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Post new topic   Reply to topic Loss and Acceptance
Sly
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 PostPosted: Thu Jan 24, 2013 2:07 am Reply with quote        
Recently (as in within the last month) my grandmother on my mother’s side was diagnosed with terminal cancer; she was given six months to live on the upside of the estimate. I like to think that I have come to terms with the reality of the whole situation pretty well, but at times I still find myself getting a bit depressed. I know that’s normal and to be expected, but still I try to keep a level head about things. The thing is, that at first it all seemed too surreal to even grieve, and for the first week I knew about it I couldn’t even cry.

As time goes by, I find myself more able to acknowledge the situation, but as I do so I feel myself sinking further into the hole that my grandmother’s absence in my life will inevitably cause. I realize that these feelings are part of the normal grieving process, but I’m not so good at deciding what to do with these feelings themselves. See, while I’m overall a very expressive person and usually cool and logical about things like death and loss, I find it hard to be so objective where someone very close to me is involved; my grandmother has always been one of the closest people in my life since I was a very young child. I also feel a little guilty about how sad this makes me, because I keep thinking that I got to have her around for 25 years, which seems like a lot longer than some people get to have their grandparents around; also, there’s the fact that I’m “just: a granddaughter, I keep thinking that she has a husband of nearly 50 years and three daughters who have more right to miss her than I do; I know that sounds sort of absurd, but there it is…it’s just how I feel.

I guess I’m creating this thread just as a means to vent, and also to ask for any advice anyone may want to give on how to deal with loss or feelings of grief. As I said: I’m 25 and this is really the first time I’ve had to deal with losing anyone close to me. I want to thank you if you read this, and thanks in advance for any discussion you choose to offer on this topic. On that note, I’ve written a poem for my grandmother as a means to help, not only myself, but my family and to show how much I care. I’ll leave it here, in this post. It may not be any good, and it may not make sense but it did help me to write it…. Sweat


Grandma
A sarcastic smile adorning an ageless beauty
Soft words spoken in comfort amidst a certain haughty air
A gentle strength and tender toughness
A guide who has always been there
A beacon of love and giving who never took any grief
A wise old soul full of practicality and belief
These things describe you well, it’s very true
Yet they are intangible, just vague ideas
And not nearly all of what makes you you
You are warm, fuzzy socks and woolen blankets
A million teapots and other trinkets
You are bills in a box and precise record keeping
A well-read book and cup of tea when the rest of the house is sleeping
You are resigned tolerance
And more-than-willing love
One of those rare gifts sent from up above
You are daytime talk shows and inspirational TV
Dear to all who know and love you
Not the least of which is me
You are family dinners and misheard phrases
Sometimes even diet fads and other silly crazes
You are imperfect and amazing
A brilliant star made for gazing
If God wants his angel back all he need do is ask
Because God knows that being an angel on Earth was never an easy task.

Chu
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 PostPosted: Thu Jan 24, 2013 1:52 pm Reply with quote        
You can talk about this as much as you need to. The grieving process is difficult, especially when it brings out depression along with it.

Adam's (my boyfriend) great grandmother just passed this week, and his family has been struggling quite a bit with it. I don't know the full details of the situation, but I know that she was diagnosed with terminal cancer as well. She held out just long enough to say what she wanted to everyone, and she wanted to meet her newest great grandchild; after that, she passed.

It's certainly difficult to deal with the loss of such a close person in your life. Adam wasn't incredibly close with her, but his empathy got the best of him and he struggled to cope with the feelings of family members around him. His great grandmother passed pretty quickly, though. She didn't struggle with the pain for long.

Your poem is beautiful. I made the mistake of reading it in class though, haha. It made me tear up. I think that your family will love it.

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Sly
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 PostPosted: Thu Jan 24, 2013 11:55 pm Reply with quote        
Thank you for reading and replying, Chu. Bouncy Heart While this is hard, my family met with my grandmother's hospice care company today and discussed some things and now I feel a bit better knowing she'll be well taken care of and surrounded by her family in her last days.

My one hope (if I have a right to hope such things) is that she'll beat the odds and survive long enough to meet her first great-grandchild, as I think it would mean a lot to her; my cousin is expecting and due in late July or early August. It may not be likely, but I'm still hopefull.

At this point, she doesn't seem to be in much pain and I'm very greatful for that; I just want her last days to be as comfortable and enjoyable as possible.

Thanks for the compliment, by the way. I've yet to read the poem to anyone but my mother yet, but she liked it and I plan to share it with the rest of my family whenever they've got the time. It made me cry to write it, but it was sort of a good cry, if that makes any sense.... Sweat

neomattlac



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 PostPosted: Fri Jan 25, 2013 2:13 am Reply with quote        
First off, that's a really awesome poem.
As for me, I never handled loss well. More than that, I never accepted it, and I stopped accepting people into my life to avoid losing them.
I think a large portion of it is that I never understood death the same as other people. To me, and my parents would kill me if they heard this, a person is like a very intricate clock. Things turn here and there. Things can go wrong and it can stop working as well. If it's well maintained, it can last for a long time, but at some point it will break down. And one day, it'll just stop working and become just a solid thing.
To me, death is life leaving a body. Why should you miss someone anyways? They have always left me with good memories. Sure, I wish I could have learned a bit more from them, and I wish I could have more memories with them, but it's not going to change anything.
As a child(between 2nd and 4th grade), my mind came up with the clockwork metaphor, when my Pop-pop and dog died right around the same time. It was the last time I remember truly being sad enough to cry.

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Sly
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 PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2013 11:42 pm Reply with quote        
Thank you for replying, neo. I meant to say something before, but I've been a bit busy with things lately.

I'm sometimes sad enough to cry and recently I really have been; my grandmother passed away two days ago and I've been preparing for her wake/funeral...it all seems sort of surreal sometimes, like I still expect to see her walk down the hallway from her bedroom in the mornings when I'm at her house. I feel terrible for my grandfather who just breaks down and cries sometimes. Sad Even still, I'm trying hard to remember the good things and celebrate my grandma's life as much as possible.

I read my poem to her right after I wrote it, and she really enjoyed it and asked that I read it at her funeral; I really dread doing this, but I will for her. :/

Chu
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 PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2013 11:53 pm Reply with quote        
I'm so sorry, Sly...

It's good that you can be there with your grandfather. Being together, with the rest of your family, must make the grieving process a lot easier to deal with. You'll get closure as some time passes too. Just remember to take care of your family and, as I said before, take care of yourself.

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Seras



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 PostPosted: Sun Mar 03, 2013 5:16 pm Reply with quote        
It is sad that your grandma is going through a tough time with terminal cancer. So I really wish for her that her life will not be in vain.

However, what makes me more sad is that many people take a lot of things for granted. They are many people who are suffering with these types of cancers and yet the rich don't even bother to help the needy.

But when something tragic happens to them, they expect sympathy being brought to them when they never even bothered to shed a tear for those that are more unfortunate than they.

But overall, I hope that your grandmother is kept safe.
Amaris Kale



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 PostPosted: Sun Mar 03, 2013 8:08 pm Reply with quote        
That poem is beautiful Sly, and I'm really sorry to hear abut your Grandma.
It must be awful for her husband, and her children, but it's also awful for you, and the best you can do is to try to support each other because it'll be a tough time for you all.
If writing helps you, if you can, do that (especially if it's helping your family too) if it's hard to express how you feel another way you can do something creative to help yourself properly come to terms with how you feel.
I hope you find something to help you through Bouncy Heart

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Sly
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 PostPosted: Sun Mar 03, 2013 11:30 pm Reply with quote        
Thank you for your kind words of support, seras and Amaris Kale. Bouncy Heart

seras: I know that my grandma had a good life and overall nothing about it was in vain. She raised a fantastic, loving family and was very strong right up until the end; I'm so happy that I got a chance to be close with such a strong and loving person. She was also very giving, which makes me wish I could have given more than her; still, I hope she knew I loved her...I certainly know she loved me.

Amaris: Thank you for the compliment and your sympathy. What made me feel the best about that poem is my grandma heard it right before she passed and asked (or rather, told haha) me to read it at her funeral; I did that and everyone there loved it and told me how much it sounded just like her and I like to think it comforted them all in some small way. That's the best thing about using art, writing, or something creative to cope: it can help others as well as yourself. I always rely on my creativity to get through tough times and hopefully I can help others this way too.

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