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Post new topic   Reply to topic Asexual Romance
Lord Lucian



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 PostPosted: Sat Feb 09, 2013 10:50 pm Reply with quote        
I realise the title probably makes no sense, so let me elaborate with an example. I am completely asexual, to the point where I cannot even kiss someone without feeling mildly disgusted/uncomfortable. My boyfriend (yes, I do actually have one, more on that later) has a very low libido, so, while he is not completely asexual like myself, he is quite close.

We have been dating for a few months now, and ever since we started, I have been getting countless comments that it would never 'work' between us. This raises my first question: what is your interpretation of a relationship 'working' between two people? I personally think this is a matter of the people involved. For some people, a relationship 'working' involves sex. For others, such as myself, it involves an emotional bond rather than anything sexual.

I think I can say quite surely that I feel romantic attraction to my boyfriend; that I love him. People have told me that I don't, since I feel no sexual attraction to him, which brings me to my second question: do you think that there is a difference between love (romantic attraction in this case) and lust (sexual attraction in this case), or do you think the two just blur together into something that society knows as love? I personally think it is the former, but I'd love to hear everyone's opinions.

Also, do you think someone can 'grow out' of asexuality? I am very young by most people's standards. I consider myself old enough to date, and, for the most part, mature enough. There are, obviously, other people who disagree with this (the most prominent being my mother). The people who think that I am not old/mature enough to date also are generally (with a few exceptions here and there) the ones who say that I just think I am asexual because I am young, and that I'll grow out of it later on. I personally think this is mostly nonsense, since I believe asexuality to be something akin to homosexuality or heterosexuality; something you're born with. Sure, there may be exceptions here and there; there might be people who considered themselves asexual when in reality they just weren't 'ready' to date. For all I know, I may be such a person, and everyone who has been telling me I'm not old/mature enough to date could have been right all along. I personally don't think that is the case, though. I consider myself to be 'truly' asexual, and think that I will not 'grow out' of it. Do you guys think that it is possible to 'grow out' of asexuality or not?

Another factor I'm curious about hearing everybody's opinion on is whether gender identity or self-concept have an effect on libido/sexuality. I am transgender male, and, to be frank, I hate myself. I have struggled with severe issues with my body for quite a while, and have been borderline anorexic for about two years or so. To be simple, I cannot stand my body. My boyfriend says that may be a reason for why I am very asexual. I suppose that may be true, but personally, I think I'd be asexual whether I was female or male. Again, what are your opinions on this? Also, somewhat tying in with my questions in the previous paragraph, do you think someone would be able to 'grow out' of their asexuality if they were able to overcome their challenges? So, in my case, if I were to get a sex reassignment surgery and develop a more positive self-concept, for example.

Finally, do you think people would be able to hold a steady romantic relationship even if both or one of them were/was asexual? Would you even consider that a romantic relationship, or no? Personally, I think the answer to both questions is 'yes', but that's my opinion. I want to hear yours.

So, that's all I have to say.

~Lucian
Chu
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 PostPosted: Sat Feb 09, 2013 11:43 pm Reply with quote        
I had a friend back in high school who was asexual. Thing is, she was dating someone who was definitely heterosexual. It was a strange dynamic, and I would get really frustrated with her over it. It seemed like she dealt with him (I won't go into details, but it was a pretty bad situation) because she just wanted to be in a relationship with someone, not for sex, but for the emotional bond. It didn't seem like she thought she could have anyone else. I could never talk her out of it. Eventually, we stopped talking, and I don't know what happened to her or the guy.

But, obviously, that's a very different situation than yours. I think that as long as the two individuals are on the same terms, then the relationship can work. I still have trouble accepting monogamy and poly-amorous relationships... It conflicts with my personal values too harshly. However, even then, I think that as long as the two individuals are on the same page, things can work.

I can't really say whether asexuality can be grown out of. In the case of that friend, doctors said that her asexuality was due to a hormone imbalance, or something like that. She said that she took medication to balance it out, but it didn't really work that well. So, I really don't know if the hormone thing is accurate or not. I don't know whether someone can "grow out" of asexuality.

I know this sounds incredibly closed-minded, but I do think that some people cling to certain "trends" - and sadly, I think that sexual orientation has become somewhat of a trend. However, I certainly don't think that any form of sexuality is contrived. It's just that some young people tend to adopt terms and labels when they're trying to figure themselves out. Either way, I don't think that it's something that you're doing.

I'm a cis-gendered female, so it's difficult to imagine where you're coming from, but I'd imagine that being trans-gendered and hating your boy would create at least some degree of tension and sexual frustration in you. I think that it could turn you off of the idea of sex. However, I know nothing about what it's like to be trans-gendered, so again, I really don't know.

Strictly in terms of relationships, I don't think that sex is necessary for a healthy romantic relationship. Sternberg developed a triangular theory of love, suggesting that romantic relationships can consist of one, two, or all three of these elements: intimacy, passion, and commitment. Of course, I personally don't think that passion has to be strictly sexual, but here, that's what it is referring to. Relationships lacking in this "passion" are considered companionate love, like what you see in very old couples. The individuals are extremely close and entirely committed to each other - they just don't have the sexual consummation that other couples have.

I think that as long as you're happy, you can have any romance life that you want - as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else. So, if you're happy alone, then that's fine. If you're happy in an asexual relationship, that's fine too. And if you're happy with multiple partners, that's fine as well.

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 PostPosted: Mon Sep 23, 2013 5:17 am Reply with quote        
I believe that there is indeed a strong difference between a romantic relationship and a sexual one, and yes, you can be interested in a romantic relationship without being asexual, but you probably know your own sexuality better than anyone else, so don't listen to anyone who tells you that you don't.

I have a friend who is still working out their sexual and gender identity, and prefers gender-neutral pronouns. They've expressed interest in finding a soul mate, a romantic partner, but not a sexual one. Sure, this might be attributed to age, but have you spoken to any teenagers recently? To have low libido to the point where you believe yourself to be asexual, whether you settle on this judgement or not, is not something common in people who are "too young". It is something that someone who genuinely knows themselves on the inside would say, and I say good for you. You aren't too young to know yourself, and you aren't too young to know what you want.
Juneberry



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 PostPosted: Mon Sep 23, 2013 3:35 pm Reply with quote        
I can definitively understand what you're saying, as I'm a type of asexual as well. I'm going to be quite honest and blunt right now and come out here as a biromantic lesbian. I honestly can't think of kissing a guy without getting disgusted, but I've had romantic feelings for them more than just once. Romance and sex don't necessarily go hand in hand like many think. Like you, I've gotten the whole 'you'll be alone forever if you won't have sex' talk. A guy who liked me online gave it to me when I'd mentioned not having an interest in it. Some people only know how to show affection through sexual means, and that really is how some people are.

But it's not what love is. Love is an emotion, and for some, it is far easier to emotionally show it and feel it than others. For you, it isn't something that requires sex. And to be honest, I commend you for it.

There is a fine line between love and lust, in my opinion. While normally I'm a very black-and-white viewed person where it's one or the other, I think there's a definite spectrum. For some, love is only love and sex is just from lust. For others, sex and love blend together into a field of grey. To me, it's not just one or the other- both are correct. But that's just my opinion.

I don't think you 'grow out' of any type of sexuality, as I'm one who believes it's innate and something you're born with- but, I do believe it can change. There was a time where I didn't really notice the way I looked at girls, after all. And there was a time I wouldn't think twice about kissing a guy. But as my hormones changed and as I've grown, my personal romantic feelings and my sexual preferences seem to have grown and changed as well. Of course, there are other things that can play a part. Trauma, for example, can lead one who was once very sexual to being far from it. Thus, to me, it's not something that you just 'grow out of'. Asexuality surely isn't a phase. It is a part of you, but parts of us can change at times...So there may be some who it changes with, but it's certainly not something to just blow off as a phase.

Anywho, jumping to your next question...I know well that self concept and gender identity can affect libido and sexuality to soem extent. A lot of things can, in fact. If y ou don't feel good about yourself, you're far less likely to want to have a sexual relationship to begin with then, say, someone with high self esteem. And if you are already struggling with having a body you feel you shouldn't have, are you really going to want to do anything with it? But that doesn't mean changing the situation is going to make you want to have sex either. While you won't want to have sex if you don't like your body or yourself, if the idea of kissing disgusts you, it disgusts you. Your mind and heart don't change just because your (pardon my wording) genitals do. Sure, the hormone treatments might change your libido...But gross things are gross, you know? It's not like you're suddenly going to like brussel sprouts just because your body is the one you've been needing to feel like yourself finally.

Anyway, enough of my rambling. To cover your last questions without making too much of a rant like the rest of this post, I'm just going to write a blunt 'yes'. Romantic relationships can be had if you're asexual or if your partner is. Sure, it'll be harder for a partner who is on the sexual side if they have an asexual partner in some ways, but a relationship isn't just about sex. Love is an emotion, and it's generally the most vital thing in a relationship. A relationship without sex is still a relationship. A relationship without romantic interest and love? Well, you certainly aren't dating then.

Anyway, that's my feelings on the matter and I'll stop hounding your eyes with my long block of text. Sorry for the novella xP

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 PostPosted: Mon Sep 30, 2013 11:48 pm Reply with quote        
As a demisexual (and non-exclusively homoromantic) guy, I am disgusted when people say you can't have love without sex. Personally, I'm not sexually attracted to someone unless I'm romantically attracted to them first.

I used to think I was asexual, but as someone said earlier, that was only because I wasn't 'ready' for romance. Even now, I still find some people's (mostly guys') obsession with sex disgusting.

Addressing what Chu said about asexuality being caused by hormone imbalance: Such an 'imbalance' is often caused by your genetic make-up; it's not a disorder, it's how you were programmed ('you' in the general sense). Homosexuality is caused by a similar 'imbalance' determined before birth.

And Lucian, your thread title makes complete sense. Nice avatar, by the way.


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 PostPosted: Sun Jun 15, 2014 7:55 pm Reply with quote        
the way you look at yourself can affect the way you view sex. I know there are lots of studies on those with low self esteem, or who have been abused who go the opposite way of stereotypes and lose sexual attraction as a consequence, rather than seek it.

This is not to say that with self love you will become more attracted to sex.

I personally have known several people, who may not directly call themselves asexual, but who have very little interest n sex, if any at all. they very well could grow out of it, or continue just looking for emotional bonds.

My only issue with asexuality, isn't the impracticallity, as some people would think of it, of having to find others who feel the same low sexual drive, but in having a hard way to define where the difference between friends and lovers would lie. I love to have people sleep in mi bed with me. it doesn't matter gender, and I don't necessarily need a relationship that is sexual for it. I grew up from a young age having mi male and female friends sleep in mi bed, and grew up kissing them all on the cheeks when they made me smile, and being ultimately, very close. And I know people who witness it have trouble distinguishing mi friendsships, and things that are more. And I think that asexuality would bring the same thing, except in your mind, rather than what other people think. Like how would you find the difference? Unless Im cancelling out to much, as I imagine very little personal touch, that is intimate, which may be different definitions.

But if you honestly feel that you don't want/desire sex, and that you are asexual, but still emotionally bonded to a person, then power to you for finding someone who is ok with this as well, that is very fortunate and beautiful Smile

Although, the fact that you are disgusted by intimate sexual things like kissing, isn't necessarily asexul, as it seems to be more about just not having the interesting. although again this is not to say that you aren't asexual, I don't want to appear to be questioning that, but it might be something you might want to discuss in therapy/counceling, just to get an idea of yourself, and ways to love yourself, and your body. Even if it doesn't affect your desire to have sex, it might make it a more positive tought, to at least elimnate the "disgust" you mentioned.

I word things, awkwardly, so I hope that you take nothing I say offensively Smile
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