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Post new topic   Reply to topic It's Personal
Chu
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 PostPosted: Mon Mar 28, 2011 8:19 pm Reply with quote        
Short backstory: I went through a lot this winter and had to leave my high school because of resulting anxieties. However, I want people to understand things a little more clearly, without being told flat out what happened. I was in a creative writing class where I was trying to acquire a taste for poetry, so I wanted to write a poem for them to analyze, so that they can decide for themselves what happened while I'm still expressing the truth in the most toned-down way I can. I want to be heard without demanding attention - does that make sense? However, I'm terrible at poetry, so I need help. Some things that I'd like to keep/express:
-Dissonance through an inconsistent rhyming scheme - is this acceptable as long as it has meaning?
-The gradual escalation from the role of "father" - biological - to "Father" - ruler
-Personal connection - my ex, who I put through a lot because of this, is also in that class, and I want a message to reach him while still not alienating the rest of the class
-A feeling of "stumbling" - as if the reader is trying to grapple with reality along with me
-A balance between subtlety and bluntness - I want to flow from being obscure and misleading to frightening the reader with my honesty in a way that leaves them questioning whether they got the full story or not

So, please offer constructive criticism. This is very important to me. I've worked on this as much as I can with my pre-existing talent, but I feel like it's far from decent. I'm just terrible at poetry! (Oh, and it's five pages long. /facedesk)


Do you need a story?
A scene?
A play?
Is this so unbearable
That you need some cliché?

I’m so sorry.
Dear Lord,
Not again.
I can’t offer
What you want.
Oh, where to begin?

I’m probably
Stuck in the past
Or maybe just
Too much like “me”
Because I just can’t
Give you
Some simple soliloquy.

I may get
Just a bit
Too personal.

Although, not quite as dire
As my mother’s first marriage
To nothing more than a liar.
I have a brother –
Had a brother –
Would have a brother –
He’s gone now, you see?
With some other,
Probably better-off
Family.

Oh, wait,
That was
Too personal.

Let’s skip ahead;
Forget the years,
Skipped, sometimes cut,
Or the half-lit scenes
That I think are too much.
I’m sure there’s
Nothing
Too useful there.

Except for daddy,
Dear daddy, reading books.
101 Dalmations –

But, I don’t
Remember
Any others
Between the broken
Bottles
And yelps
And the police
And the shouts –
“Oh, dear Lord, help!”

Is that
Getting a little
Too personal?

Well, it’s easily
Forgotten,
So let’s move along.
I remember mommy
Singing beautiful songs.

Although as a child,
Listening to those
Sweet words,
I never quite noticed
The choked cries
Or dead birds –
Recurring –
Haunting –
Why the dead birds?

No, no,
I have pretty minds
To appease,
With old board games like
Monopoly,
Scrabble,
Give him a strip tease.

No, wait,
Silly me,
That was just
A turn to take.

Oh, Daddy,
You and your
Friends.

I almost
Feel
Too personal.

Things are so raw
As a child;
You feel everything
As it is,
Without the lens,
Or the mild-
Mannered ways
Of saying,
“I hate you;
Get out of my face.”

I’m sorry,
Mommy, but
Your face
Reminded me
Of His.

And you
Always did say,
“He’ll be back
Next week.”
Every single day –
For months.

Can we please
Just move on?
It’s far
Too personal.

Does it surprise you
That romance
Changed it all?
That my first love
Broke that fall
From the arms of my Father
Into the dreaded thrall?

And how I wish
I could end it right here
And tell you that,
Year after year,
He’s making me better
By lending a kind ear.

But as you
Already know –
I’m too personal.

And so things
Carried along,
With kisses and hugs,
And “our” favorite song.

“When you’re lying next to me…”

I’m sorry that
I never told you,
But sometimes,
I can’t breathe.
Is it love?

But what about
Making love,
When I can’t
Look you in the eye?
Am I really that shy?

I don’t want you
To touch me –
And I’m not ticklish
Or horny, you see –
I feel afraid.

Let’s carry on,
Because the sex is great,
The games are fun,
And, after all,
There’s an image to make.

And, I know that I’m
Too personal
For the likes of you,
So you didn’t have a clue,
Did you?

“There’s no place I’d rather be.”

When something
Shifted
And I felt like my
Past
Was suddenly wrong,
I couldn’t help it.
So I’m very sorry
For not being that strong.

And this isn’t meant for
You,
Or her,
Or him,
But rather, myself;
The child within.

I protected her
With lies
And deceit –
Shadowed faces,
Soundless names and cries,
And countless empty ages.

But I can’t help but wonder
What life she would have,
If only she hadn’t
Forgotten
About dear old Dad?

I need to stop now.
This is all,
Unforgivably,
Too personal.

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KoyiTar



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 PostPosted: Mon Mar 28, 2011 9:14 pm Reply with quote        
My Dear Chu I believe you achieved your goal. Because though I have read your thread on this matter and gave you some feed back I am still probably not privy to the entire story. This does however tell it without revealing to much and leaving you feeling as if you might have missed something along the way but it was a message none the less.

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Chu
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 PostPosted: Mon Mar 28, 2011 9:23 pm Reply with quote        
Thank you for the quick feedback, Koyi.

I'm thinking of removing the bit about my brother, because it feels like it's more of my mom's business than my own, and if she kept it from me for seventeen years, she surely wouldn't want me sharing it with my peers.

I actually feel like most of the beginning of this poem was just me getting into the groove of things, so it could be removed. Although, I'm afraid of removing something potentially important.

It was the first poem that I had written since my eighteenth birthday - when I opened up to my friends about my dad's alcoholism and abuse. Before that, I hadn't written one in years. So, this was difficult to start, especially with the pressure of knowing that so many people are going to read it. Believe it or not, I don't like spreading so much information around. I guess it's easier knowing that I never have and likely never will meet most of you, heh.


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