Its been awhile...

[neomattlac]

So, it's been awhile since I've ranted. I'm kind of iffy about it since y'all "know" me, but I'm going to do it. You'll see why I was iffy in a few.
Anyways, I'm really old fashioned when it comes to girls and stuff, and yet there are still things I won't do, just because I'm too shy to.
I hold doors open for girls, I always stay quiet until spoken to, make polite conversation if it gets quiet, etc.
I wear dress shirts all the time.
Anyways, my problem starting at shyness but runs much deeper.
I am afraid to talk most of the time, because I am constantly thinking about what people think of me. It also gives me a lot of time to think. And there's only one person who I talk to about it and one person I might talk to about it. The first person is my twin brother and, until recently, I really believed into the good and bad twin thing because I am pervy and he's about as innocent as they come. In a bad way. He, too, is shy. Anyways, he went away last weekend and came home with somethin... unsavory... It seemed so out of character for him, but i was proud to see he wasn't just that awkward innocent guy.
Anyways, we'll talk theory, but every once in awhile we'll come to topics we won't discuss because they are either awkward or we totally disagree about.
Sometimes I think I am crazy. Not just like most people crazy, but seriously crazy. For example, sometimes I'll start to feel light headed and wonder if this world is real and consider doing something absolutely ridiculous and sometimes dangerous, but then my "what will others think" mentality kicks in and stops me. And I ocasionally wonder if I could be the anti-Christ. I know it sounds crazy, but if you think about it, you gotta admire that guy. He brings together countries that have been at war for millennial.
I have evil twinges sometimes. Really evil. Like, one time in a darkroom, there was a girl, that I had liked since elementary school, but we were from different cliques so it would never work, leaning over the developer and I really thought of raping her. That's probably the most extreme one. I often have "I wonder what she would do if I just..." moments.
And I'm not going to a psychologist or anything, because a) my dad hasa degree in psychology and I think a lot of it is bull, and can be proved so, and b) the whole "what would others think?" thing.
I also sometimes scratch myself or something just because I feel like it.
I also like scars. It seems strange, but I do.
And I have always found all women beautiful. Particularly ones with clean/clear skin. Big or small never really affected me much. Maybe because a lot of my family is big.
Theres another thing. I know I NEED to lose weight or I'm going to be dead by 40, but thats not a good enough excuse for me to lose weight. The only time I am really motivated is if I promise someone something. I almost always fulfill promises no matter what, because otherwise I feel guilty. I mean, if I just had someone who I had made a serious promise with and I saw them everyday, I would most probably do my best to watch what I eat and exercise.
I suck with girls. I think there's this girl in class that likes me, but I'm not sure if she does or not. She's one of those really preppy, kind of popular types. Anyways, she's really nice to me, and talks to me a bit, but I don't know if she actually likes me or not. And I'm afraid to ask her out because I don't want to make myself out to be one of those creeps who think you love them because you picked up their pen. And I'm afraid of what she'll say to her friends if I ask her out. And I don't know what to do, where to go, how to dress, etc. for a date. I've only had one girlfriend, and it was really awkward the whole time. We ended up kissing and it just didn't work out and it ended kind of awkwardly, because I never saw her after that because my classes changed(I was bombing a class so I dropped it for being a teachers aide) so I didn't see her after that. it was my senior year of high school and one of my best friends see her everyday. In fact, I almost apologized to her one time, for the "relationship" being so awkward. I think that would have made things worse, but I don't know. Would buying her an Xmas present be strange? Just something cheap like a $1 plush. Give it to my friend to give to her.
I indulge into the seven deadly sins. Greed, lust, gluttony, sloth, wrath, pride, and envy.
Greed. Oh. I love this one and gluttony. Oh. I will get it all. Which also ties into pride because I will get it all. Which ties into envy because I will get what isn't mine. Classical music helps me think evilly.
It doesn't matter how long it takes, I will become a tyrant of this world. I will give up my morals to achieve greatness. And I'm the only one who understands things in a world view. You can kill someone and get away with it, because money can do anything. I'm sure that if I paid you enough and supplied the gun, you'd pull the trigger. These theories also tie back to the antichrist. Anyways, I'm really overconfident and overconfidence gets you in places that being afraid doesn't get you. I wish I thought that way when it comes to relationships.
Anyways.
Lust is in the next chapter.
Anyways. On to perviness. If anything at all sexual gets you awkward, stop here.
Anyways, I'm very awkward when it comes to the subject, except online and with some VERY close friends, (only 3 friends. T_T), but I really don't want to be. I just started at this college and, because I have an AA and transferred and lost most of my credits, I'm in a lot of freshman classes. Anyways, the campus is ful of smoking babes. How do you ask them out? And is the legendary college one night stand true? My school is a bit of a party school, so how would I get invited to one of those? Remember, I'm shy. I'm also physically tall, but lacking in other departments. Unfortunately.
I don't know if I'm attractive at all. I mean, I have the right look, but fat doesn't suit my shoulder build. I just look strange. I want to lose weight but I don't have enough motivation.
I am horny constantly, even though I'm now 20, or is that normal for someone my age? Anyways, I have almost no taste for beer because it tastes awful, but I seem to have a taste for wine, at least from mass. My bro and I talk about the wine from the church every week. Unfortunately, we are not supertasters. Anyways, I want to get really drunk, but I don't want the embarrassment. I just want to see what kind of drunk I am and what kind of crazy theories I come up with, particularly if my brother is with me. I also want to know if the drunk girl sex even if you are unsavory is a myth.
I jerk off quite a bit, and I'm not sure if its bad for me or not. Physically, its actually good for you. Arm strength and stamina go up, you lose a few calories, you relieve stress, etc. But is jerking off uncommon or not?
Also, hwo the hell do I get laid? And what do I do in the bedroom?
I am, obviously, extremely inexperienced(virgin, duh).
I am way too laid back. I let people beat me up, because "no matter how much you pound or stomp on mush, it's still mush. Mush is kind of admirable in that way." Not like serious beat me up, but like for some reason a lot of girls like to hit me. I think its because I just take the hits and laugh it off. Pinches on the other hand, I absolutely detest. I don't take much seriously other than school work and not taking bullying.
Congrats if you read all the way through. I'm sure there'll be more added on later.

[KoyiTar]

...... You have alot of questions that I can't give you answers to dude. Aside from that one little thing about your thought of raping someone *That made me stop reading for a minute* You seem like a pretty ok guy. But that's going from what you have typed here and me not knowing a single thing about you otherwise so for all I really know you could be a pervy axe murderer *please take that as a joke*

Other than what I said i really don;t know how to help you or the answer's to half your questions. I have only had three actual relationships and two ended badly. The other I still talk to the guy but not often and usually when both of us have noth9ing better to do than hang out with one another.

[Chu]

I'm not sure whether I want to respond to everything or just make a general response. To save you from reading a huge post though, I'll make a general response, and if you want specific ones later I can type them up. :]

I can already tell that you and I won't be able to agree on one thing: psychology. My initial reaction to your post was to say, "Well, suck it up and go to a therapist. They can help if you let them." In fact, most of my friends talk to some type of counselor regularly, and I recommended some of them. However, this thread isn't meant for such a debate, and a therapist can't help you if you don't believe in them. I still wish you'd have an open mind about it, but being raised by someone in that field, you've heard enough to judge it for yourself.


Answering questions:
"What would others think?" Seemed rhetorical, so I guess this is more of a comment than anything. This seems more like a personal fable than anything to me. It's harsh to hear, but people don't pay as much attention to you as you think; they're all too self-absorbed for that. I know that this is very tough to get around, but I think that solving this essential issue - being worried about what others think - would be the first step to solving most of your issues.
"Would buying a present be weird?" Yes and no. It largely depends on what type of girl she is, and exactly what your history is, but I think that the best course of action would either be to give it to her yourself or to not do it at all. I think that doing so would help you though, and if I were you, I'd take that opportunity to talk to her, take some constructive criticism, and learn more about myself from it.
"How do you ask them out?" It depends on the person, really, but my personal philosophy on dating is to establish a healthy, close relationship with the person before asking them out. Get a good feel for their personality, and then use those characteristics to decide 1. if you really like them and 2. how to approach them. The more you know about someone, the more easily you can deal with them.
"Are one night stand stories true?" Sorry, I wouldn't know. :< But honestly, the best way to know is to find out yourself. Shit, I know that sounds terrible...
"How do I get invited?" I'd see if someone fairly close to me were going, and then casually joke about tagging along. If they seemed approving, I'd fake surprise and ask for real. XD If not, I could still pass it off as a joke.
"Is the horniness normal?" Probably. You're still in your prime for mating, after all. Strictly (biologically) speaking, that's exactly how it should be.
"Is masturbation uncommon?" Not at all. About half of my female friends masturbate whether they're in a relationship or not, and an (obviously) higher percentage of my male friends do whether or not they're in relationships too. Do take into consideration, however, that we're all fairly antisocial. That may or may not be a factor, but I figured it's worth mentioning.
"How do I get laid?" That's really hard for me to give advice on. Most of my female friends do by either being super easy or just being in long-lasting relationships. Male friends? They're mostly virgins, but the same applies. "Being easy" doesn't necessarily mean the same thing though.
"What do I do?" Pfffft, I ask myself that regularly. Just... act on instinct, really. There's not much thinking when you're blood's rushing from one head to the other, after all. Don't worry about it until you get there. Remember though, don't take your advice from porn, or anyone on the internet for that matter. Those sources are sorely inaccurate.


And I wanted to address the "crazy" remarks that you made about yourself. From what I can tell, you've pretty much always been antisocial, so you're not really on track with the rest of society's thoughts. You obviously understand what's acceptable and what's not, but I think that social anxieties lead you to think about the worst-case scenarios in situations, and somewhere along the line, you mixed those hypothetical situations with your true intents. My analysis may or may not be accurate, but I say this because I have sadistic tendencies myself, and I think that those are largely from being trampled on and passive-aggressively trying to strike back. Maybe your situation is similar?

But yeah, the rape thing. For some reason, that doesn't shock me, and it's not because "it's you" or anything. Like sadism, I've had similar thoughts to that. The strangest thing though is that I'm a female, so having these thoughts and tendencies toward violence and dominance really go against my nature, especially looking at my personality in regards to anything OTHER than sex. Anyway, maybe I'm biased because I relate, but I always considered those things far from normal, but controllable. We all know that it's unacceptable, so it's best to keep those thoughts in your head and move on.


I probably didn't help you at all, but this is a rant thread, after all. Still feel bad though.

[neomattlac]

I know I'm pretty messed up socially.
And I didn't really expect anyone to actually read all that. XD
And I have actually thought about me being an axe murderer in an introspective way. As in, I wouldn't do it, but I could see how a person like me would end up as one. I think I just need a good friend IRL that I can just talk to. Someone of the opposite gender that I can really talk to and not worry what they think. I think I have a friend like that but we can never hangout. She has a pretty whack schedule and her mom is over-restrictive.

[ecco]

the rape thing?
not that shocking. well, i suppose it depends. when you imagine what could happen, do you imagine her enjoying it or being victimised and degraded? the scary thing about rapists is that the thing that arouses them is the violence itself, not just the body they're doing it too.
but more to the point, a vast ammount of people actually fantasise about rape - either doing the raping, or being raped. its actually a control fantasy - either wanting to be entirely dominant, or completely helpless and submissive. so in your case, you want to assert dominance. trust me, there is a whole community out there who are into "consensual non-consent" - in other words "rape play" - there are also things like "age play", which im sure you can guess what that is. so, while we can have somewhat "unnacceptable" fantasies, there are safe ways of acting on such desires. roleplaying is a useful thing XD

as for "what to do" - when youre getting some, if you dont know what to do exactly, ask! communication is so important, especially with things like sex where you can be in a vulnerable position. get them to tell you what they like or what they want you to do. theres no shame in asking, ya know? and if there are any sexual mishaps, i find the best thing to do is laugh it off. shit happens - don't dwell on it.

[neomattlac]

Thank you for all the good advice ecco. Hopefully I'll remember that when I get a girlfriend/wife.

[ecco]

youre quite welcome.

[neomattlac]

I'm sure that I'm going to change that first post in the next few weeks.
Feels so weird knowing I'm "normal" because, for the longest time, I have though I wasn't.
I still wish I had someone close to me make me promise to lose weight. Other than my parents; they don't seem to influence me much. But, I'm one of those people who really do something when they tell you they will, particularly with childhood friends and strangers. And girls/guys we like(in my case, girls).
If I were to make the promise online, it wouldn't mean much, but if I knew the person, and/or met the person IRL, it would mean a lot to me, particularly if it was similar to the situation in Bakuman.

[Weaseldale]

I don't even know why I'm replying to this. I never answer things like this.

Oh well, as far as the shyness and the worrying what other people think goes, I've got to agree with Chu. People don't really care all that much. It's sort of like how there's always that really loud, obnoxious table in a restaurant, and you always make some irritated comment about it while your there, but do you ever think about them again after you leave? Or maybe that example only works with me. I've got the same problem, actually. I'm terrified to change anything about me because of what other people may think/say, never had a boyfriend/girlfriend, and I was practically sobbing when I told my mom I thought I had an issue and all because I was scared she'd think less of me or not believe me or something like that.

As far as the whole rape thing goes, it doesn't really bother me all that much. Like Ecco said, it's more of a control thing than anything. I guess I always figured there were people who've fantasized about raping, because I'm just the opposite... ><
So yeah. Basically, you don't really sound all that crazy to me.

I'm pretty sure most people masterbate. Like... all the time. There's a reason for the insane amount of porn on the internet, after all. And the 'what do I do?' thing, also something I've worried about. I dunno, I guess you should just hope your first time is with another inexperienced virgin.

I don't think the being too laid back is an issue, really... ^^;; I am too, but that ties back into my whole shyness and worrying about losing my friends and all that.

Bahh, nothing I said was really helpful. ;_; I sort of just replied back with my own issues. Hope I don't end up deleting this post.

Wish I could help with the weight thing, buuuut... you clearly don't know me in real life.

[neomattlac]

I actually have a thing for shy girls, which makes my shyness even more of a problem, because there's even less of a chance of either of us asking the other out.
As for porn, I don't really get turned on by watching it most of the time.
I know, now, that most people think about what others think about them all the time, but most people don't think as far as I think. I think about everything.

[Weaseldale]

Yeah, I can see why that would make it worse. Even if you both liked each other, neither would want to ask the other out.
That's probably good, honestly. ^^;; S'not exactly accurate or anything.

What do you mean, you think about everything? I'm sorry, it's just a bit of a confusing way to word it. For me. Dx

[neomattlac]

Its just as I said. I think abnormally more than most than people I know.
I really do think about anything. When I walk into a room, I immediately notice everything and start thinking about a lot of the stuff in there and the people, their actions and reactions, etc.
And I think about what I say to many people so much that I often don't say it because they already left by that time.
And why would us both being too shy to ask each other out good?

[Weaseldale]

asdfasklfjas;fklj I meant the whole 'not really watching porn' thing, not the both being too shy thing. That's not good at all. Sorry, I should have been clearer.

[neomattlac]

On an almost completely different topic, the word "clearer" has always confused me, because it almost seems to be a word that shouldn't exist, like "stupider." (Probably not the best example, but meh)