Huge Sexual Epiphanies

[Chu]

Wow. I really need to go to bed, but I want to post this before I forget it.

As some of you know by now, I'm an extreme anti-feminist female. I can't stand most women because of various reasons that I won't go into here. I can't really orate the progression and development of this attribute of mine though; it's as if I just suddenly realized it one day. Now I think I know why.

Another thing that only some of you may know: I don't really define my sexual orientation. While I can't stand how most women act, I can't deny their attractiveness either. And, one thing that I don't think that any of you know is that I used to have feelings for a female. Only one in my entire life. She was a friend of mine for a long time, and we went through a lot together. My family issues (well, some of them), her boyfriend/friend issues, our own personal issues, everything. We did what all best friends do - share those secrets, those feelings, those thoughts. At one point I think that she was confused about her orientation over a girl, but I scoffed at it. "Really? You only like the attention. You're definitely straight."

But about a year later I realized my growing feelings. I never expressed them, of course, because I didn't need anything more than a friendship. All I really wanted was for her to be happy. I wanted to protect her, and make her feel loved. I could do that as a friend, so my unrequited feelings didn't bother me in the least. Even when she got boyfriends, it didn't bother me. "She's happy. She'll be taken care of. It's fine." And it was. I was really happy for her whenever she got good boyfriends, but I couldn't begin to express my anger whenever someone hurt her; whenever someone cheated on her; whenever she was ignored, yelled at, or simply looked at the wrong way. My possessiveness began crossing the line - I realized that - so I distanced myself from her, and this cycle would come and go. My feelings would rise and cease, but they never got out of control. I never got depressed or upset; only angry and jealous.

And of course, my feelings would always come to a boil whenever I talked to, yet another guy, who fell for her. Sweetest guy I've ever met, to women. Attractive, too. I always thought that they were a good match. But of course, being a fickle, bitchy woman, she always strung him along. For four years she toyed with his feelings, made him feel important and needed and cherished, then got a boyfriend out of the blue. She didn't even care; she just stopped talking to him randomly. It always pissed me off how she'd never stay loyal to someone. She wouldn't hesitate to talk about how attractive some guy was, right in front of her boyfriend or in front of someone who had feelings for her. She always had at least two guys hanging off her hips, while dating a third. She loves the attention. She loves the affection. She loves the idea of having multiple options. And I can't stand it.

I'm fine not having my feelings answered. I'm fine not even having them known. I never cared as long as she was happy, but she could never make herself happy. She always screwed up her relationships by being a fickle bitch, and it pisses me off. Even to this day, when my romantic feelings are far gone and over with, and I'm finally burning the bridge, I can't stand that she's so stupid. She's so closed-minded.

She is the representation of all women to me. She was the only women who I ever had feelings for, and she was too dense and caught up in her flirtation with multiple men to even recognize me as a friend. She's the type to flaunt around the phrase "best friend" while I always kept it very special - she was the only one. I realize - I've always realized - that I'm just far too serious about relationships, and I'm fine with that, again, as long as she's happy. But she always neglected me for other "best friends" who wouldn't even give her the time of day a week after; for guys who would cheat on her and emotionally abuse her. It's disgusting, and I think that's why I despise women so much.


Share your sexual epiphanies with me. I'm not looking for sympathy or pity - that's just the revelation I had literally fifteen minutes ago. I've gotten over all of my feelings - heartbreak is surprisingly easy to overcome with logic - so I don't need comfort.

[Weaseldale]

Sexual epiphanies? I'm honestly not sure I've ever had one. Like you, I've always been too serious in my relationships with other people. I've only ever had real feelings for one other person. I guess we almost dated, but neh. It doesn't matter now, he's still my best friend. Like you said, it is surprisingly easy to overcome heartbreak.

It's interesting, though. I hope this isn't off-topic or anything, but I hear all the time about how guy's opinions of girls and women are often ruined an awful crush/love experience, and it almost sounds like that's what happened with you and your friend. I hope if you and I ever meet in real person, you don't think of me this way. It would make me sad, to know that someone I consider a friend did.

[Amlynd]

I can--I don't want to say sympathize, because that's not what I actually mean...hm. Empathize, perhaps? Er, I've been in your shoes and I know where you're coming from. As a matter of fact, reading your post reminded me a little bit more of myself than I was entirely comfortable with, minus a few of the finer points (like the object of your affections being a little more infuriating than the object of mine.)

When my best friend and I met, we were decently young--she was twelve and I was thirteen, nearly fourteen--so the idea that a girl could have feelings for another girl really didn't cross our mind, and didn't need to for quite some time. We were in middle school, so being an eighth grader and at the top of the tiny hick town pecking order, I was naturally a bit full of myself. I don't really want to say that she idolized me, but she has admitted to it herself recently, so I feel a little better about that.

Some time ago, maybe a year and a half, we decided that we were going to give dating a brief try, because we both come from pretty open minded families and it wasn't an option that bothered us or anything. It wasn't a very long relationship--she informed me later that she wasn't interested in me romantically, although we still maintain a very close (and moderately Friends-With-Benifits sort of) relationship.

Only she's recently gotten a boyfriend, who she hangs out with on a fairly regular basis, and I can't help but me immensely jealous of him (not that their relationship consists of much more than pecking each other on the cheek at this stage). I've gone back in the past year and a half and reanalyzed the feelings I have for her, and the more I do it, the more I realize that I was (and still am) way more emotionally invested in the relationship than is probably healthy, considering pursuing a romantic relationship is out of the question.

It's a little scary, not being in control of your own feelings about someone, especially when you don't want them to know about them because it would be embarrassing (as she is fully under the impression that I'm over it).

So yeah. Perhaps you and I should start a club, and print jackets.

[Chu]

AW, Ace, I didn't mean it that way. XD I'm not so biased that I can't make friends with girls. I can respect logical, considerate and kind women perfectly well. I think the thing is, I'd be bisexual if it weren't for that experience. In a way, she was my everything when we were friends, so to constantly be neglected and see those terrible personality traits kind of ruined any romantic feelings that I could have about women.

Then again, I used to have a fear of men (still do, somewhat) that was so bad that I couldn't even look male teachers or male family members in the eyes. I never thought I'd become friends with a male, let alone date one, until I met Sam. He showed me how gentle and loyal men can be, so now I have more male friends than female friends. I'm sure that if I ever met a woman like that, then I'd be more willing to think about them romantically again.

I guess I'm one of those "proof or it never happened" people. XD People need to prove their worth to me, or I won't think of them as anything acceptable or special.


@Amlynd: Haha, you sound a little like a friend of mine - she and her... best friend? No one knows what to call them because it's basically your situation, but the benefits and romantic interests are a bit more prominant. The issue with them though, is honestly that they're not very compatible as people in the first place, and they constantly try to dominate each other.

Good luck trying to get out of that though. I think I'm pretty much in the clear because my feelings basically disappeared when Sam began showing romantic interest in me. I think that all of this stems from the emotional neglect that I felt as a child; I just want to be loved, because I never really felt like I fully was.

[Raz]

Sexual epifinie-thingy's....
I think i got one, but i'm not completely sure i feel comfortable sharing with you Chu

Well... here goes:

today's the 13th and Chu wasn't at school. With this freedom i felt it necessary to take advantage of my lack of supervision by "flirting" with the current boyfriend of the girl Chu stated in her epifinie-thingy.
So, he gave me a bite of his sammich and i realized... This is the third sammich in a row that was pretty effen good, that he made.
Also, at lunch, Frankie finished half of her sammich and gave it to me and it was also efffen good. However, before i could make a woman sammich maker joke in, she mentioned that her dad made it...

Totally realized that women aren't the only supurb sammich makers and i totally know two men who rival Chu as top sammich maker that i know
<--[Insert sammich here]

[Chu]

Fuck you, troll. D:

GTFO before I ban your ass.


(To anyone who doesn't know: Raz and I are dating - he's Sam - and I'm just kidding. Don't worry. XD)

[Freshie]

Your story reminds me of my past Chu. o.o
Pretty much the same happened with me and a best friend through our young teens. Hung out a lot in late middle school. We were kinda like blank canvases during that time. Just learning of the world and ourselves. I was a shy girl and she was an adventurous girl though. So she knew more about herself then I did of my own self. We knew of her bisexuality and thus I started to get interested in it and her. But then we went to different high schools and drifted apart since yeah. Then we got to hang out again, our canvases pretty filled now. Her gothic/emo, me bubblegum/ravey. But with my past with her I still liked her and wanted to get closer. Turns out we both had crushes on each other, but with us drifting apart for a while, she grew out of it and dated and such. I was still a virgin. She was playing boys along and having sex, like you've described, but also other bad teenage things. And here am I being innocent and cute. But I hated that I still liked her because shes not worth it. We've had fights and then made up throughout that time too. Now its like, whatever. Shes a bit younger then me, but now she married recently though.
Dunno if anything else to say on that.


But sexuality wise. I love sex.
Now, I mean the subject mostly. I'd love to study sexology and such. :3
Wouldn't wanna be a sex therapist though or anything. But I'd love talking about sexual stuff and (usually) hearing what makes people tick. I'm an open book. ^^;;
But actual sexystuffs I'm quite still new too. Only one partner and such. >w<

[Overlord Branny]

[Raz]

[Chu]

@Freshie: I wasn't really talking about sex specifically - I really don't think that that experienced changed anything other than my sexual PREFERENCE. I'm pretty normal when it comes to sex, other than my sadism, but that has other psychological roots.

But I never did anything with her. Not even the friendly kiss on the cheek. I really didn't even want to; I just felt the need to protect and love her. Never loved her either though, so in the end, all of this is probably just a bunch of bullshit. It just seemed to fit well together at the time.

[Freshie]

Yeah I figured, sorry. I just love sex talk. *wiggles arms*
xD

We ended up being close, barely doing anything, but still little things like cuddling and checking out each other's bodys, back in the day. I dunno.

Recently I realized, how much girls can suck thanks to men. And I feel bad for [straight/bi] men. I feel worse when I'm not like any of those girls, but I still wouldn't get a shot. ;-;
I should stop before I leek too many details about my current problem. :/

[Athilea Majiri]

Hrm, I can't really say that I've had to many. I mean...there are some things I really like one way or another, but I can't really tell you why.

I'm attracted to women, I always have been in a way I guess. Women are beautiful. That being said, I like boy parts to much to give men up. I'm married and I no longer really consider myself bi-sexual because I don't play the field. I have chosen my life partner and that's all there is to it.

I didn't really explore my interest in women until high school, and it lasted for a while, but again, I like boy parts to much and I found a very fantastic man. I wont go to much further into things I've realized about myself because it could get far to detailed for polite company.