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Mingxia



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 PostPosted: Wed Sep 07, 2011 11:13 pm Reply with quote        
Is this the right forum? XD

Anywho...
Hello, I'm Xia!
At the moment I am attempting (yes, attempting) to write a story.
I would love a rate out of 10 and critiques :D

So, here is the beginning of my story (I haven't done much, haha):




A stream of light shone eerily through the window, piercing down blissfully as if sent from the heavens above. It was the only noticeable light source in the room, and also the only thing unadulterated inside the chamber. Something else in this besmirched room had once been proper. It had once been apt and angelic.

Had once been… this meaning it was no longer so.
*



Uh, that's it for the moment D:
Rate? c:
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Chu
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 PostPosted: Mon Nov 14, 2011 2:23 pm Reply with quote        
Hi, Mingxia. I've moved this thread into The Storybook because this is where personal work is meant to be posted.


Anywho, onto the critique...

I like it, so far. Out of ten, I guess I'd give it a... nine? (I'm terrible with scales.) The only real "critique" that I have is that it seems a little wordy. I write in a similar style to you, so it's hard for me to really critique, but some people get kind of lost in long, eloquent sentences. But I say, if it's your style, then stick with it! I do, anyway. ;p Have you written anything else since you first posted? I'm pretty interested to see what else you have. Smile

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 PostPosted: Mon Dec 12, 2011 6:26 pm Reply with quote        
edit;; woops this is a little late .___.

I'm a harsh critique so don't take this personally. Usually I try to be more careful in my critiques, but this is far too short for me to do so, so I will have to get right to the nasty bits. If you want a more polite critique, I'd suggest adding more substance to the story Soft Smile.

6/10

Beautiful words, but they sound a little forced. Specifically

Quote:
Had once been… this meaning it was no longer so.


I really dislike that line. It's not even proper English, really. Perhaps, "It had once been apt and angelic. But though it had once been, it was no longer so."

Also avoid the use of ellipsis to try and seem mysterious. That contributes a lot to the forced feeling.

Quote:
A stream of light shone eerily through the window, piercing down blissfully as if sent from the heavens above.

Something can't really be eery and blissful at the same time, it skews the connotations of both the words and makes it seem like you were just putting pretty sounding vocab into the sentence to make it... well, pretty. But unfortunately, comprehension needs to be a higher priority than pretty-ness.

Quote:
It was the only noticeable light source in the room, and also the only thing unadulterated inside the chamber.


If you want to sound eloquent, avoid transitions like "and also" or "and then," etc. Perhaps even just, "...in the room, the only thing unadulterated inside the chamber."


I also really like making my writing eloquent, but like I said before, an eloquent style is one of the easiest styles to fall into the "obviously trying too hard" trap.

I suggest reading Virginia Woolf, I try to emulate the use of her rhythmic and poetic sentences while retaining my own kind of style. But I personally believe she is one of the best poetic prose authors to learn from.

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