, not having gone through what I have, they don't have the right to judge me like that and say I'm slacking off and not trying.

What I've gone through has made grown men and women break down and cry and panic and succumb to depression, but I'm still here. Despite basically having all of my internal systems killed or heavily attacked, I still managed to get enough done to graduate. Yes, I'm bummed that I failed band, but I had to focus on core classes, or else I wouldn't graduate at all! To those who say I'm not trying, go ahead. You folks try what I just went through before I even reached 'adulthood'. Then you've earned the right to criticize me as you do.

Ahem, sorry, I kind of got carried away...Anyway, thank you Papa for sending this. It made me feel better.

~Kiki

KaceyCat



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 PostPosted: Fri Sep 19, 2014 4:08 pm Reply with quote        
Well...I can officially cross 'Attacked by a dog' off my bucket list. >.> Before you get worried, nothing too bad, nobody got seriously hurt.

I was walking my two corgis, Ein and Clancy. On the way back toward home, we were passing a house where one of my mom's friends used to live. (She'd moved out by now, it was someone else.) All of a sudden, while Ein stopped to sniff something, their front door opens and out come two huge pit bull mixes, no leashes or anything, barking and tearing across their yard to get at me and my dogs. Clancy-girl backed away and tried to run, even though I had her leash caught on my wrist. One of the dogs went straight for Ein, and the other just kinda stood there like it didn't know what to do. Ein, being Ein, fought back and tried to stay between them and Clancy and myself, as though he was protecting Clancy and me. Finally, the lady who'd let them out, a neighbor, and myself managed to get everybody separated. Ein got bit at the base of his ear and was bleeding up a storm. Got tangled in his fur and everything. (He's a fluffy-coat, so he's got collie-like hair.) He's fine though, no need for the vet. I got bit or scratched on the wrist in the fight, a long streak down the outside of my hand/wrist. Nothing too bad, but it freaking hurts.

I've always had issues with going out alone, because I just get nervous without a family member. Now, as stupid as it seems, I feel scared to go out alone.
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