I need help.

[ecco]

lies, chu, lies >.< we all have times of fragility and vulnerability - those are the times we need the help of others, and sometimes, that means taking other's advice on what is best for you.

i mean believe me... when my doctor cut across me and told me he was prescribing me anti-depressants - i totally tensed up and froze cos it was the last thing i wanted to hear. i'm terrified of becoming addicted to prescription drugs. but i trusted his word... took them... and they REALLY help. i was unstable, emotionally - i was either high as a kite to the point i couldn't make rational decisions, or so low that i couldn't make any decisions at all because i just stop functioning.

but i did what he said. and i continued seeing my counsellor until i moved to london. and i'm so much better off for it.. sometimes we just need to trust someone else with our wellbeing. it doesn't make you a nutcase and it doesn't make you any less of who you are - being able to trust others and to accept help/advice is a strength, not a weakness.

[Chu]

I guess you're right... It just hurts my pride to fall so far. I've always been pretty capable but now it feels like all of that power and responsibility has just been... stripped from me.

I need to go to that counselor. My therapist was assigned to me through school, so she's wanting me to focus on that. Not the best thing to do right now.

[ecco]

mm. yes. i guess it depends on how that therapist is tied to the school... my counsellor was through college originally, but she was very un-biast. education is important so it makes sense that they put some focus on it, but it's better if they are able to say that it's not always the priority.

hmm. you should try looking at it differently - you say it hurts your pride to fall so far, but given the circumstances i'm pretty sure most people would react similarly - it's people that are willing to accept help that should be proud, anyway. i know SO many people that have a ton of issues, yet no matter how many times or how many ways you and everyone else try to help them, they will find some way to stay miserable and refuse to cooperate, and wonder why they still feel so shitty. asking for help is a big, good step in the right direction.

[Chu]

I know that school is important, but I can get my diploma just the same online. I wouldn't have credit for my advanced classes (this year) but still. It just feels like... The only reason I'm going to school right now is for my family, so they can experience the traditional graduation. I'm doing it for them, very similarly to the past, when I did it for my dad. It feels wrong, and disgusts me, but at the same time, I just got these people back into my life. I can't bare to lose them again! I don't want to disappoint or upset them.

I guess that's true. I just can't shake the feeling though, you know?

[ecco]

yea, i know what you mean. mindsets you've had for years are very difficult to change..

i think you should talk to your family about it. maybe they wont be as disappointed or upset as you think? they might rather you were happier than keep you in school for the sake of traditional graduation.

[kerryfox]

It isn't as odd, there is less risk with talking to people this way.

[evercharmer]

I think you need to think of what's best for you, and look at what you want to do, not at what your family wants you to do. You should talk to them; I think they'll understand if you do.

[neomattlac]

Cara, you shouldn't be going to college just for your parents. You need to do it for you. Do something you enjoy. I can understand finishing it if you are where you are only a year or less from graduating, but if that is the case, you should finish it in person. Unfortunately, the best idea would be to change your major to something you absolutely enjoy. If you have any questions or want to talk, feel free to pm me. I reply very quickly to pm's.

[DrunkenShark]

I won't lie to you: my advices are too often hoovering over "crap" and "ugh, does she thinks she's in TV land?". I always come up with the worst idea and most impossible thing you can hear, especially when, as in this case, I have perhaps no clue of what your life can be.
I never had family trouble since I'm from a family of 5 with caring parents: I am biaised evaluating my own father but my mother had a depressive and always absent father as well as a mother that would build her life around lies, cheap and mean lies. Because of that, my mother taught us what her own mother wouldn't teach her own kids: honesty, hardwork and voicing up our emotions or at least disagreements. We bicker, but it's never serious, as my mother and her siblings holds rancid grunges behind hypocrital masks...

--- my real advice after this, feel free to read the part between or not as you wish

My worst drama were study related: wanted from 10 y-o to 17 y-o to bad physician, wanted so not only because I liked human anatomy but because I had the illusion you can't be happy with a job that doesn't pay you good money, and physician was one that'd pay the most. Illusion I kept on even though I knew I was bad in math (no matter how important I know math is in science... Yeah, love science but sucks in math: I feel like a colorblind painter <_<). Illusion I created for myself: my parents never put as much pressure as the stereotypical asian parents do, at some point my father even tried to convince me I had to change my mind on becoming a doc with maths that barely passed (yeah, not even as if I failed my classes) My only depression was when my work centered mind thought my life was ruined because I couldn't get the grades for medschool...

I'm a loner that doesn't ressent it. Being kid, my friends were mostly a few "school friends" I'd never miss out of school and I'd lost when we'd move (lived in 4 diff. houses and 3 different cities when I was between 3 and 10 years old). Friends that hanged on me and wanted to see me more often than once a week out of school time would quickly annoy me and I'd subtly tried to get released from their suffocating friendship, all this while being to nicest girl around. I've gotten worst lately: I have internet friends, I mean them well, I am very loyal when they are around, but like a toddler: when they get out of my sight, I don't miss them. I haven't met an IRL friend since last summer, since I study away I see my family once a month... But I don't feel it... I'd like to have a man, but unless I come across one at random, the need is nothing more than "Yum, chocolate could be good... oh, no choc' left.. well too bad, what can I say, I'll live without"

I tried mutilations and self indulced pain a few time. But not even out of sadness or angst. Once out of anger I burned myself over the sternum... yet I had taken the time to get a paperclip, twisted it with tools so it had a better shape, heated the metal and pressed it with care at the spot that felt interesting to decorate. I took the time to take care of the burn as if it was some accidental burn. I had burned myself accidently months before this, I had first aid class; everything had been calculated, planned, I knew I was in no risk and that it would probably heal fast and leave barely no scar. Anger was an excuse, first this anger was more like concern for a brother I did not know how to express, mixed with my sick frigid opinion on work and life (one of my brother quitted school and quitted work, I was afraid he'd waste his life, stupid from me, right? Now I understand better but still...) Planning to burn myself, than taking care of the burn, then watching the scar heal would just change my mind. I added one more burn to my arm with the same paperclip, then really recently I added more over my heart (how cheesy) part because of procrastination and study related stress, but also part because my previous burns were not visible enough for my liking. I also punched walls; not too hard at first because I did not wanted to break the little bones in my wrist, I only wanted to get my pain tolerance better, in case I'd have to fight or something one day. One day I punched harder then I intended (took 6 months of boxing classes and I was already thinking myself as such a bad mofo) and probably got a few harline fractures in a bone in my right fist. The part of my fist at the middle finger level became blue and a looked bloated for a week or two. I would flex it often and pretend it did not hurt. When it healed, the bone of my right fist became thicker and more resistant to pain; it reminded me biology classes I had about this and would from time to time keep hitting hard surfaces, Never too hard, never too abrasive for the skin, taking calculated risks again and being all proud and happy thinking about a simple thing: if I ever throw my right hook at someone's face, I won't feel a thing and this someone will sure feel the bone of his... I tested my so called fist with small tentative jabs to my cheek bones never hard enough to do more than a barely visible bruise, I tried on my right side of my lip a few time too to feel it swell a little, still wearing a mouthpiece to keep my teeth from breaking...

Yet I don't get into fight, I don't like when people get hurt IRL (in fiction it's different, but IRL I hate seeing people hurt), I don't think I am masochist since being in pain does not arouse me and often annoys me as hell (it's more like curiousity and testing carefully my limits... although bruises feels good <_<). I'm being really strict to myself and I am obsessed over the idea of being ready to defend my life even if there is abselutly nothing dangerous in it anyway. It's like I was trying to live some sports (I do sports, I mean sports as in action) or get feelings without really looking for danger... Like I was feeling a sea of my own "I don't care"

-----
I hope you had a bitter laugh reading this and seeing how much I have no idea what real emotival turmoil and physical pain feel like... It prove my point I know nothing about real problems (hell I'm making up mines haha, I'm such a crazy cold bitch) and I probably seem to you like a really horrible selfish person by using your forum to say all this about myself...

But the thing is, with my zero expertise on the matter, I noticed something: you are in the middle of a puddle of poison. A poison that sticked and creeped and seeped into you; not to corrupt you, but to make you feel broken for not being corrupted. It's like seeing one of those graceful sea birds glue down and dying in oil spilled in the ocean. But all this black deadly oil and this ghastly poison doesn't come from you and was never caused by you!
I was never what you asked for and never what you deserved!
You can't stay in this huge puddle of poisonous goo forever, trying to clean it from the inside and only from the soiled water around you; oil can't be brushed off with oil, and the longer you stay the more it kills you.

The only way to wash it off is to go out of the puddle and find a spot of clean water, find the right people with their soft cleaning products that only care about you. And once you get all clean, only then can you think of taking care of the puddle, from out of it, slowly, warely so you won't fall back in...

I don't know how old you are, how much cash you got in your bank account, and I remembered you said hating being around strangers, but I only feel like you need to get the hell out of there. Suscribe to another school far away, try getting into a residence or this kind of building (you get your own life, own peace, and when you need to see people you get out of your room and find many, when you have enough of them you can get right back to your room).

Your mother and aunt are quite probably really really strong women, but by not understanding your pain, yelling at you and keeping horrible secrets, they also got stuck in that awful poisonous swamp of despair. They also got stuck against their will but sank in because they stopped trying to get out as badly as they could have tried.
As for your father, I'm sorry to say that and you might as well hate my right now, but he is the biggest part of this oily killer goo. He is the one sucking you in and destroying you! You think you are hurting yourself, but the simple thought of him is hurting you.

By being the one that can come in your life and leave it whenever he wants, he is the one violating your being and smashing your dream. He is the one failing you, it's not the other way around.

You should be the one that leaves the house, you should be the one that is missing and has control over it. You should stop watching at an empty screen and start making and directing your own movies... By avoiding your father's toxic presence and knowing there is no chance he's going to show up and take everything you have ever again, only then you'll be truly with yourself. Far from the bitch at school, far from everything that made you miserable.
You'll be living for yourself, all your so caring and kind heart all to yourself for as long as you want it. You'll focus on what you like, you'll discover people and life all over again yet with your very own pace and your own HQ, your safe house. You'll see how much only the act of finding a good shop or a good little theater to go to in a new town is a challenge, yet how proud this simple things can be when you succeed. Everything becomes little challenges that occupies your mind and keep it away from bad memory (sometimes only shopping for food and trying to find out wich bread is the best can make you forget everything else, like a magical brainwash)...
For your mom, siblings and aunt, if you are certain they are doing well and not being poisonned too, you'll see how much better it feels to meet them again: knowing you can't see them as often, it,s like you enjoy more the good times you get togheter... If you think that it doesn't work, you can make yourself feel amazingly generous by grating them a few e-mails, letters and phone calls from time to time. You can have great time inviting them over if you want and great pride showing them the cute little store you found all by yourself. And if things are tense with them, you still are far from the poison puddle, in the safe spot your building up for yourself only.


I'm not saying run away right awat right now if you can't, but the only solution I see in this is to get away from the bad memories until they become dark spot in your mind that only teaches you what NOT to do instead of torturig you... If you keep your departure in mind and plan it until you can really leave, it will even add you something to hang on to, some more hope.
But remember this: poison kills, maybe real slow but it does. And before even thinking about healing yourself, you have first to break all contact with it.

There... you can call me a bitch who just don't get it, but please, even if we are both strangers from the internet, don't wait until it's too late: keeping those things to yourself hurts and saying it here relieves a little, same thing for taking action... You waited long enough and waiting did not work and won't start to magically work all out of sudden.
Just be sure to do something before it's too late, for all it worth, I don't want to lose you.

[Chu]

It's funny, when I read your first sentence I prepared myself for the worst, but I didn't find your post harsh or offensive at all. You may not have been through exactly what I have or anything, but sometimes it's nice to have a fresh opinion on the situation. Thank you for your thoughtful post. (And I didn't mind at all that you talked about yourself. I actually found your story intriguing.)

I'm eighteen, and still in high school for the record.

I know you're right. I'm... young; naive. I was still living in the childlike fantasy that if I stayed in my own little bubble, being a good girl and everything, then the rest of the world couldn't touch me.

I don't know why, because I've always had a very realistic perspective on things when I was looking at others and the world around them. I guess I was just THAT withdrawn.

Anyway, distance and solitude may help me, but I think that may be a little bit down the road. Even though my mom and aunt treated me like crap in the past - and still do the same things sometimes today - they care, but they just don't know how to handle this. I still have others anyway. While I'm in counseling, I'm going to focus on more personal things. I'll do things that make me happy, like analyzing literature and writing. I might even learn more about astrology. I'll have my solitude in a way - I'll be doing my own thing - but I'll still have other people to fall back on. When I have more strength and direction, I'll try to take another step forward.

Am I still in TV land? DX Now I'm paranoid of falling back into that idealistic mindset. I'm just afraid to take steps that are too big for me.

[neomattlac]

Chu - Sometimes an idealistic mindset isn't all bad, but most of the time it isn't. It can help you keep a positive view if you are a major pessimist.
Anyways, I think focusing on what you like, and what makes you happy, is actually very important at your age, as it may lead you to something new, even if it is that dreaded big step. Most of the time that dreaded step is actually just what you need to fix your problem.

DrunkenShark - Bravo. Impressive use of metaphors and similes.
You actually made me want to make a movie when you said that.
My school is awesome when it comes to that. I am not into video production, but you can rent cameras, tripods, lights, boom mics, shotgun mic, clip on mics, extension cords, tapes, etc from the school at no cost, and they have video editing software, and people to help you with it.
As for the anger in there, it reminded me of myself, only I kept it completely pent up. I've thought about burning myself at times, just because I can, but I got burnt enough learning to cook that I didn't want to. I would occasionally scratch myself hard enough to feel the pain, but not nearly enough to draw blood. And I've always wanted scars on my back. I have a thing for scars. It shows power? Not the right word. Manliness isn't the word either. I'm sure you know what I mean.

And sometimes I realize that I am in a dream world. I often tell people I want to just grab them and hug them, and I really do, but I have a thing about touching people I don't really know. It makes me... fidget, nervous, apprehensive, etc. I just don't know how to respond right to physical contact. Hugs, kisses, holding hands, etc, just doesn't work unless someone else "forces" me or coerces me to it. After the first time I'm fine. It just that I really respect the people around me and I don't want to mess up their image of me. Whatever, you get the idea. I want to make friends, but can't get close.
Also, strangely, about once a month or so I get loaded on testosterone(for some reason. I can't figure out why, but other guys have told me that they have experienced the same thing) and have to watch myself that I don't punch a wall or start fighting someone, but that same apprehensiveness stops me from doing it.

Chu again - You might want to go into studying that final paragraph's phenomenon as you senior project. There is a scholarship, a big scholarship, for high school seniors for breakthrough projects like that.
I'll try to find the scholarship, but I remember it was quite a big one.

[Chu]

I'm usually quite the idealist - not the optimist though. Regardless, it's pretty hard to actually get me into the whole "the world is working against me" mindset.

I never really started admiring scars until I took a good look at my body and imagined them on my stomach and legs. Something seemed incredibly sexy about that thought, and ever since, I've liked them.(I've never intentionally harmed or marked myself, of course.)

Physical contact used to really intimidate me, especially around men. (Never knew why until the repressed memory shit.) After I started dating Sam, I really didn't mind it much though. I really enjoyed being around other people, able to touch them. I don't know how I am with physical contact now, of course. Probably way worse off. I haven't actually touched anyone in a while, now that I think about it.

I'm sorry, studying what exactly? D:

[neomattlac]

The scholarship is for studying physiology and psychology.
Its basically paying you to give them access to your research and allowing them to literally buy it off of you and further the research yourself.
I still can't remember where I saw it.
I am studying computer science, but I'm not sure I want to do that. I mean, I'm good at it, but nor something I want to do forever.
Problem is that I can think of only what I have studied and everything else is hard for me to see.